


Turn To Me

by Wonko



Category: Guiding Light
Genre: F/F, Hurt/Comfort, bringing it over here finally, really old story, the oldest soap trope
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-27
Updated: 2017-08-27
Packaged: 2018-12-20 07:56:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 43,609
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11916540
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wonko/pseuds/Wonko
Summary: Natalia is forced to come to terms with her feelings alone when Olivia is injured.





	1. Chapter 1

Natalia stared at the bride and groom ornament in her hand, trying desperately to keep her mind blank.  She didn't want to think about what had happened, didn't want to think about the pain in Frank's eyes as she ran from him, or the deeper pain in Olivia's as she turned her back on her in the gazebo.  Despite her guilt over Frank, she knew whose pain called out to her more.  She may have been confused about everything, but she knew deep down that Olivia had always come first. 

Tears swelled behind her eyes which she blinked away.  "I need you, Olivia," she whispered, her voice cracking.  "I'm so lost.  Please find me." 

But the house was empty, no Olivia, no Emma.  Not even their things remained - they were all packed away in boxes and moved indecently quickly.  Almost as indecently quickly as that god-forsaken wedding. 

Natalia let out a short sharp scream as the tight band of self control in her chest suddenly snapped and she threw the ornament across the room, noting with satisfaction the dent it left in the wall.  That was good.  This pain, this maelstrom, this calamity should leave a scar somewhere.  Other than the ones on her heart. 

She moved through the room like a tornado, ripping and shredding all the decorations Olivia had so carefully bought to celebrate what Natalia now knew would have been the worst day of her life.  Anger coursed through her like a drug, anger at everything, at herself for being such a coward, at Olivia for walking away when she was most needed, at God for giving her these feelings in the first place.  This was supposed to be such a happy day - would have been a happy day, if only she could change her heart.  But loving Olivia was something she couldn't possibly change, no-matter how she tried.  Like the speed of light, or - Natalia let out a bitter laugh - the love of God.  It was a universal constant, and she could no more stop her heart from loving the other woman than she could stop the birds from singing. 

The wedding dress was like prison to her now; she needed to take it off, needed to be free in her own skin again.  It had taken two people to get her into it, but she got it off by herself, tearing it beyond repair in the process.  It didn't matter.  No-matter what Frank had hoped, she knew she'd never be wearing it again. 

Leaving the remnants of her wedding decorations behind she slipped into the kitchen, feeling like a ghost in her own house.  The plate that Emma had made stared at her, mocking her with its image of the family she had had, the family she feared may now be irretrievably lost. 

A cold shiver whispered down her spine.  Natalia crossed to the drier, pulling out some fresh clothes.  It was a relief to pull on her favourite worn blue jeans.  She could feel her shattered identity returning piece by piece as the soft cotton hugged her hips.  The next item she pulled from the machine was one of Emma's nightshirts.  Natalia paused for a moment, then put it to the side, her hand shaking as she smoothed the thin cotton almost reverently.  But it was the next piece she pulled out that undid her. 

It was one of Olivia's T-shirts, old, worn, a little threadbare in places, never to be worn in public, only inside with family.  She'd been wearing it on their last movie night, curled up under the blanket with Natalia and Emma, watching _King Kong_.  Natalia remembered how she'd pretended to be scared so she could have an excuse to turn to Olivia and hide in the protective circle of her arms, to bury her face in her neck and breathe in her scent.  And Olivia had obliged, as Natalia knew she would, giving her strength and security, comfort and love.  Natalia remembered how Olivia's body had felt pressed against her, how the other woman's breath had caught as Natalia's hair tickled her skin, how her muscles had clenched as Natalia splayed her fingers over her stomach, her head on her shoulder.  What absolute torture it must have been for her.  What torment Natalia had put her through. 

The shirt smelled fresh and clean as Natalia pulled it over her head, hints of soap powder and fabric softener, hints of Olivia.  She breathed the scent deeply as she reflexively made the sign of the cross. 

"Dear God."  Her voice was watery as she began to recite the only prayer that would come to her.  "Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted.  The troubles of my heart have increased.  Free me from my anguish.  Look upon my affliction and my distress and take away all my sins. In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.  Amen." 

A laugh bubbled up inside her as she felt her spirit calm.  God hadn't abandoned her.  She could still feel his presence in prayer, just as she always had.  "Oh, thank you God, thank you..." she murmured, sliding into a chair and crossing her hands across her chest.  She stayed there for long moments before she looked up again, nodded to herself and dried her eyes.  "I have some work to do," she said, and got up to fetch some garbage bags and a broom. 

* * *

A harsh knocking cut through the fog of sleep and Natalia started awake, almost falling off the couch.  A bone-deep weariness had overtaken her once she'd finished clearing up the living room, so deep she hadn't even been able to make it to her bedroom. 

"Natalia?" 

_Oh no,_ she moaned internally.  _Not him._   Ignoring the knocking and calling, she rolled onto her stomach and buried her face into the upholstery. 

"Ma?  Are you in there?" 

Natalia rolled back onto her side.  _Low blow, Frank, low blow._ With a deep, deep sigh she dragged herself to her feet and unlocked the door.  "I can't talk anymore tonight, Frank, I'm sorry...." she began, then trailed off when she saw the sombre look on his and her son's faces.  "What is it?" 

Rafe stared at his shoes.  "You should sit down, ma." 

"What is it?" Natalia demanded, rounding on Frank, who looked like he was about to start crying.   The expression on his face terrified her - sympathy, fear, worry, and love rolled into one. 

"Natalia," he whispered, taking her hand.  "It's Olivia." 

* * *

Natalia had spent more time at the hospital in the last twelve months than she had in her entire life.  It seemed it was her fate to keep returning to keep vigil with people she loved, first for Gus and then over and over for Olivia.  Sitting by Olivia's bed this time she just felt numb, unable to really comprehend what she was seeing. 

One side of her face was almost black with bruises, swollen almost beyond recognition.  Bandages had been wrapped round her head to stop the bleeding which had been, according to Frank, quite extensive.  Her left arm and leg were both broken and had been set in splints while a team of doctors conferred over her case.  Natalia was oblivious to them.  She barely even blinked as she stared blankly, gripping Olivia's right hand in a grip that would have been painful had the other woman been conscious. 

"The car just lost control.  The snow, and everything.  The driver tried to swerve, but there was nothing he could do.  They were just crossing the street..."  Frank trailed off and began stroking Natalia's back, the gesture meant to be comforting.  She barely felt it. 

"Emma?" Natalia croaked.  It was the first word she'd spoken since Frank had told her that Olivia was in the hospital. 

"She's fine, ma."  It was Rafe who answered, crouching down to look up at his mother's face.  "Olivia took the force of it.  She must have shielded Emma, cause the kid's only got a couple of scratches." 

Natalia exhaled very, very slowly.  "Of course she did," she said, leaning forward to kiss Olivia's hand. 

Rick chose that moment to come over and talk to them.  His face was grave.  "We need to get her into surgery right now," he said without preamble. 

"Is it her heart?" Frank gave Natalia's shoulder a soft squeeze as he felt her stiffen. 

Rick shook his head.  "Worse than that," he said.  Natalia looked up sharply. 

"There's worse?"  Her voice was choked and incredulous. 

"She's suffered a serious head injury.  There's some fluid build-up in her brain, Natalia.  She could be bleeding internally, we're not sure, but we've got to relieve the pressure." 

For a moment Natalia didn't seem to react.  "Wh-I mean, what happens if you don't?" 

"She'll die." 

Rafe was by his mother's side in an instant as she crumpled like a house of cards left next to an open window.  "They need you to sign the forms, ma," he said, taking her hands in his and forcing him to look at her. 

"Wha- forms? I don't underst-" 

"Olivia gave you her power of attorney," Rick interrupted.  He paused as a pair of shocked dark eyes snapped towards him.  Obviously that had come as a surprise.  How typical of Olivia to steam ahead without consulting anyone.  "The document was in her medical records.  I'm sorry Natalia, I know this is hard for you, but time is really of the essence here.  If we don't get her into surgery right now she'll be leaving this room in a bodybag." 

"Hey, go easy Rick, she's upset for cryin' out loud." 

"I can't do anything about that Frank, but if she doesn't sign these consent forms Olivia's gonna die right here in this room!" 

"Hey, you don't have to yell, man, my mom's trying her best." 

"Don't you people understand how serious this is?  For God's sake-" 

"STOP IT!" 

Natalia's near scream brought the budding argument to an abrupt close.  She turned her gaze onto Rick and grabbed his clipboard.  "Pen!" she demanded.  Someone pressed a biro into her fingers and she signed all the necessary places on the form with a firm and unshaking hand.  Thrusting the clipboard back against his chest she turned to Olivia.  "Give me a moment alone with her please." 

All three men reacted to the tone of authority suddenly lacing her voice.  "I'll tell the OR we're coming," said Rick. 

"We'll be right outside," Frank added, leading Rafe from the room. 

Alone with her unconscious friend at last, Natalia allowed her fear to crack through the surface again.  "Please God," she murmured.  "Don't take her away.  She's my whole world, God.  I need her."  She cupped Olivia's cheek, avoiding the bruising even though she wouldn't feel the pain in this state.  "I love you, Olivia.  Come back to me.  I promise I'll make everything up to you.  Just don't leave me."  With that she finally allowed her tears to fall.  Burying her head in the blankets covering Olivia's torso, she wept, an overwhelming and debilitating terror spreading like ice water across her skin.  "Don't leave me," she moaned into the blanket, and suddenly felt a pair of hands rest on her heaving shoulders. 

"She'll be all right," Frank said softly.  Natalia could only weep all the more bitterly. 

Harley had said the same thing about Gus. 

* * *

The hours dragged by like decades as Natalia, Frank and Rafe waited for news from the OR.  The ticking of Frank's watch, unnaturally loud in the silence, was the only sound.  Natalia focused in on it, the rhythm, imagining it to be the steady beat of Olivia's heart. 

This was the second wedding day she'd spent in a hospital for Olivia's sake.  _You're trying to tell me something, right?_ she thought, lifting her eyes towards heaven.  She thought of all the major events of her life since moving to Springfield, and how they'd all seemed to involve Olivia.  Peripherally at first, but at some point their orbits seemed to have shifted and suddenly just about everything revolved around her.  And now their orbits were on the point of shifting again.  They would either spin apart on their own paths, never to meet again, or they'd crash into each other and become something else.  Natalia couldn't quite decide which would be preferable.  To allow themselves to fall into each other, to let herself be taken over by these feelings, this passion that bubbled so close to the surface.  Or to give it up, to go on about their own separate lives, levees in place to stop the raging floodwaters of frustrated love. 

Just thinking of it made her blood run cold.  If there was one thing she was sure of it was that she needed to have Olivia in her life.  She'd never really had the kind of life that allowed her to make friends.  Working three jobs and bringing up a child alone didn't leave much free time for drinking coffee, watching movies, talking on the phone, all the things that she supposed other people did to maintain relationships.  It wasn't until moving to Springfield that she'd managed to make the kind of connections she'd always longed for with other adults.  She always said that Rafe was enough, and when he was a child he was.  But he was grown up now; soon he'd leave her and until now there'd been nothing in her life to take his place. 

Until Olivia and Emma.  Olivia was the first adult she'd ever lived with other than her own parents.  And after a few weeks of living in the farmhouse with her and her daughter she'd come to rely and depend on her presence more and more.  It was exactly what had been missing all those years with Rafe.  Someone to share the burden, someone to talk to after the kid's bedtime, someone who could understand adult worries like lack of money, and the state of the economy.  Not that Natalia really lacked money now.  Olivia had given her raise after raise until she'd finally consented to stop working at Company and devote herself solely to the task of being Olivia's assistant at The Beacon. 

And so that's how it was for a while.  Their routine of mornings with Emma, days at work, and evenings together, and somewhere along the way they had both fallen deeply, hopelessly, irretrievably in love.  It hadn't been like flicking on a light; there was no one moment she could point to and say: "yes, that's when my world, as I had always known it, changed."  It was more organic than that, like the coming of dawn, or the slow rise of the bread she made every Sunday.  But it was there nonetheless, the knowledge that at some point she'd started to crave their closeness a little more, that they'd begun to sit next to each other on the couch rather than at opposite ends, that they'd started holding hands for no particular reason.  And because neither of them had ever had a real friend before it took some time to realise that their behaviour wasn't quite normal; that even 'best friends' didn't hold hands at school presentations or watch movies under one blanket wrapped around each other. 

Olivia had known first, of course, her mind just naturally worked that way.  Natalia had been so naive, so blind to the implications of what was going on between them.  She wondered now just how long she'd have gone on taking Olivia's hand, wiping away her tears, holding her when things got hard, without realising exactly what she was doing.  If Olivia hadn't kissed her that cold night in January, would she have gone on oblivious forever? 

And what was she going to do now? 

"Ma?"  Rafe's voice jolted her back into the moment and she looked up to see Olivia being wheeled back into the recovery room she knew so well.  Natalia was on her feet in an instant, hurrying to the other woman's side. 

"Is everything okay now?" she asked Rick breathlessly. 

Rick led her to the chair by Olivia's bed and made her sit down.  "She's stable now," he said.  "But still critical.  There was some bleeding inside the skull, but we've stopped that.  We're going to keep her asleep for a few days to let her body recover.  But you should be prepared..." he trailed off, looking down at Olivia's battered face. 

"P-prepared?  For what?" 

Rick took a deep breath.  "For the possibility of brain damage." 

* * *

Natalia's hands shot to her mouth as the Earth suddenly stopped turning.  "Oh my God," she murmured.  "Oh my God..." 

"From the position of the injuries we suspect there could be damage to the temporal lobe," he continued, seemingly oblivious to the pieces of Natalia's world that were so obviously crashing down around her ears.  "That means-" 

Rick's next words were drowned out by the sounds of a scuffle and an argument outside the room.  "Just tell me where my daughter is, Frank." 

Natalia's head shot up.  "Oh no.  Not him."  Philip arrived in the room seconds after the words left her lips, followed by Frank who seemed to be trying to hold him back.  Philip came up short at the sight of his ex-wife in the bed, almost unrecognisable. 

"Olivia..." 

Natalia was on her feet in an instant, her eyes furious as she pushed him from the room.  "Out," she snapped.  "She doesn't want you here." 

"Okay, okay," Philip replied, putting his hands in the air.  "Calm down." 

"Don't tell me to calm down!  I have enough to deal with right now without you coming where you're not wanted."  She punctuated each word with a shove to his chest so that by the time she was finished he was up against the wall. 

"I'm just here for Emma!" 

The blood drained from Natalia's face as she realised that she hadn't given a single thought to where Emma was after she'd been told she wasn't badly hurt.  _Oh my God, Emma, I'm so sorry!_ she castigated herself.  It both amazed and terrified her how easily and readily her world had contracted to a tiny bubble whose length, breadth and volume was a hospital bed and the broken woman lying on it.  Nothing else had mattered from the moment Frank told her about the accident.  "Emma..." 

"She's with my dad," Frank interrupted, rescuing her.  "She's not hurt, Philip.  Olivia made sure of that."  Natalia flashed a grateful glance at him, trying to silently thank him both for taking care of Emma and for defending the unconscious woman in the room behind them.  An image of what the accident may have looked like flashed suddenly before her eyes.  The snow falling gently, roads covered in white.  The squeal of brakes and Olivia's wide-eyed stare as headlights bore down on her.  The crash and crunch of breaking bones.  And finally, the white of the snow turning red as the blood of the person who meant everything in the world to her spilled onto an uncaring road. 

"Well, I'll take her from here," Philip said, shocking Natalia back to reality. 

"What?" she cried.  "Are you insane?  I mean, more than we always thought?" 

His cheeks reddened.  "She's _my_ daughter!" 

"And Olivia's!  And I know for an absolute fact that she doesn't want you anywhere near Emma." 

Philip drew himself up to his full height, trying to intimidate Natalia and failing.  She looked up at him with clear, defiant eyes and raised eyebrows and Philip was suddenly struck by the resemblance to Olivia's mannerisms.  "I'm her father-" he began. 

"And you get supervised visits," she interrupted.  "You'll get nothing else as long as I'm around." 

Philip took in the determined faces arrayed before him, Frank, Rafe and even Rick lined up behind Natalia like bodyguards, and Natalia looking up at him fiercely and unblinkingly.  "I'll be back," he said, knocking his shoulder harshly against Natalia's as he slipped past her.  She stumbled backwards and Rafe caught her as Frank turned to chase after Philip's retreating form. 

"No, leave him," Natalia said, smoothing her hair back from her face. 

Frank couldn't hide the frustration creeping into his voice.  "I should deal with him.  He's gonna be a problem." 

Natalia nodded.  "Yeah," she said, anxiety colouring her tone.  "He is." 

* * *

Natalia knew she needed to find Emma and get to The Beacon.  Olivia had told her once where she kept her living trust and - Natalia fervently hoped - instructions concerning Emma's care.  But there was one place she knew she needed to make time for so, leaving Frank and Rafe to watch over Olivia with instructions to call her the instant anything changed, she headed straight for the hospital chapel. 

Natalia had always been proud of being a Catholic.  It was a connection to her parents, her ancestors, her roots.  It was what set her apart from most of the people around her, it gave her life definition and focus.  All she'd ever had was Rafe and the church.  Her faith allowed her to feel the presence of God, it allowed her to rise above the petty problems of each day, it allowed her to hope for better even when things seemed bleakest. 

But what she most craved at that exact moment were the mysteries and rituals which would allow her to stop thinking for just a few minutes.  She needed to escape into the silence and peace of time-honoured tradition, secure in the knowledge that God would be with her as she floundered and would catch her if she fell. 

The chapel was empty and half lit as she entered, genuflected and made the sign of the cross.  The scent of incense caressed her as she breathed deep.  Her thoughts were swirling hopelessly like leaves in a storm, linking, breaking, leaving her unable to form her own words to pray.  But that was fine.  She needed to escape, she needed something routine and repetitive. 

"Our Father," she began.  "Who art in heaven..."  She followed that up with ten _Hail Mary_ s and a _Glory Be_ and when she breathed the last 'Amen' she felt a presence slide into the pew beside her. 

"I thought I'd find you here." 

Natalia didn't look up.  "Hello Father." 

They sat together in silence for a few minutes, Natalia contemplating the image of Jesus on the cross; Father Ray contemplating Natalia. 

"Which mystery were you praying?" he asked finally, his tone gentle. 

A deep breath.  "The Agony in the Garden," she replied. 

"The Sorrowful Mysteries." 

"It's the day for them," she said.  _In more ways than one_. 

She heard his clothing rustle as he turned a little to face her.  "I hear you're going through some agony of your own right now," he said softly.  She turned her face to him then and was nearly undone by the gentle and understanding look on his face.  "Maybe a little more agony than you've let people see, hmm?" 

She turned away, unable to meet his eyes.  She knew that if she continued this conversation she would lose control and she couldn't afford to do that, not now, not here.  "Will you hear my confession?" she asked. 

He paused.  "Of course," he said at last, although his voice was hesitant. 

Natalia made the sign of the cross.  "Bless me Father, for I have sinned," she said, looking steadfastly forward.  "It's been three days since my last confession." 

Father Ray regarded her curiously.  "And what sins have you committed in those three days?" 

She paused for a moment before she found the words.  "I know that thinking something can be just as much of a sin as doing it," she began.  "That's what the Bible says, right?" 

Father Ray nodded slowly.  "It does say that," he replied. 

"In that case I'm guilty of murder," she said, her voice tight.  "Because when I heard that someone had hurt Olivia I wanted them dead.  I wanted to kill them..." 

Father Ray allowed her confession to sit in the stillness of the church for a moment before he continued.  "Anything else?" 

Natalia shook her head tightly.  "No."  Then she nodded.  "Yes.  I was dishonest.  I promised someone something I couldn't ever give them." 

"Why couldn't you give it to them?" 

She looked at him suddenly through her eyelashes.  "Because I'd already given it to someone else." 

They lapsed into silence again, and then Father Ray made the sign of the cross on her forehead.  "Through the ministry of the Church may God give you pardon and peace.  I absolve you from your sins in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen." 

Natalia felt tears pricking behind her eyes.  "Thank you," she breathed. 

"I haven't told you what your penance is yet," he reminded her softly. 

"Okay..." 

"I want you to hear my confession," he replied. 

Natalia's eyes snapped up to meet his.  "But...I can't give you absolution, Father," she said, confusion colouring her voice. 

"On the contrary Natalia, I think you're the only one who can.  Just listen, please?" 

"All right." 

Father Ray turned his face towards the cross.  "I lied to a man today," he said.  "I had promised to perform his wedding ceremony but I called him just before it was supposed to begin and gave an excuse." 

Natalia couldn't quite control the surprised gasp that escaped her.  "Why?" she asked. 

He smiled at her.  "Because I believe in the Sacrament of Matrimony," he said.  "Because the marriage was not sacred." 

Her heart thundered in her ears.  "Why?" she asked again. 

"Because," he said.  "The bride had given her heart to another." 

A breath.  "She had."  Not a question. 

"Yes." 

They sat together for an endless moment.  Then she spoke.  "What should I do?"  Her voice was small and lost. 

He seemed to consider the question for a moment before turning to her and folding her up in his arms.  "God is love, Natalia," he whispered in her ear.  "When you're confused, when you're lost, when you have doubts, just remember that." 

He held her for long moments as she sobbed, feeling her shatter and then slowly put herself back together, piece by jagged piece. 

"So what's my penance?" he asked with a grin as she finally pulled back.  She smiled sadly. 

"Go and sit with Olivia for me," she said.  "I'd like her to have the Last Rites.  She's already baptised, so..." she trailed off. 

Father Ray nodded.  "I can do that," he said.  "But you know, it's called the Sacrament of the Sick these days." 

Natalia managed another smile.  "Oh I know, I know, it's just-" 

"It's just that the Second Vatican Council is something that only happened to other people, right?" 

And suddenly, improbably, wonderfully, Natalia found herself laughing.  Father Ray stood and placed his hand on her head.  "May God bless you, Natalia, and give you strength," he said, and then retreated, leaving her by herself in the dimly lit chapel.  But not alone. 

"I'm not alone," she breathed reverently and giddily, her eyes fixed on the cross.  "Thank you." 

With a final genuflection she left, new strength coursing through her as she went to find Emma.  God help anyone who stood in her way. 

* * *

It was surely a well known fact that ice cream cured all ills.  Adjusting for scoop flavour, sauce type and sprinkle density let the ice cream gourmet practice a special brand of alchemy that could create a bowl of frozen perfection capable of creating happiness from even the most desperate of situations.  At least that was the equation that Buzz Cooper had always lived by.  Although, he reflected ruefully as he regarded the sad and quiet little girl he'd been left with, his magic formula seemed to be in need of adjustment. 

Emma sat hunched over in the booth at Company, absently swirling one of Buzz's trademark chocolate sundaes with a long spoon.  She hadn't spoken since leaving the hospital except to ask for her mom and Natalia alternately until her voice seemed to dry up.  The silence was worse than the tears.  He'd tried to get her to talk several times, without any success. 

"Hey," Buzz tried once again, sliding into the booth opposite her.  "If you don't want ice cream I can whip up something else?  A burger?  Pancakes?  Chili?"  After ice cream, chili was his big trump card.  But Emma just shook her head.  Buzz sighed.  "You know, Emma...I've known your mom for a long time," he began again.  "So I can be pretty sure about this - she'll be OK."  Emma just carried on playing with her rapidly melting ice cream. 

"Okay," Buzz said, putting his hand on her arm.  "Just think about this.  Your mom's been real sick before, right?  When she needed a new heart?" 

Emma nodded.  "She got a new one," she said in a colourless voice. 

Buzz was just glad to hear her speak at all.  "Yeah, that's right," he said.  "And you know, if she can fight through that and get better I just know she can do it again." 

Emma didn't look at him.  "She hurt her head," she said softly. 

A grimace.  "I know sweetie." 

Emma looked up at him.  "She can't get a new head," she said solemnly. 

Buzz was saved from having to respond to that by the tinkle of the bell above the door.  "Buzz?  Emma?"  All things considered Buzz felt he'd never been happier to hear Natalia's voice.  It was obvious that Emma felt the same as she slipped out of the booth and ran towards the voice.  Buzz heard the muffled 'oomph' as Emma leapt into Natalia's arms before he turned to look at them.  Natalia was holding Emma tightly against her chest as the little girl wrapped her legs round her middle and her arms round her neck. 

"Hey, baby," Natalia said.  "I missed you." 

"I missed you too," Emma replied. 

Natalia pulled her head back to look into Emma's face.  "Look at you!  Your nose is all red!" 

Emma shrugged.  "I scraped it on the road," she said and suddenly her face crumpled. 

"Oh no, sweetie, please don't cry," Natalia begged as she walked them over to the booth and sat, arranging Emma in her lap. 

"I...want...my...mommy," Emma gasped between sobs, clinging to Natalia like she'd never let go. 

Natalia closed her eyes, bumping her forehead against Emma's.  "Me too, baby." 

"She's gonna die," Emma wailed, her tiny fists digging into Natalia's arms painfully. 

Natalia shook her head.  "Now you listen to me," she said, using the tone normally reserved for when Emma needed to do her homework but wanted to watch cartoons.  "You, me, Rafe and your mom?  We're a family.  And I'm not gonna let _anything_ happen to any of us.  You hear me?  Your mom's not going anywhere.  I promise." 

* * *

Natalia flashed Buzz a grateful glance as he set a mug of incredibly strong coffee in front of her.  Emma had finally cried herself out and now lay in the booth beside her.  Natalia could now see that it wasn't  just her nose that was scraped - her left cheekbone and chin were also raw and red.  Her heart ached and she longed to just pass her hand across the girl's face and magically fix everything.  And once she'd performed a miracle at Company she could return to the hospital, tell Olivia to take up her bed and walk and everyone would live happily ever after.  Possibly there would be puppies, rainbows and lollipops involved. 

She shook herself before the hysterical  laughter she could feel building inside managed to burst out.  The carousel of emotions she'd been swept up in over the last day was obviously driving her crazy.  Was it really only that morning that Rafe had returned so unexpectedly from prison?  It was hard to believe that a human soul could feel such joy and then such despair in so short a time without breaking. 

"Thanks Buzz," she said at last, gesturing towards the coffee and the girl, hoping he understood how grateful she was for everything he'd done. 

"No problem," he replied, sounding almost as tired as she looked.  She'd caught a glimpse of herself in the glass of the door - her hair was tangled, her skin drawn and pale, her eyes red-rimmed and puffy from too much crying.  And the worst of this night wasn't over yet, she knew that. 

"I need to go to The Beacon," she sighed, resting her weary head on her hand. 

"Stay awhile," Buzz said kindly.  "You need to take care of yourself for a few minutes."  He leaned forward to brush her hair back from her eyes, but she moved to escape his touch. 

"Don't be nice to me, please," she said, forcing a fake smile onto her face.  "If you're nice to me I'm not quite sure what'll happen, but I need to stay together.  For her."  Her lip trembled. 

Buzz looked down at his own cup.  "Well," he said at last.  "I just meant that, you know, you look awful.  You really need to go and put some fresh makeup on before you face the world.  Don't wanna give people nightmares." 

Natalia felt a rush of affection flood through her and found that she was nearly crying anyway.  "Yeah, 'cause you're an oil painting yourself, right?" she replied, her voice trembling. 

Buzz flexed his muscles and grunted.  "I'm an Adonis!" 

She let out a bark of laughter, her hand over her mouth.  He looked wounded.  "I could take exception to that," he said, injecting a little whine into his tone. 

"Natalia?"  Emma's sleepy voice interrupted. 

Natalia's full attention was on her immediately.  "I'm sorry baby," she said gently, smoothing Emma's hair back.  "I didn't mean to wake you." 

"Can we see mommy now?" 

Natalia's eyes burned.  "Soon honey," she replied.  "We just need to drop by the hotel first, okay?  Mommy left some important things in the safe there and we need to pick them up for her.  All right?" 

Emma nodded sleepily, rubbing bleary eyes.  "And then we can see her?" she asked. 

Natalia nodded.  "After we get the things she needs," she said, silently apologizing for not telling the girl the whole truth.  She had no intention of allowing Emma to see Olivia in her current state.  In fact, if she could hold her off until Olivia was awake she'd consider her temporary guardianship a tremendous success. 

Quickly Natalia drained her coffee, wrapped Emma up in her coat and gathered her into her arms.  "Thanks again for everything Buzz," she said as she paused at the door. 

"Hey," don't worry about it," he said.  "Anything else you need...anything," he squeezed her shoulder, "we're here for you.  The whole Cooper clan." 

Natalia replied with a tight nod, a smile and a predictable stab of guilt as she headed towards her car.  What was waiting for her there made her stop in her tracks. 

Philip was leaning casually against the driver's side door. 

* * *

The smile playing on Philip's lips as he watched Natalia and his daughter was not quite friendly, yet not quite menacing.  It made her more uneasy than outright hostility would have, and she instinctively looked over her shoulder to the restaurant.  She could see Buzz clearing up their coffee cups, but he wasn't looking at her. 

"Hello Emma," Philip said gently, pushing himself off the car door and moving across to his daughter. 

Emma responded by clinging tighter to Natalia and turning her head slightly to watch him through half-lidded eyes.  "Hi daddy."  She didn't sound as pleased to see him as she usually was. 

Natalia wasn't sure if her own anxiety was rubbing off on Emma, but she forced herself to calm down and smile as warmly as possible at Philip.  "Hello Philip," she said.  "I didn't expect to see you so soon." 

"No, I don't suppose you did." 

"We're going to the hotel and then we're seeing mommy," Emma said in a small voice, curling her fingers into Natalia's hair.  Natalia grasped her even closer. 

"I need you to sit in the car now, okay sweetheart?" she whispered directly into her ear.  When she felt Emma nod she lowered her to the ground walked her round to the passenger side door.  When she was securely buckled in to the seat she closed the door and turned to Philip. 

"Emma really doesn't need to be upset right now," she began, crossing her arms across her chest. 

Philip spread his arms out magnanimously.  "What makes you think I'm going to upset her?" 

Natalia barely avoided rolling her eyes at that remark.  "We're going to The Beacon," she said.  "Olivia has all her legal stuff there; we can discuss her instructions for Emma's care tomorrow.  After Emma gets a good night's sleep." 

Philip shook his head.  "We need to talk about this now," he said. 

Natalia sighed deeply and ran both hands through her tangled hair.  "Fine," she snapped.  "Then come with me and see what Olivia wants for yourself.  Just don't expect me to drive you."  With that she nudged him aside and got into her car. She watched in the rearview mirror as Philip stalked back to his own and turned on the engine.  His lights followed her too closely all the way to the hotel. 

* * *

Emma barely protested at all as Natalia slipped her into her bed in the suite she was sharing with her mom.  The girl fell prey to exhaustion almost the moment her head hit the pillow, her body curling around the stuffed rabbit Olivia had got her for Christmas so she lay in an almost foetal position.  Natalia took a moment to smooth her hair back and kiss her forehead gently before she turned to Philip, who was hovering like an unwelcome spirit in the background. 

"I could have handled that," he insisted, following her as she moved into the other room. 

"Ssssh," Natalia scolded.  "Don't wake her, for God's sake.  She needs this." 

"I'm not gonna wake her," he replied, forcefully but quietly.  "Believe it or not, I know what's best for my daughter." 

Natalia sat on Olivia's bed, watching Philip as she would a wasp in her kitchen.  "Olivia is very sick," she said, somehow managing to keep the heartache from her voice.  "She's in a coma.  Emma is completely distraught.  What exactly makes you think that dragging her away from a safe environment will do any good?" 

"Safe?" His voice began to rise.  "I'm _not_ dangerous!" 

Natalia's back stiffened.  "That's not the impression I got at the hospital." 

Philip held her gaze for just a moment before looking away, scraping his hands through his hair as he began to pace.  "I was worried about Emma," he said tightly.  "All I heard was that she'd been in an accident.  I'm her _father_.  I wanted to take care of her.  I'm...sorry."  The last word clearly cost him a lot. 

Under normal circumstances Natalia would have felt sorry for him, parent to parent.  Right now however she was far too tired and far too emotionally wrung out to care about his feelings.  "Go home, Philip," she said, a note of steel in her voice.  "I'll call you tomorrow and we can talk about what we're going to do." 

Philip cast a long look to Emma's closed bedroom door, then back to Natalia.  "We _will_ talk tomorrow," he assured her. 

"Fine."  The tension in her voice was palpable.  "But can you just go now, please?  I meant what I said before.  I can't deal with you right now." 

There was a long pause before Philip finally nodded his head.  "Tomorrow," he reminded her as he slipped out the door. 

Natalia flopped back onto the bed, sighing deeply.  "Whoop-de- _fucking_ -do," she spat venomously before seeming to realise exactly what she'd said.  "Well, I guess that's on my confession list," she muttered. 

The urge to stay right where she was lying was incredibly strong.  Every inch of her body ached and as for her mind...well, it was in pieces.  And if her mind was in pieces then her soul had been ground to powder.  She turned and buried her face in the comforter, inhaling Olivia's scent like it was a drug.  "I need you here," she whispered.  "Come back to me... Dear God, let her come back to me." 

She had no idea how long she lay there.  She may even have fallen into a fitful, restless sleep.  All she knew was that when she finally opened her eyes they burned like fire.  Her nerves were frayed and her muscles were alternately aching and twitching.  She needed to sleep, but she also knew she needed ammunition against Philip.  Groaning as she rolled from the bed, she stood and looked blearily round the room.  There was a safe in the suite, she knew that, but it seemed likely that Olivia kept important documents in the main safe in her office. 

She passed a couple of maids she knew to nod to on the way downstairs but couldn't muster up a smile for either of them.  Nor could she manage to be civil to the desk clerk who offered a small smile and a look of worry.  Natalia completely ignored her as she padded past, heading for Olivia's office. 

The office was just average sized but it was dominated by a very large, very messy, desk.  Olivia always claimed that she was simply using a three-dimensional filing system.  It had caused their first and only major disagreement in a professional capacity when Natalia had tidied the desk soon after being appointed assistant.  She'd really believed she was going to get fired that day, and she also believed that only the memory of her heart stopping during their last real battle of words had prevented Olivia from letting loose.  Still, Natalia hadn't made the mistake of touching Olivia's desk again.  And she had to admit, Olivia Spencer got things done, messy desk or no messy desk. 

The safe required a combination which Natalia suddenly realised she had absolutely no idea about.  "Okay, obviously the combination to the safe is not really important enough to tell me, right 'Liv?" she muttered.  She tried Olivia's birthday, with no success.  Too obvious, she supposed.  Emma's birthday also yielded no results and she was just trying to remember Ava's when she found herself impulsively inputting her own. 

The safe clunked open revealing a surprisingly neat pile of assorted papers and documents.  "Olivia," she whispered, a flood of love for the other woman rushing through her suddenly and leaving her breathless.  It took her a very long moment to recover from that, but when she did she decided to take all the papers upstairs to the suite so she could be there if Emma needed her. 

On the way back up she met no-one, and was very glad of it.  The news of her aborted wedding and Olivia's accident had been spreading around the small town for hours, and she knew that soon the whispering and the questions would start.  The longer she could put that off the better. 

The first thing she found was yet another power of attorney, this time dealing specifically with Emma.  Natalia sighed in relief as she realised that she at last had something concrete to use against Philip for as long as Olivia remained unconscious.  Olivia had given her the most generous powers she could, it seemed, allowing her to make decisions about Emma's health, both emergency and routine, her education, even on whether or not she should go on field trips.  There was also a letter for her in an envelope marked ' _To Natalia, about Emma_ ' in Olivia's neat sloping handwriting.  
  




_Dearest Natalia,_  
              _I think you know how much I trust you with Emma.  There's no-one I trust more.  I've hopefully arranged everything so that you'll be free to take care of her if I'm sick.  But if I die, Philip gets custody._

_Natalia, I can't let that happen.  I won't have my daughter brought up as a Spaulding, I won't.  So that's why I need to ask you for something, something big.  But I'm not afraid of what your answer will be because I know you and I know you'll do it._

_If I die, go to my lawyer right away.  He has adoption papers on file which I have already signed and dated.  You just need to sign them too and use the same date I did.  It's the only way I know to get my custody passed to you.  And I don't want anyone else raising Emma but her #2 mommy._

_Always remember, Natalia - you're a freakin' superhero._  
_Love always,_  
_Olivia_  
  
---  
  



Natalia read and reread the letter at least six times and would have gone on reading it if her tears hadn't threatened to wet the paper through.  Suddenly her mind could supply no image but that of Olivia lying broken on the hospital bed, her eyes closed, her lovely face bruised and swollen.  Unable to hold herself up any longer Natalia fell back onto the bed, surrounding herself with Olivia's blankets.  The faint memory of her perfume clung still to the bedding and Natalia drank it in greedily as she wept over what she might have lost.  It took a long time for her to cry herself to sleep. 

* * *

Saturday was traditionally Natalia's day to sleep late.  When Rafe was growing up she'd always tried, as far as possible, to make sure she had Saturday off from her various jobs.  In the morning Rafe would get up really early, get his own cereal and watch cartoons while Natalia caught a well deserved extra hour or two in bed.  Then they'd go out together - to the park or for a walk round the neighbourhood if the weather was good; to a museum or library if the weather was bad.  Very, very rarely she might take him to a movie - if the tips had been especially good that month, or if a few numbers had come up on the lottery ticket that she shared with the girls at work.  But generally Rafe seemed to enjoy their Saturdays together whatever they did - and they were her most treasured days of the week. 

That morning, for the first time in almost twenty years, Natalia woke with the dawn on a Saturday.  She had been asleep for maybe five or six hours and she knew her body really needed more but her mind seemed to have staged a mutiny.  All the thoughts she'd tried to beat down had come back with a vengeance in her dreams - Olivia's stark "there is no us", Frank's kicked puppy eyes, Olivia's face as she lay in the hospital bed.  She scrunched her eyes shut so hard she could see coloured dots flashing like fireworks but the images wouldn't stop coming. 

She rolled over onto her side trying to escape the onslaught of thoughts and found herself pushing against something warm and solid.  Her eyes snapped open but her brief confusion was erased when she saw the ear of a white plush bunny poking out from under the bedclothes.  Emma had transplanted herself in the night and now lay burrowed under the comforter, her body curled around a stray pillow.  Natalia felt a wave of love swell and break as she leaned down to press her lips to the girl's forehead.  Emma didn't stir, but she did sigh a little, her breath tickling Natalia's chin. 

Being very careful not to wake her, Natalia slid out of bed.  Her body was crying out for coffee and a shower, though not necessarily in that order.  She felt grimy and the skin on her face was tight with a layer of dried tears.  She longed for the sensation of water on her skin, washing away all the bad things like a baptism.  That was what life with Olivia had been like, she thought.  Baptism.  The death of one life and the beginning of a new, deeper, richer one. 

The Beacon Hotel had very good bathrooms, and Natalia spent longer than she'd meant to just standing under the steady spray letting her mind drift.  The hot water was delicious and she almost - almost - managed to forget everything that was going on.  But eventually she knew she needed to get back to the real world. 

A quick towel dry later and she found herself looking through Olivia's bureau for a fresh shirt.  Right at the back of the drawer she found a grey T-shirt she immediately recognised - Olivia had worn it a lot when she first gout out of hospital.  Natalia couldn't resist it.  It was actually a size or two big on her, but she didn't care.  She began to wonder if she'd ever wear her own clothes again.  The desire to be near Olivia in any way she could was so strong. 

As soon as she was dressed she placed a call to room service for breakfast - banana pancakes and milk for Emma; coffee and a bran muffin for herself.  She wasn't sure she'd be able to eat but when she saw Emma toying with her food she forced herself to swallow, if only to provide a good example. 

"Did you sleep well honey?" she asked gently. 

Emma shrugged.  "I had a bad dream." 

Natalia frowned.  "Is that...is that why you came in to sleep beside me?"  Emma nodded.  "Do you want to tell me what the dream was about?" 

"Mommy," Emma said simply.  "Her arm was all backwards." 

Natalia held back tears with sheer force of will as she tried not to think about how scary yesterday must have been for Emma who had been conscious the whole time and had had to see Olivia broken and bleeding in the road.  "It's in a cast now," she said.  "And soon it'll be all better." 

Emma shifted restlessly.  "Can I ask you something?" 

"Anything." 

Emma wouldn't meet her eyes.  "Is my mom going to die?" 

Natalia was sure her heart was breaking.  She crossed the room and knelt by the side of the bed, grasping Emma's hands in hers.  "No," she said confidently.  "She is definitely not going to die." 

Emma seemed to consider that for a moment, and then her face broke into a wide smile and she hugged Natalia's neck hard.  "I love you, Natalia." 

"I love you too, baby," Natalia replied, surprised she could even speak through the lump of emotion in her throat. 

"Can I ask you something else?" 

Natalia pulled her head back so she could look at the girl's face.  "Sure." 

Emma smiled.  "I don't want to call you Natalia anymore," she said. 

Natalia felt her eyebrows rising to her hairline.  "No?" 

Emma shook her head.  "Rafe calls you 'ma'," she continued. 

"Uh...yeah, he sure does," Natalia replied, feeling like she was about two steps behind in the conversation. 

"But when he was little he called you 'mama'," Emma said.  "He told me once."  She looked into Natalia's eyes hopefully.  "Can I call you mama too?" 

This time there was no way she could stop her tears from falling.  Her hands covered her mouth as she cried the happiest of all possible tears.  "Oh, my baby," she gasped, pulling Emma into her arms and holding her tightly.  "My darling, darling girl."  She rained kisses down on the girl's forehead and cheeks, her face clasped gently between her palms. 

"Does this mean yes?" Emma giggled. 

"Yes!" Natalia exclaimed.  "I'd love you to call me mama.  I would...really, really love that." 

They hugged again, but only briefly as the moment was interrupted by a knock at the door.  "Natalia?" came the voice from the other side.  "It's Philip." 

* * *

When Emma was securely ensconced in the other room watching Saturday morning cartoons, Natalia turned to Philip.  "I'm not letting you take her," she said bluntly.  "I know what Olivia wants now."  She passed him the document giving her permission to act as Emma's guardian while Olivia was sick.  Philip read it over several times. 

"I could fight this," he said blandly.  Natalia sighed. 

"You could," she agreed.  "But Olivia will be awake in a few days and the point will be moot.  And all you'll have succeeded in doing is turning me against you."  She paused.  "Do you know why Olivia lets you see Emma at all?  It's not really because she sneaked off to testify for you that time."  She met his eyes.  "It's because of me.  Because I told her Emma had a right to love her dad.  Because I stopped her from badmouthing you in front of her." 

Philip crossed his arms across his chest.  "So what are you saying...?" 

"I'm saying," Natalia replied sharply.  "That I can influence Olivia.  And if she wakes up and finds out you've been causing trouble it'll confirm everything she already thinks about you.  All you'll do is push us so we're _both_ against you.  And let me tell you something, when Olivia and I are united?  We are absolutely invincible."  She finished with a note of pride in her voice and a defiant tilt to her chin.  She was managing to look pretty invincible all on her own. 

Philip lasted for a good ten seconds before admitting defeat, holding his hands in the air.  "Okay, okay," he said.  Natalia relaxed a little as she heard him laugh softly.  "You know, you're quite something Natalia," he added. 

Natalia rolled her eyes.  "Don't flirt with me," she scolded. 

Philip raised his eyebrows.  "Wouldn't dream of it.  Olivia's the one woman in the world who scares me.  Well," he amended, taking another look at Natalia.  "Actually, maybe that's one of two." 

Natalia flushed, not quite knowing how to respond to his assumption that she and Olivia were together.  She remembered a time when denial would have leapt instantly to her lips but now?  Things were different now. 

"But you know, I am supposed to get supervised visits every second Saturday," Philip was saying, pulling her back to the moment. 

"Oh yeah, I remember," she said absently.  Then she fully realised what Philip was saying.  "Today?  I don't know if that's such a good idea Philip..." 

"It's a great idea," Philip argued.  "You can call Jane to chaperone.  I can distract Emma from what's going on.  You don't want her seeing Olivia in her current condition, do you?" 

Natalia didn't like it, but she couldn't deny it was true.  "You'll stay with Jane," she said finally.  "And text me every two hours." 

Philip performed a small salute.  "Yes boss," he said, and slid past her to get to Emma. 

Natalia quickly called Jane, unable to shake her uneasiness, yet knowing she was being slightly ridiculous.  Philip had taken Emma for visits with Jane before, and everything had been fine.  Nothing was different today. 

_Except that I'm her mama now_ , her mind supplied.  _We're really a family.  Rafe, me, Em and Olivia.  We belong together._

She still wasn't exactly happy about Philip looking after Emma, but at least one good thing was coming of it.  She was able to get back to Olivia's side now.  She knew that was exactly where she belonged. 

* * *

When she returned to the hospital she found Rafe dozing quietly in the hard plastic chair by Olivia's bed.  She stopped for a moment in the doorway to watch him.  He looked scruffy and strange in his wrinkled suit with the top shirt buttons undone and the tie loosened.  Stubble had broken out on his chin and he looked a little pale, even accounting for the sickly pallor the hospital lights gave everyone.  He was breathing deeply and slowly through his mouth, snoring a little just occasionally.  Natalia didn't think she'd ever loved him more. 

"Hey sweetie," she murmured as she crossed over to him and ran a hand over his brow.  Rafe jerked awake, blinking furiously. 

"Ma," he said blearily when he managed to focus on her.  "Did you get Em?" 

"Sshh, ssh," she soothed.  "I got her.  Everything's fine now."  She glanced at Olivia.  "You stayed with her all night." 

"Yeah, well, she's important to you she's important to me, right?" 

Natalia looked down.  "Is that the only reason?" 

Rafe paused.  "No," he admitted at last.  "I know I used to hate her guts ma, but...she's changed.  You know, she's actually a good person."  He shrugged.  "She must be or you wouldn't care about her so much, right?" 

Natalia wasn't sure how she had any tears left, but they arrived again on cue as she looked down into Olivia's face.  "I do," she whispered.  "So very, very much." 

Rafe watched her as she reached out a trembling hand to cover Olivia's.  The touch seemed to ground her, injecting a little more strength into her spine, letting her stand up a little straighter.  A slow drawled "oh" slipped from his mouth, then he smiled up at her.  "Am I going to have two mommies too?" he asked, a smirk pasting itself onto his face. 

Natalia was frozen.  "I-" she began, then broke off.  "Rafe-" she tried again, but no more words would come. 

"Ma, ma," he laughed as he stood up, took her face in his hands and kissed her forehead.  "I keep trying to tell you - whatever makes you happy makes me happy.  That's it.  I don't care who it is so long as he-"  He stopped, a slow smile appearing on his face.  "Or she," he continued, "is good to you and treats you right." 

Natalia wrapped her arms around him so tightly she was surprised she didn't hear ribs cracking.  "How can you tell all this just by looking at me?" she muttered.  Rafe laughed. 

"You're my mom," he said simply.  "And I've seen you in love before you know." 

Natalia squeezed her eyes shut.  "I did love your dad," she whispered.  "I did.  But this is just...different." 

Rafe rubbed her back soothingly.  "Well yeah, she's a chick right?" 

Natalia shook her head.  "That's not what I mean."  She frowned, trying to find the words for what she wanted to say.  "Marrying Gus was a dream," she said at last.  "It was a dream I'd had since before you were born.  A dream I'd kept alive in the back of my mind the whole time you were growing up.  You know there was never anyone else for me.  He was the only man I ever wanted in my life." 

Rafe nodded.  "I know, ma," he said gently. 

"But this thing," Natalia continued.  "This is different.  This is something I never imagined I could want.  Not just because she's a woman but because she's her...because of our history."  She looked up at her son, smiling.  "God we hated each other."  They both laughed and Natalia brought her hands round and placed them on his chest.  "But she did something to me," she said.  Her left hand moved to cover her heart.  "She got inside.  I don't know how.  I don't know when.  I just know she did.  And now that I know what it is...to love her...to want her, I-" her voice cracked as the tears started again.  "I don't know how to want anything else." 

Rafe gently took her face in his hands, wiping away her tears with his thumbs.  "So don't try," he said slowly.  "Just love her and be happy." 

They stood together like that for a long moment before Natalia's face split in a beatific smile.  "How did you get so wise?  When did that happen?" 

Rafe laughed.  "I dunno ma, maybe I've had good role models or somethin'." 

Natalia grabbed his face and kissed his forehead.  "I love you so much, Raphael Rivera.  I don't know how you turned into such a good man.  But thank God you did." 

Rafe shook his head.  "No ma," he said.  "Thank _you_." 

A noise at the door crashed into the moment, shattering it.  "Wakey wakey Rafe, I brought coffee!"  Frank was pushing the door open with his back, two paper cups in his hands.  "Oh," he said when he turned and saw Natalia.  He smiled and his voice dropped into a soft almost-whisper.  "You're back.  I was so worried about you, baby." 

Natalia didn't dare look at Rafe whose eyes she could feel boring into the side of her head.  Instead she concentrated on providing a weak smile for the man whose heart she was about to shatter into a million pieces. 

* * *

Natalia sat for a long time holding Olivia's hand while she waited for Frank to return from taking Rafe back to the farmhouse for some well deserved sleep.  It was amazing, really, what this woman's hands could make her feel.  She remembered the few times their hands had touched before they really became friends.  Olivia's hands had just been like anyone else's then, as hard as it was to believe that right now.  They hadn't made her heart speed up, hadn't made her fingers tingle, hadn't made her feel weak and yet so very, very strong at the same time.  They were just hands.  Nothing more than bones, veins, muscles and skin. 

But that changed, and Natalia began to think that maybe it was her hands she'd fallen in love with first.  She had certainly begun to notice them more when Olivia spoke, waving her arms around energetically to make her point.  And she had begun to crave their touch, the warmth of them, the unfamiliar softness and gentle strength.  She needed that strength to pass to her now as she waited for Frank, knowing she needed to tell him everything. 

"Well, he's home," Frank said as he slipped back into the room some time later - Natalia had lost track of exactly how long he'd been gone.  She smiled tightly at him, still holding Olivia's hand tightly. 

"Thanks Frank." 

He pulled another chair over so he could sit next to her.  "So, you got everything sorted out with Em and Philip, right?" 

Natalia nodded, her gaze fixed on Olivia's face.  "Emma's started calling me mama," she said, wonder and joy in her voice.  In fact, she was really saying it to Olivia rather than Frank, so it was a surprise when she heard him reply. 

"Is that such a good idea?" he said. 

"What?"  She turned to him, frowning deeply.  "Why?" 

"Well, I know things didn't quite work out yesterday but we're still engaged," he said.  "When we get married we'll be starting our own family.  Emma'll have to move on." 

Natalia almost laughed, but there was no humour in the situation.  "Oh, Frank," she sighed.  "We're not getting married." 

She could almost see the wheels turning behind his eyes as he sat stunned for almost a full minute.  "Wha-" he said eventually.  "Natalia, what are you talking about?" 

Natalia turned back to Olivia, still holding her hand.  "I'm sorry," she said, and meant it.  "But I told you yesterday...I'm not really free." 

Frank shook himself.  "This is about Gus," he began, but Natalia interrupted. 

"No, Frank, it's not about Gus." 

Confusion spread over his face like a wave.  "What?"  He looked around the room helplessly.  "This is...this is just being here in the hospital again, that's what it is."  He ignored Natalia's shaking head.  "You know, this is all just bringing back memories of Gus.  You need to get out of here, you're not thinking straight." 

"Well maybe not, but I am thinking clearly," Natalia replied instantly.  The lines of confusion on Frank's face deepened. 

"Come on," he said, grabbing her arm.  "You need to go home and try not to think about this place."  He persisted, despite Natalia's repeated ' _no_ 's.  "Come on Natalia, you don't need to be here!" he said finally. 

She looked up at him, shaking her arm loose.  "You're wrong," she said.  "I know where I need to be."  She turned to Olivia again and even Frank could not mistake the look of pure love and devotion that transformed her face.  "And who I need to be with..." 

He looked from Natalia to Olivia and back again for at least half a minute.  "This is what you meant," he murmured.  "When you said you weren't free.  Not Gus." 

Natalia nodded.  "No," she admitted, and looked up into his face with clear eyes.  "I meant her." 

* * *

Frank was pacing.  He'd been pacing for at least five minutes and hadn't said a word since Natalia's quiet declaration.  She was leaving him to it.  She knew she owed him more than this, but it was getting harder and harder to want to give it to him with grace.  She sighed.  "Frank," she said at last, but he didn't let her continue. 

"You know, this is so typical of Olivia," he muttered. 

Nonplussed, Natalia's eyebrows raised and her lip curled in an unmistakably ' _what the hell?_ ' expression.  "Uh..." 

"She's always been selfish, you know?"  He gestured towards the woman in the bed, a touch of contempt in his eyes.  "But this really beats all." 

"Frank?  What are you talking about?" 

He threw his hands up in frustration.  "Her!"  He was close to yelling.  "Manipulating you, playing her 'oh I'm so sick, take care of me' game.  Making you feel like you need to look after, making you feel obliged!" 

Natalia was literally speechless.  Had he heard nothing she'd just said?  "I don't feel _obliged_ ," she finally managed to choke out, but Frank didn't seem to be listening. 

"She can take care of herself, Natalia," he said.  "You deserve to be free, to have your own life!" 

"She _is_ my life!" 

He stopped in his tracks.  "What?" 

Natalia scraped her hands through her hair and grimaced.  "I don't want to hurt you, Frank," she said.  "I care for you, and I respect you.  But you need to listen to me.  Really listen." 

Horror was beginning to dawn on Frank's face.  "What are you saying Natalia?" 

"I'm saying," she began steadily.  "That I can't marry you because of Olivia.  Not because I feel like I need to look after her.  Not because she's manipulated me into thinking she needs me.  Not because I'm obliged to her.  Because I am _in love with_ her." 

Frank slumped against the wall, looking for all the world like someone had kicked him right in the stomach.  "No," he moaned.  "This is all wrong.  You can't mean this..." 

Natalia looked away.  "I do, Frank," she whispered.  "I do.  I'm sorry that this hurts you, I am.  But I can't pretend any more.  I can't keep running from it.  Because you know, I'm only running from myself." 

Natalia closed her eyes and breathed deeply, trying to get her heart under control.  She hated this, had always hated it, confronting people, disappointing them, hurting them.  She had very nearly gone through with the wedding rather than face this moment.  Her heart thudded in her ears.  But no...not her heart.  She looked up at Frank who was rhythmically banging his head against the wall. 

"Frank," she gasped rushing to his side and trying to pull him away from the wall.  "Stop, you're hurting yourself!" 

He jerked away from her hands as if he'd been burned.  "What do you care?"  He cast a venomous look at Olivia.  "She'll never love you, you know," he spat.  "Olivia Spencer doesn't know the meaning of the word.  She only cares about herself." 

Natalia shook her head, her face hardening.  "You're wrong,"  she said, her lips a tight line.  "I know her.  I know how she feels." 

"I know her too, Natalia.  I've known her a lot longer than you and let me tell you, she'll never change.  She's a cheater and a manipulator.  She'll break your heart, I guarantee it." 

Natalia shook her head.  "No, Frank.  Listen to me, I-" 

"Oh, just tell me why?" 

She shook her head.  "Wha- Why what?" 

"Why her and not me?" he demanded.  "I think you owe me that much." 

Natalia looked down at her hands.  "It's not as simple as that, Frank.  I-" 

"Just tell me why." 

"I can-" 

"WHY?" 

"Because she sees me!"  Natalia snapped, jerking her head up, eyes flashing with hurt and anger. 

"I see you too!" Frank yelled instantly.  Natalia almost laughed. 

"No Frank," she explained, her voice hard.  "You only think you do because _she showed you_." 

He reeled back from her words as if struck.  "Wha-?" 

"You said it yourself," she reminded him.  "She coached you.  Helped you out a bit?  Told you what I like, what I need, how to pretend to be the one for me?  Didn't you ever wonder how she knew?  Because she already was the person I needed, Frank." 

He didn't speak.  He looked lost, so unspeakably lost, that she felt all her anger draining away.  "I'm sorry, Frank," she murmured.  "I didn't plan this you know, it just...happened." 

Frank shook his head.  "I don't get it," he said softly.  "I mean...what the hell does she have to offer that I don't?  What has she ever given you?" 

Natalia took a step back.  "What has she given me?" she asked incredulously.  "Well, she gave me a house last summer, for starters.  And ten thousand dollars for Rafe's legal fees, before we were even friends." 

Frank's lip curled.  "I didn't think you were the type whose affections could be bought, Natalia." 

Natalia straightened.  "You're very close to saying something you can't take back, Frank," she warned. 

He slumped a little.  "Listen," he began, but she cut him off. 

"No, you listen."  Her voice was strong and clear.  "What has she given me?  A reason to go on living after Gus died.  A chance to do a job I'm really good at, a job I never really believed I could do.  A wonderful home and a life with the sweetest little girl in the world."  She looked down at Olivia's sleeping face, and her voice softened.  "She...challenges me," she said.  "She always has, not that I always appreciated it.  She pushes me, she spurs me on to do things I'd convinced myself I wasn't capable of.  She sees more in me than just a _mom_ or...or a _waitress_.  She sees what I can be, not just what I am.  And she helps me see it too."  She looked up at him again.  "What has she given me?  Confidence.  Self-respect.  Friendship.  And most of all - a love so pure, so... _selfless_...that she was willing to let me go just because she thought I'd be happy.  She thought being married to you would make me happy.  But it never could Frank, and I'm sorry.  Because _she_ is the one who makes me happy." 

Frank's face made her heart ache but she knew he'd needed to hear everything she'd just said.  She cursed herself for having been such a coward, for pushing her love for Olivia down so deep that she'd convinced herself that using this good, honourable man to run from her feelings was the best thing to do. 

"I-" he choked, then swallowed, clearly fighting tears.  "I have to go."  She didn't try to halt his retreat.  He was gone from the room in under five seconds, practically running to the exit. 

Natalia sat down heavily, her breath coming out in one long rush.  "So" she said to Olivia's unconscious form.  "That went really, _really_ well." 

* * *

Natalia sat with Olivia for a long time before the buzz of her cellphone in her pocket brought her back to reality.  There were two texts from Philip she hadn't read.  The first had come in at 11am saying _Taking Emma to the zoo._   The second had arrived at exactly 1pm and said _Emma says the lioness reminds her of you, I wonder why?_   She managed a smile.  At least he was holding up to his end of the bargain, even if he did still make her a little nervous.  She dashed off a quick reply - _Bring her to the farmhouse at 5 please_ \- and returned her attention to Olivia. 

"Well, I have to go for a little while," she said, brushing Olivia's hair away from her face.  "I have a few errands I need to run, but I'll be back to sit with you soon."  She kissed Olivia's smooth forehead almost reverently, and suddenly remembered being in a similar position once before.  She had almost kissed Olivia then, had come so close to taking that final step.  She remembered the pounding of her heart, the tingling of her lips, the sense of absolute inevitability.  She'd hardly been able to breathe when Olivia woke up and shattered the spell.  And she'd run, literally and metaphorically, as far and as fast as she could. 

She could have that kiss right now she realised, her heart thundering in her ears.  Olivia wasn't going to wake up and stop her, she was going to be under for another day at least.  She could quench a little bit of the slow fire that had been raging in her belly for so long.  Her eyes drifted to those intoxicating lips and she nearly - nearly - gave in. 

"Oh, you'd better wake up soon," she muttered, diverting her lips to the sleeping woman's cheek instead.  "I really, really need you to kiss me." 

With one last longing look at the woman she was so spectacularly in love with, she gathered her things and made for the door.  And ran smack into Rick who was coming in at the same time. 

"Whoah," he said, grasping her arms to keep her steady. 

"Sorry," she said, smiling.  "I was just going off to run a few errands." 

"I need to talk to you first," he said, holding out yet another clipboard with forms for her to sign. 

"Oh, this looks fun," she muttered, sitting down again and taking the clipboard and pen from him. 

He smiled.  "It's about the fractures this time," he explained. "The arm is a good clean break, we'll just put it in a cast for six weeks or so and that'll be that.  It's the leg that's concerning us." 

Natalia skimmed the form he'd given her, not really taking in any of the medical jargon but she was pretty sure she understood the phrase ' _compound fracture of the tibia_ '.  "So what do you need to do?" she asked. 

"Well," Rick replied, drawing up a chair.  "Basically we need to do a little surgery on the leg.  We'll insert a titanium nail into the bone, and clear a few things up in there.  It's actually not that bad - at least she didn't damage the ankle or the knee too.  This has a good prognosis for a full recovery, eventually." 

"Eventually?" she repeated. 

"Well, she'll need to stay completely off the leg for at least six weeks," he explained.  "Once the cast on the arm's off we can think about letting her use crutches for limited periods.  When the leg cast comes off her muscles will have atrophied somewhat, so that'll require some physical therapy.  All in all I'd say she should be pretty much back to normal in five, six months." 

Natalia sat in silence for a moment.  "Six months," she repeated dully.  "Wow.  That's...uh, that's a pretty long recovery." 

Rick nodded.  "And it'll be boring and painful," he said, not really sounding too sorry about it.  "But listen, we really need to get this nail inserted right away.  We should have done it yesterday, but we had to  deal with the head injury first." 

Natalia quickly signed the form.  "Okay," she said.  "Well...let me know when she's out of surgery," she said, standing. 

"No problem," he said.  "Listen,  about what I was saying yesterday-" he began, but Natalia held up her hand. 

"Can I talk to you about it later?" she asked.  "I really need to make a few calls as soon as I can.  I'll be back tonight, okay?"  With that she was gone. 

Rick watched her leave, uneasiness settling over him like a blanket.  He looked down at Olivia.  "Okay, let's get you cut open," he murmured, and pressed the call button for a nurse. 

* * *

By the time five o'clock rolled around Natalia was exhausted and sweaty but extremely satisfied.  Olivia's very confused movers had been called and had spent a couple of hours bringing back all the things they'd carted out of the farmhouse the previous day.  Then Natalia had woken Rafe and enlisted his help in putting everything back where it belonged.  Olivia's bedroom looked like Olivia's bedroom again.  The only thing missing was the woman herself. 

Natalia had even managed to avoid crying all day.  She'd only come close once when she was making Olivia's bed with fresh sheets.  Her hand had scraped against something under the pillow which turned out to be a photo of her and Emma that Olivia had taken sometime in February - after the two mommies debacle and before the Philip catastrophe.  Natalia was looking right at the camera with shining eyes and Emma was looking at Natalia with such glee and love that it made her heart ache.  Reverently she had placed it back under the pillow where she found it, her heart almost bursting with love for the woman who had first put it there.  Natalia wondered if Olivia would ever stop surprising her.  She really, really hoped not. 

Philip dropped Emma off at exactly five o'clock.  "I'm behaving myself," he said as Emma rushed passed Natalia to see what she'd done to her room in the one night since she'd been gone. 

"Do you...uh...want to stay for dinner?"  She wasn't quite sure what had prompted her to ask, and was extremely relieved when he shook his head. 

"You know, maybe I'll take you up on that another time," he said. 

She resisted the urge to let out a calming breath.  "Okay...well, thanks for looking after Emma." 

"Anytime," he said seriously.  "I mean it.  I love my daughter very much.  I'd never do anything to hurt her." 

Natalia nodded tightly as she showed him to the door.  The day had gone some way to allowing her to begin trusting him but she wasn't there yet.  Not by a long shot. 

"You put my books in the wrong place, mama," Emma scolded her as she came back into the kitchen. 

Natalia shook her head, a smile breaking out on her face.  "They're on your bookshelf aren't they?" she asked, ruffling Emma's hair. 

"But they're not in the same order!" Emma protested. 

Natalia chuckled.  She hadn't been able to resist arranging the books in order of height rather than the higgelty-piggelty way Emma had had them before.  "Well, why don't you go and fix that while I make us some dinner, hmm?" 

Emma scampered off to do just that.  Natalia smiled after her.  She hadn't asked about her mom yet, something for which Natalia was grateful.  She wasn't sure what she was going to tell her when she demanded to see her.  One thing was for sure, she definitely didn't want to let her see Olivia until she was conscious and able to reassure her personally that she was all right. 

For an hour or so Natalia devoted herself to cooking, glad of the normality of chopping, frying and simmering.  She could hear Emma and Rafe moving around the house and for a few moments she almost let herself forget that there was a piece of her heart lying in a hospital bed across town.  Momentarily she allowed herself to lapse into a fantasy - her children safe and happy in the other room, dinner simmering gently on the stove, and Olivia slipping up behind her, wrapping her arms round her waist and resting her chin on her shoulder.  She closed her eyes and sighed, almost able to feel those strong arms around her, almost able to smell the scent of her skin... 

"Hey ma, what's for dinner?" Rafe yelled from the living room, jerking her back to reality without ceremony. 

"Uh..." She had to clear her throat.  "Chicken and rice," she called back.  "And don't yell in the house, okay?" 

"Okay," he yelled.  Natalia rolled her eyes. 

An hour later, bellies full, the three of them settled down on the couch to watch TV.  Emma pressed herself against Natalia's side her small arms wrapped around her waist.  When the phone rang Rafe got up to answer it.  "Hello," he said, then listened for a few moments.  "It's for you ma," he explained, carrying the handset over to her.  "It's Doctor Rick." 

"Hi, Rick," she said, a smile in her voice as she raised the phone to her ear.  "So, is her leg bionic yet?"  Rafe watched as the smile slipped from his mother's face.  "What?  But...it's too early, isn't it?  I thought it'd be another day?"  Rafe sat  up a little straighter.  "Okay," his mother said.  "I'll...I'll be right there." 

Rafe was sure Doctor Rick was still talking but Natalia had already hung up and made a dash for the coat rack.  "Hey, what's going on ma?" he said, following her. 

"You need to look after Em for a while, okay?" she said, ignoring his question. 

"Ma!" he repeated.  "What is it?" 

She turned to him, a mix of worry and hope swimming in her eyes.  "She's awake!"


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have quoted a little from the Bible (psalm 25) in the beginning, and from Margery Williams' _The Velveteen Rabbit_ at the end.

Natalia didn't remember the drive to the hospital.  She could have run a dozen red lights for all she knew, and broken a million speed limits.  She didn't remember parking badly at the hospital.  She didn't remember abandoning the car without bothering to straighten it up.  She didn't remember rushing through the entrance.  She didn't remember seeing Rick's worried face or hearing his call to wait.  All she wanted was to get to Olivia.  Her beautiful, wonderful Olivia who had woken up a day early just because she'd asked her to. 

"Olivia..." she gasped as she burst through the doors, her heart thundering.  But when green eyes flickered open and locked with hers she was sure her heart had stopped.  The Earth stood still for one short moment as the pieces of Natalia's shattered world slotted snugly back into place. 

And then they smashed into a million pieces again. 

"What the hell are you doing here?" Olivia groaned, her eyes floating closed again. 

Natalia stopped in mid-stride.  "Wh-what?" 

Rick was right suddenly behind her, steadying her with a hand on her elbow.  "I tried to warn you," he said simply, pulling up a chair and pushing her down into it. 

Natalia blinked several times.  "W-warn me?  About what?" 

"About what might happen after she woke up," he explained. 

"You know, I'm still in the room," Olivia interrupted caustically.  "And I'm not dead yet so stop talking about me as if I'm not here." 

Rick turned his attention to her.  "How do you feel?" he asked. 

"Peachy."  She opened her eyes again, squinting against the light.  "When can I get out of here?" 

"Let me ask you a few questions," he said, ignoring her.  "What's two plus two?" 

Olivia didn't deign to respond to that verbally, choosing instead to bestow a murderous glance on her doctor.  Then her gaze strayed to Natalia's stricken face and her eyes softened, a troubled expression crossing briefly across her features, as if there was something she didn't quite understand just out of her reach. 

"Don't like that one?  Okay, fine.  What's...the square root of two hundred and eighty nine?" 

"Seventeen," Olivia responded instantly, turning her face back to him.  "What?" she asked after Rick paused a second too long.  "I'm a business-woman.  I can do math!" 

Rick shook his head, managing a smile.  "Okay, a hard one now."  He held up his pen.  "What's this?" 

Olivia opened her mouth instantly to reply but no words came.  She coughed, swallowed and tried again but nothing happened.  Fear clouded her eyes suddenly.  "That's a stupid question," she said at last. 

"Uh huh," Rick replied.  "Who's the president?" 

Olivia flopped her head back onto the pillow.  "You've asked me this already." 

"I know, but I think Natalia might like to hear the answer." 

Olivia glanced at her again.  "Come on Rick, I know she's only a maid but I'm sure she follows the news." 

If Natalia hadn't been sitting she would have fallen down.  Her hands shot to her mouth and tears sprang instantly to her tired eyes.  "Oh God, no..." she muttered.  "Please, no..." 

"Answer the question Olivia," said Rick, dragging her attention back to him. 

Olivia held up her hands in a gesture of frustration.  "George Bush!  Happy?" 

A strangled yelp escaped from Natalia's mouth as Olivia's words hit her like a physical blow.  She looked over at her again, that same troubled expression ghosting over her face. 

"Olivia," Rick said, in the gentlest voice he could muster.  "It's April 18th 2009.  Barack Obama is president.  And this," he held up his pen.  "Is a pen." 

Olivia's response was interrupted by the clatter of a chair as Natalia stood up and almost ran from the room. 

 

* * *

Natalia accepted the coffee Rick handed to her with a shaking hand.  It was too hot and scalded her mouth as she sipped it, but she didn't notice.  Her mind was still stuck in Olivia's room, replaying every agonising minute of what had just happened. 

"I tried to tell you before," Rick was saying.  "We suspected damage to the temporal lobe.  And after a sudden traumatic head injury at least some degree of amnesia is to be expected." 

"How much time has she lost?" Natalia asked hollowly. 

Rick fidgeted.  "As near as we can tell?  About seven months.  Plus, as you saw, there are some missing concepts rattling round her skull too." 

Natalia was no longer listening.  Seven months.  September.  Before she became her assistant, before the $80,000, before the farmhouse, before they became a family, before...   _Before she loved me_ , her mind supplied, and her heart broke.  She tried to be angry at herself for feeling like this.  Olivia was alive!  Her personality was intact, as well as her trademark sarcasm, and she wasn't a drooling vegetable.  It was selfish to want more than that, but... 

But oh God, she felt like something inside had died.  There was a piece missing from her heart and she didn't know how she was going to get it back.  And how could she ever explain this devastation to anyone?  How to explain that she was grieving the loss of something she had never really had, but that she had wanted more than anything in the world? 

Her mind floated on a sea of despair for several moments before she realised that Rick was still talking.  "...familiar surroundings are important.  Stick to normal routine as much as possible.  There aren't any guarantees of course, but-" 

"Wait," she interrupted, holding up a hand.  "Are you saying she might be able to get her memories back?" 

Rick shrugged.  "It's possible," he said.  "Some things are already coming back.  She didn't know her own name when she first woke up." 

It was as if a wave had swelled and broken, waking her up.  A tiny light of hope sparked in her soul, and she clung to it for all she was worth. 

"When can I take her home?" 

 

* * *

Olivia was floating in a haze of sleepy fuzz.  Thoughts, ideas and memories smashed together like pool balls in her head.  Pool?  Why was that familiar?  A fleeting image of...someone...bending over a pool table flashed briefly through her mind, and then was lost.  She tried to hold onto it, knowing somehow that the someone was important, but only managing to retain the distinct impression that they had a nice ass. 

She smiled, despite the throbbing and pounding behind her eyes.  Maybe she'd managed to have a love life in the those missing seven months.  She hadn't had a man in how long?  One year, two?  Two she decided, feeling faintly appalled.  She barely recognised herself these days, and not just because a car had smashed into the side of her face. 

"Hey," a voice said, snapping her out of her contemplation.  It was a small, sad voice, and sounded very far away.  She flicked open her eyes, blinking madly. 

"Oh, it's you again," she groaned, covering her eyes with her hand.  "What do you want?" 

There was no reply for a long moment, only the sounds of a chair being pulled being pulled up to the bed filling the room.  Then she felt her hand being enclosed between surprisingly soft fingers and she uncovered her eyes, looking over at Natalia warily.  Natalia wasn't looking at her.  She was looking down at their joined hands, blinking hard, seemingly trying not to cry.  "I-" Natalia choked before her voice broke and she was forced to cough to clear her throat.  "I came to talk to you about your recovery," she managed at last, still not meeting Olivia's eyes. 

"Did Rick tell you how long I have to stay in this hellhole?" Olivia muttered. 

"Till Tuesday," was Natalia's soft reply.  "You can come...I mean  _go_...home on Tuesday." 

"Right."  Her mind began to swim with all the alterations she'd have to make to her suite at The Beacon.  A lower bed for sure, an easy chair, a seat for the shower...  The very thought made her tired, and her eyes fluttered shut again.  "I need to hire an assistant..." she slurred softly, slipping towards sleep. 

Natalia squeezed  her fingers.  "Actually, you already have one," she said. 

That was enough to drag her back from the cliff of unconsciousness.  "I do?"  She opened her eyes.  "Who?" 

Natalia shrugged and smiled slightly self-deprecatingly.  "Well..." 

"You?"  Olivia's surprise could not have been more apparent. 

"Uhm...yeah," Natalia replied.  "Since October." 

Olivia took a moment to absorb that information.  "Right," she said at last.  "Okay." 

Natalia frowned.  "That's it, just...okay?" 

Olivia gave her a withering look.  "If you weren't competent I'd have fired you by now," she said simply. 

"Right...right.  Good point." 

Olivia went quiet again, closing her eyes.  "Em..." she murmured softly. 

"I've got her," Natalia reassured her instantly. 

"Not that damn boarding house," Olivia began, but Natalia interrupted. 

"No, no...I don't live there anymore."  She took a deep breath.  "I live at Cassie's farmhouse."  Another deep breath.  "With you." 

That woke Olivia up.  She snapped her eyes open and jerked her head towards Natalia who was, she suddenly realised, still holding her hand.  How could she have failed to notice that?  "What?" she demanded.  "I live where with who now?" 

Natalia shrugged with one shoulder.  "Em and I are really looking forward to having you home," she said, trying to smile. 

Olivia shook her head.  "This is April, right?  Is it April the first?" 

Natalia looked down at their joined hands.  "You've lived with me there since December," she said softly.  "I can explain everything tomorrow, okay?  I'll bring Emma.  She really wants to see you." 

"Oh, so you just drop a bomb on me like that and-" she cut herself off, pinching the bridge of her nose.  Her head felt like a hard boiled egg someone had dropped on the pavement a few times.  "You know what - fine," she said.  "Come back tomorrow, bring Em, just stop talking now, okay?  My brain's about to explode and decorate this hideous room a lovely shade of grey." 

"Sleep," Natalia said, worry making her voice shake.  "You're not even supposed to be awake yet - you need to rest." 

"Yeah," she replied, pulling her hand away from Natalia's at last and closing her eyes.  Images and thoughts swam before her eyes again, making her head spin.  It was like the unpleasant stage of being drunk, amplified by ten.  "You'll come back tomorrow, right?"  She hadn't known she was going to speak before the words came out, and she was vaguely appalled by the weak and needy tone in her voice.  She heard Natalia's soft intake of breath. 

"I'll be here," the other woman said quietly.  Olivia felt a hand in her hair suddenly, followed by the warm press of lips on her forehead.  "Goodnight," Natalia whispered, and something else, but Olivia didn't catch it.  She was sinking into sleep already as Natalia left, with the vague idea that something unutterably precious and important was dancing and fluttering in the back of her mind, just out of her reach. 

 

* * *

Natalia wasn't sure what brought her there - she couldn't remember one moment of the car ride, other than repeatedly wiping away tears so she could see the road.  But when she arrived she knew it was exactly where she needed to be. 

The church was unlocked, but empty.  She was glad of the solitude as she dipped her fingers into the holy water at the entrance and blessed herself.  Her eyes fixed on the cross as she walked up the aisle -  _second time in as many days_ , her mind pointed out.  She quashed the thought down as she genuflected and kneeled in the first pew. 

"Okay..." she breathed.  "This is a test, right?  This has to be a test."  Unsurprisingly, the heavens did not split or bathe her in miraculous light, nor did a bush start burning of its own accord.  No signs manifested themselves at all.  She had never felt so alone in a church before.  "What do you want from me?" she muttered.  "What have I done that's so awful that I deserve this?"  She buried her head in her hands.  "Whatever it is, just...punish me, okay?  But let her get better.  Please?  You can do whatever you want to me.  Just let Olivia be okay." 

She sat there in the cold and near-dark for a long time, alternately staring at the cross and her hands.  She might have sat there even longer if a sound from the back of the church hadn't woken her out of a sort of trance. 

"Natalia?"  Father Ray was frowning as he walked up the aisle to meet her.  She shifted over slightly, allowing him to slip in beside her.  "What's happened?" 

Natalia found herself fighting back tears again.  "Oh," she breathed, her voice trembling.  "I've just been thinking about my life over the last year or so," she said.  "You know, when I lived in Chicago everything was so simple.  I worked.  I looked after Rafe.  I went to church.  That was it.  But since I've moved here..."  She cleared her throat.  "I've lost my son, and got him back.  Made friends.  Made money, lost it, made it again.  Got married."  A tear trickled soundlessly down her cheek.  "Met the most maddening woman on Earth.  Fought with her.  Hurt her, got hurt.  Lost my husband and gave her his heart."  Her voice cracked.  "Gave her  _my_  heart..."  The last came out as a half-strangled wail as she turned into the priest's open arms and sobbed once, swallowing the rest of her tears painfully. 

"What's happened?" Father Ray asked again, holding her head to his chest securely. 

"Oh God..." she moaned.  "I've lost her..." 

"Oh..." the priest sighed, convinced by the heartbreak in her voice that Olivia had died.  "Did she...did she regain consciousness before..." 

Natalia sat up suddenly, wiping her eyes.    "She's not dead," she said.  "That's what's so selfish about all this." 

Father Ray frowned.  "Then what..." 

"She doesn't remember," Natalia said wearily.  "She doesn't remember...what we are to each other.  She doesn't even remember us being friends."  She buried her face in her hands.  "I don't know what I'm going to do..." she breathed. 

Father Ray sat in a silence for a few moments.  "Do you know St Teresa of Avila?" he said at last. 

Natalia shook her head tiredly.  "No, I don't think so," she said. 

Father Ray sat back in the pew.  "She's famous for her writing," he said.  "She wrote ' _Christ has no body now but yours.  No hands, no feet on Earth but yours.  Yours are the eyes through which he looks compassion on this world_ '.  I've always liked that." 

Natalia felt like her mind was wrapped in cotton wool.  "What are you trying to tell me, Father?" 

"That God is at work in the world," he said.  "Every moment of every day, whether you perceive him or not.  We are his instruments." 

Natalia frowned.  "I don't understand..." she whispered. 

Father Ray turned to her.  "Christ has no hands but yours," he said.  "It's up to you to do his will.  You must channel his love, and trust in his plan." 

Natalia looked down at her hands.  "Is this just a longer way of saying everything happens for a reason?" she asked. 

Father Ray smiled.  "You've talked to me about Olivia before," he said.  "You've said she's changed a lot since you first knew her.  Your friendship, your love...they changed her." 

Natalia hesitated for a moment, then nodded.  "Yes..." she agreed. 

He placed one of his hands over hers.  "It was because you  _acted_ ," he said.  "You need to act again.  Show her your friendship, your loyalty, your love.  The woman you know is still there.  You just need to entice her out." 

Natalia didn't speak for a long moment.  "I need to find her," she said at last.  "Is that what you're saying?  I can't just ask God to fix this for me.  I need to be active.  I need to fight for her." 

Father Ray smiled and patted her hand as he stood.  "I'll be locking up in a few minutes," he said.  "Okay?" 

"Okay..." 

Natalia sat in the pew a couple of minutes more, thoughts whirling through her head.  Then she stood and genuflected, her jaw tightening.  She knew what she had to do. 

If there was one thing Natalia Rivera knew it was how to fight for those she loved. 

 

* * *

The battle to retake the heart of Olivia Spencer would be waged on the ground floor, Natalia decided after returning from early Mass that Sunday.  The thought of negotiating Olivia up the farmhouse's narrow stairs made her feel weary.  Much easier to move all the things she'd need downstairs - especially when she had a couple of captive helpers on hand. 

"Raphael, my darling boy," she breezed as she served him and Emma their breakfasts.  "Have I mentioned lately how much I love you?" 

Rafe swallowed a mouthful of bacon and a swig of orange juice.  "Okay, what do you want?" 

"How do you know I want anything?" 

He rolled his eyes.  "Ma," he deadpanned.  "Come on." 

Natalia smiled warmly.  "Okay, okay," she admitted.  "I need you to help me move a little furniture.  Olivia's bed needs to be in the living room for the next few months while she recovers." 

Emma frowned.  "Why?" 

Natalia turned to her and smoothed her hair back.  "Mommy's hurt her leg, baby," she said gently.  "So she won't be able to climb the stairs for a little while." 

"Can I help?"  She looked up at her with bright, hopeful eyes. 

"You know," Rafe said, grabbing another piece of toast from a plate in the middle of the table.  "I think your mom's bed might be a little bit heavy for you, but maybe you could help us pick out some of her favourite books or something.  It's pretty boring when you just get out of hospital.  I should know." 

Emma nodded eagerly, and so by ten o'clock the three of them were in Olivia's bedroom.  Rafe, with the aid of a couple of screwdrivers and a bit of light swearing - which Natalia magnanimously chose to ignore - managed to get Olivia's bedframe dismantled in record time while Natalia and Emma pored over her bookcase.  Emma decided on three books in the end - A Stephen King, a John Grisham and a Patricia Cornwell.  Natalia made a mental note to loan Olivia some better books, but smiled at Emma and accepted her choices without protest. 

Rearranging the furniture in the living room was exhausting work, and by the time they were done Natalia had worn down the meagre amount of energy she'd recovered after the previous night's restless sleep.  Olivia's bed absolutely dominated the room.  They'd had to move nearly every other piece of furniture out to make room for it, but they'd kept the TV, a chair and the sofa.  The latter was pushed up against the side wall, parallel to the bed.  Natalia figured she might need to be available in the night when Olivia got home, and had resigned herself to sleeping on the couch for the foreseeable future.  At least it was a comfortable couch, although she doubted she'd be saying that after a week or so of sleeping on it. 

Emma was taking advantage of Natalia's brief lapse in concentration by jumping on the bed, giggling as Rafe tackled her and began to tickle her mercilessly.  For a moment Natalia let herself smile, trying to pretend just for a second or two that everything was normal. 

"Okay Em," she said at last.  "Go and get your stuff.  We're going out." 

Emma turned a two hundred watt smile onto her.  "Are we going to see mommy?"  Natalia nodded.  "Yay!" Emma squealed, dashing past her to collect her things from her room.  Rafe watched her go, then turned to his mother in time for him to see her mask briefly slip. The quiet despair in her eyes made him deeply uncomfortable.  His mother was the strongest person he knew.  Things had to pretty bad for her to look like that. 

"You okay ma?" he asked gently, slipping his arm around her shoulder.  She tensed under his touch. 

"No," she conceded.  "Not really."  She closed her eyes for a long moment, then smiled tightly at him.  "Well, you get your coat too," she said, a little too brightly.  "We'll be late for visiting." 

 

* * *

It was amazing, Natalia reflected as Emma disengaged herself from her hand and ran towards her mother - despite everything that was going on, despite the troubles and the heartache and the loss, the sight of Olivia still made her heart flutter.  There was just something about the other woman that called out to her.  She hadn't felt right since she'd left the hospital the day before - now she was back and something deep inside her had settled into its proper place again. 

"Hey Jellybean,"  Olivia said, her face breaking into a wide smile.  Then she spotted Rafe and a look of deep surprise flashed across her features.  "You got off?" she asked, a little incredulously. 

Rafe was confused for a second, until he realised that Olivia obviously didn't remember him being sentenced.  "Uh no," he explained.  "I went to jail and I just got out again." 

Emma swatted her mother's shoulder lightly.  "You know that mommy!" she admonished.  Olivia's eyes met Natalia's over the girl's head. 

_You didn't tell her?_  Olivia's eyebrows seemed to say. 

Natalia just shrugged a little helplessly.  Olivia rolled her eyes. 

"You're right," she said to Emma.  "Mommy's just a little confused right now." 

Emma reached up and touched the incision they'd made when trying to relieve the pressure in her skull straight after the accident.  "You hit your head," she said softly. 

Olivia nodded.  "Yeah," she said.  "And there are few things in there that are a little jumbled up right now, but you know what?"  She tilted Emma's chin up.  "I'm gonna be just fine." 

Emma smiled.  "I know," she said confidently.  "Mama said so." 

Olivia's eyebrows shot into her hairline.  "Mama?" she asked, staring at Natalia. 

"Oh," Emma said.  "I forgot.  You were asleep, but Natalia said it was all right..."  She trailed off, her eyes flicking between Olivia and Natalia who were staring at each other. 

"Emma, sweetie," Natalia said at last.  "Could you maybe go to the machine and get me a soda?"  She fished some change from her pockets. 

Olivia continued glaring daggers at her until her daughter was out of earshot, then rounded on her.  "She calls you mama?" she almost shouted.  "What the hell?" 

"Sssh, don't get overexcited," Natalia murmured, trying to soothe her. 

"I'll get as excited as I want.  What the hell do you think you're doing?" 

Natalia pulled up a chair and sat by the bed.  Rafe hovered behind her protectively.  He hadn't seen this Olivia in a long time, and hadn't missed her. 

"Look," Natalia said.  "You don't remember the accident, but she does, okay?  She was distraught.  She thought you were gonna die, so yeah, when she asked if she could call me that I said yes.  What was I supposed to do?" 

Olivia ground her teeth but said nothing. 

Natalia scraped her hands through her hair.  "This is the deal," she said.  "You and I live together with Emma.  She sees me as a parent, and I love her like she's my own child.  You must know that."  She searched Olivia's eyes for a long moment before finally seeing something that seemed to satisfy her.  "So you'll be mommy and I'll be mama, all right?  For her sake." 

Olivia sucked in her cheeks and seemed to be trying hard not to say the first thing that crossed her mind, which Natalia was sure would not have been kind.  "Fine," she conceded at last.  "But she's my kid.  Just remember that." 

Natalia tried not to let the hurt show in her eyes but she must have because Olivia suddenly looked troubled.  "Hey," she said, reaching out to Natalia automatically.  Natalia twined their fingers together and squeezed.  "Don't give me that look," Olivia continued.  "I don't remember seeing it before, but I know I don't like it."  Her eyes travelled down to their linked hands and she frowned deeply, as if she were trying to work out a complicated anagram in her head.  "Natalia-" she began questioningly, but the rest of her sentence was interrupted. 

"How touching." 

Natalia's head snapped round.  Frank was standing in the doorway, a look of barely disguised disgust written all over his face.  She squeezed Olivia's hand tighter instinctively.  "Frank," she breathed.  "What are you doing here?" 

He stared at her, a mix of hurt, anger and a tiny bit of sorrow warring on his features.  "Don't worry," he said.  "I'm not here about that."  He nodded his head towards their joined hands.  Olivia's frown deepened. 

"Th-then why are y-" 

Frank held up his hand to stop her, and then looked at Rafe. 

"I'm here for him." 

 

* * *

For a long moment no-one spoke.  Olivia, Rafe and Natalia stared at Frank, who was unable to meet any of their eyes.  "I don't understand," Natalia said at last.  "I'm supposed to have him with me for a week. I mean, th-that's what you said-" 

"Circumstances have changed," Frank cut her off sharply. 

Olivia felt her heart clench a little as tears sprung to Natalia's eyes, though she didn't know why.  "Th-this is because of what happened yesterday, isn't it?" Natalia said.  "Oh, Frank..." 

"What happened yesterday?"  Olivia asked, looking from Natalia to Frank and back again.  Natalia glanced at her, wiping her eyes. 

"Nothing," she lied, then turned to Frank.  "We'll talk outside." She managed a smile for Emma who had just returned with her soda.  "Hey sweetie, can you keep your mom company for a little while?  Rafe and I need to talk to uncle Frank for a minute." 

Emma smiled brightly.  "Okay mama," she said, and Frank reeled as though he'd been slapped.  Natalia recognised the look in his eyes and quickly led him from the room before he could say anything. 

"What's going on?" she demanded as soon as she had him in the corridor.  "Why does Rafe suddenly have to go away?" 

The door stood slightly ajar, and Frank was still looking at Emma through it.  "One big happy family, aren't you?" he muttered, ignoring her question.  "Just like we were supposed to be..." 

Natalia paled. "Frank," she said, her voice hardening with mingled anger and fear.  "What is this?" 

He turned back to her slowly.  "I have orders to take your son to begin his parole at the halfway house," he said blandly. 

"What?  Why?  I'm supposed to go next week!"  Rafe put his hand on his mother's back to steady her.  She looked like she might be about to topple over. 

"The conditions of your parole allowed you to delay your entrance to the halfway house because you were supposed to be attending an important family event," Frank said, speaking to Rafe but looking at Natalia.  "Since that event's apparently not going to be happening..."  He shrugged. 

Rafe linked his hands behind his head and bit his lip.  "Well, Olivia's just been in this big accident," he said.  "I mean, she's in the hospital and everything, and my mom needs help to take care of her.  Doesn't that count for anything?" 

Frank's expression shuttered closed and his voice was cold.  "The parole board make exceptions for family - Olivia's not family." 

"The hell she isn't!" Rafe shouted. 

Natalia knew he was saying it for her, because of her feelings for Olivia more than his, and she loved him for it.  She turned to see that both Emma and Olivia were staring at them through the crack in the door so she closed it over gently, pride and love for her son coursing through her along with a surge of adrenaline. 

"This is because I didn't marry you," she said angrily, rounding on Frank.  "How did the parole board even know about that, Frank?  How exactly did they get to hear about it?" 

Frank didn't answer, but a muscle in his jaw clenched.  An expression of horror and betrayal dawned on Rafe's face.  "Son of a bitch," he muttered.  "You  _told_  them?" 

Frank looked away, and had the grace to look a little ashamed of himself.  "It's my job," he said. 

"Bullshit!" 

Ordinarily Natalia would have scolded her son for his language, but this was a lot tamer than what was on the tip of her tongue so she ignored it.  She searched Frank's face for a long moment, looking for traces of the man that only yesterday she had thought good and honourable.  "I...I just don't understand this, Frank," she said bleakly.  "I never meant to hurt you.  My...feelings for her were never about you.  Through all of this I've just been trying so, so hard to do the right thing for everybody.  I know I've made mistakes.  Big ones."  The biggest of which was standing in front of her right now.  "But I didn't set out to hurt anyone.  You have." 

Her words settled into the air between them and seemed to stick there, thickening the atmosphere, becoming solid.  They would never be friends again, Natalia realised.  There was a barrier between them now that hadn't existed before.  She knew she was partly to blame, and she was as sorry as she could be for that.  Frank had been good to her in the past, certainly.  That was something she couldn't and wouldn't deny.  But too much had happened between them now, both her betrayal and his, for anything good to exist between them again. 

"When does he have to go?" she said tonelessly. 

"Now." 

Rafe couldn't look at Frank any longer, a disgusted grunt escaping his lips as he turned to his mother.  "Don't let him see you cry," he whispered, taking her into his arms and squeezing her tightly. 

"I won't," she assured him, squeezing back even more tightly. 

Rafe turned a disdainful look on Frank.  "Can I say goodbye to Olivia and Emma, or are you about to get out the handcuffs?" 

Frank looked at the floor.  "Go on," he said. 

Natalia followed her son back into the room and watched him crouch down so he was eye level with Emma.  "So," he said.  "You still cool with writing me a few letters?" 

Emma nodded solemnly.  "Will you be away long?" she asked.  It was obvious she'd heard at least some of their conversation in the hallway as she didn't seem at all surprised that Rafe was leaving.  Just upset. 

"I don't know," Rafe admitted.  "I hope not.  I'll be back in your hair before you even miss me." 

Emma shook her head and flung her arms round his neck.  "No you won't," she insisted. 

Rafe hugged her back and looked up at Olivia, who was watching them with a tiny frown and a pensive expression on her face.  "You be a good patient, okay?" he said.  "I don't want to hear you've been driving my mom crazy."  He smirked.  "That's my job." 

"Okay," she replied, in a tone of voice that suggested she felt like she was at least five steps behind in the conversation.  That extended to ten steps as Rafe stood, leaned over and kissed her cheek. 

"Be good to my mom," he murmured quietly into her ear.  She looked slightly shell-shocked as he pulled back and he pasted a smirk onto his face.  "Or else.  You don't want to get on my bad side.  I'm a hardened criminal you know." 

Olivia barked out a laugh which effectively cut the tension in the room. "Apparently so," she replied. 

Rafe flashed one last smile at her and Emma before taking his mother into his arms again for a bruising hug.  "I'll see you soon," he promised.  "You'll visit, right?" 

"You try and stop me," Natalia replied instantly, her voice tight with the effort of not giving in to tears. 

Frank shuffled his feet.  "Time to go," he said as Rafe pulled back from the embrace and kissed his mother's forehead. 

"God, what is the deal with you, man?" Rafe said, his face twisting into a grimace. 

"Sssh," Natalia soothed, taking his hand.  "I'll go with you to the car." 

The walk to Frank's car was over all too briefly and suddenly it was time for the final goodbye.  There were more hugs and kisses, but no tears - Natalia was determined not to cry in front of Frank.  "I love you," she whispered to her son as he slid into the back seat of Frank's car. 

"Love you too, ma," he replied.  Frank closed the door over with a thud. 

Natalia's eyes glittered with anger and unshed tears.  "Was it worth it?" she demanded, stopping Frank from heading towards the driver's door with a hand on his arm.  "Did ripping my family to bits make you feel better?" 

Frank couldn't look at her.  "No," he admitted softly.  He'd thought it would, had thought that taking the little bit of revenge he had within his power would make his heart ache a little less.  But there was no triumph in this; only emptiness.  "I'm sorry." 

Natalia took a deep steadying breath.  "One day," she said in a determined voice, "I'll be able to forgive you for this.  I can  _choose_  to forgive you.  But I'll never trust you again.  And I don't want to see your face for a very long time."  With that she let go of his arm and turned her back on him. 

 

* * *

Olivia wasn't sure what had just happened.  A slightly awkward visit had unravelled into something much more profound with Frank's arrival and she wasn't quite sure why.  One moment she'd been about to ask Natalia about the missing seven months - the next Rafe was passionately defending her in the hallway before being led away for who knew how long.  It was a little much to take in, especially considering that her brain still felt like Swiss cheese. 

Rafe had kissed her goodbye.  How absolutely bizarre.  She remembered their relationship as guarded at best - was it really possible that a mere seven months could change that so much that the boy would stand in a hospital corridor and loudly proclaim that they were family?  It scarcely seemed possible and yet...and yet... 

"Hey."  Natalia slipped back into the room, her dark, expressive eyes downcast and sad. 

"Hey," Olivia breathed.  "Did, uh...did Rafe get off okay?" 

Natalia sat down in the hard plastic chair by the bed and nodded tightly.  Silence filled the room for a long moment, and not a comfortable one.  Olivia wasn't quite sure where to look or what to say.  What could she possibly say to make this more bearable for Natalia?  Whatever she tried to do it was sure to be the wrong thing - that was what usually happened anyway. 

Emma pressed herself against Natalia's side.  "I brought you your soda," she said in a small voice.  That was all it took.  Natalia's shoulders began to shake and her face crumpled. 

Olivia looked up towards heaven.  Why did there have to be tears?  She was terrible with tears.  Emma looked at her expectantly.  What did she want her to do?  The girl was making significant and extremely unsubtle motions with her eyes.  Olivia just shook her head helplessly. 

_Hug her_ , Emma mouthed silently.   _You need to hug her_. 

Olivia's eyes widened.  She looked at Natalia who was sobbing silently into her hands and suddenly an image flashed before her eyes...Natalia crying, her head on shoulder and arms round her waist.  A hand - her hand - stroking through dark hair, and enjoying the softness of it way too much for the situation.  She frowned, the thought - or was it a memory? - momentarily paralysing her. 

"Come here," she said at last, holding her good arm out to Natalia.  The other woman looked at her, eyes filled with a longing so overwhelming that Olivia didn't quite know what to make of it.  But she didn't question the offer as Olivia had thought she might.  Instead she moved forward in a rush, sliding one arm around Olivia's middle as she rested her head on her shoulder.  Olivia's hand came naturally to rest at the back of her neck, her chin nestling in soft dark hair.  She closed her eyes.  This felt...good, she realised.  It felt familiar. 

What the hell did that mean? 

 

* * *

"I still don't see why I can't stay at The Beacon," Olivia said, watching the town pass by at a sedate twenty-five miles per hour through the passenger window of Natalia's car. 

"I need your rent money," Natalia quipped. 

Olivia rolled her eyes in response.  "Seriously, it would be easier wouldn't it?  I'd have room service and a hotel full of terrified staff to do my bidding." 

Natalia smiled wryly.  "Terrified is right," she muttered. 

"What?" 

"Nothing."  Natalia glanced over at Olivia and smiled.  "Doctor Rick said you'll be more likely to get your memories back if you're in familiar surroundings.  The farmhouse has been your home for months."  Olivia pulled a face and muttered something under her breath that sounded suspiciously like ' _Doctor Rick talks out of his ass_ '.  Natalia feigned deafness.  "Besides," she said, "this way I'm on hand to look after you." 

Olivia began to scratch at the edge of her arm cast, trying to get her fingers underneath it.  "I don't need you to look after me - I can hire a nurse." 

"Yeah, 'cause  _that's_  a good use of money," Natalia snorted, and swatted at Olivia's hand.  "Stop that." 

Olivia stared at her.  "Are you going to be like this the whole time these casts are on?" 

Natalia's face was the picture of innocence.  "Like what?" 

"Like a mother hen," Olivia explained, as if she were talking to a two year old. 

_The last thing I want to be is your mother_ , Natalia's mind piped up, causing a smirk to leap to her lips.  Olivia turned away to look out of the window again. 

Actually getting Olivia into the farmhouse was something of an ordeal.  She couldn't put any weight at all on her left leg, and the casts made her heavy and awkward.  None of that stopped her from trying to shoo away Natalia's attempts to help, but the younger woman would not be dissuaded. 

"Home sweet home," Natalia breezed as she finally wheeled Olivia into the living room. 

Emma and Natalia had spent the previous night making a few welcome home decorations - a banner here, a few streamers there, plus a chocolate cake for good measure.  Olivia's sharp eyes took in everything in one glance.  "Very...homey," she said  neutrally.  Her eyes strayed to the cross on the far wall. 

"Emma made you a card," Natalia said, striding over to the table by Olivia's bed to fetch it and hand it to her.  It was made of pink card, and had a drawing of Olivia, Natalia and Emma on the front, holding hands in front of a house.  There were some cows and a few ducks off to the side. 

"Oh," Olivia breathed, running her fingers softly over the picture. 

Natalia watched her carefully.  "Emma loves living here," she said.  "You know, the animals, and the fresh air and the space." 

Olivia looked up at her, pursing her lips.  "You don't play fair," she replied, but with no real venom in her voice.  Natalia smiled. 

"Never claimed to," she said as she manoeuvred Olivia over to the chair and helped her into it.  "Okay, so I got you sweatpants and t-shirts and some zip up hoodies for when you get cold.  Emma picked out some books for you in case you get bored, and there's always the TV.  You've got orange juice and cranberry juice by the bed, and I've got tons of bottled water.  Is there anything else you think you might need?" 

Olivia looked up at Natalia, amused.  "Chocolate?" she suggested hopefully. 

Natalia shook her head.  "It's not good for calcium absorption." 

Olivia's jaw dropped open.  "You  _are_  a mother hen," she grumbled. 

Natalia rolled her eyes.  "I'm going to pick up Emma from Jodie's house," she said.  Knowing that she needed to get Olivia settled into the farmhouse Natalia had arranged for Emma to go to her friend's house after school.  "Here's the TV remote - sit tight till I get back." 

Olivia looked down at the cast on her leg after Natalia had left.  "Not exactly going anywhere," she muttered, and turned on the TV. 

 

* * *

When Natalia and Emma returned to the farmhouse they found Olivia fast asleep on the chair, a soap opera droning away in the background.  Natalia put a finger to her lips to hush Emma as she shooed her upstairs to change out of her school clothes. 

As soon as the little girl was upstairs Natalia took the opportunity to simply look at Olivia without trying to stop anything from creeping into her expression.  The last few days had been a kind of slow torture for her.  She hadn't realised just how much feeling Olivia gave away in ordinary conversation and casual eye contact until it suddenly wasn't there anymore.  Before her declaration in the gazebo - God, was it only four days ago? - she had been trying so hard not to acknowledge how Olivia was feeling that she'd ignored the long looks, the slight lowering of the voice, the way her body angled itself towards her whenever they were in the same room.  How she longed for some of those signals again now. 

The swelling and bruising from where Olivia's face had hit the road was subsiding nicely, tinges of yellow beginning to appear in the black of the bruises.  At that precise moment her hair was covering most of it, her head lolling loosely on her shoulder.  Natalia's fingers tingled with the desire to touch her, to slide through her hair possessively, cup the back of her head and wake her with a kiss just like in a fairy tale.  She actually began to reach out before she stopped herself, curling her open palm into a tight fist. 

"Stupid, stupid, stupid," she chastised herself in a whisper, turning and fleeing into the kitchen to start dinner.  A few minutes later she heard voices in the other room.  Obviously Emma had woken her mother.  A warm, sleepy laugh floated to her ears, washing over her and shuddering down her spine.  "Dear God," she whispered, squeezing her eyes tight shut.  "Give me strength.  And if you could stop her being so ridiculously sexy for five minutes I'd really appreciate it." 

She lost herself for a contented half hour preparing a simple meal for the three of them - salmon for her and Olivia, cod for Emma, with new potatoes, broccoli and carrots.  Every item on the menu had come from a list of foods Rick had suggested to promote healthy bone growth.  She also vaguely remembered that fish was good for the brain and, well, she'd try anything at this stage. 

"I hate broccoli," Olivia groaned when Natalia wheeled her over to the table. 

"It's good for you," Natalia insisted, pouring her some grape juice.  Olivia made a clucking noise, causing Emma to giggle.  Natalia bit the inside of her cheek to keep from laughing. 

She sat down at her own place and instinctively reached for the other diner's hands.  Emma's hand found hers instantly.  Olivia's didn't. 

Emma peered at her mother.  "We have to say grace, mommy," she said, pulling her arm up and slipping her hand into her mother's.  She smiled up at Natalia and began to recite.  "Bless us oh Lord as we sit together, bless the food we eat today, bless the hands that made the food, bless us oh Lord, amen."  She dropped the adults' hands, oblivious to the look of shock and anger Olivia was directing at Natalia over her head. 

"Emma, sweetie," she said tightly.  "Could you go and get me my black cardigan, you know, the one with the silver buttons?  I'm a little bit cold." 

As soon as the girl was out of earshot she rounded on Natalia.  "What the fuck was that?" she spat viciously. 

Natalia reeled back a little, shocked at the venom in Olivia's voice.  She hadn't heard that for a very long time.  "What?" 

"That!"  Olivia exclaimed.  "That little holding hands and praying thing." 

Natalia frowned, shaking her head helplessly.  "Uh, grace before meals?" 

Olivia's face reddened.  "And how long exactly have you been indoctrinating my daughter into your medieval religion?" she demanded. 

Natalia felt a surge of anger rise in her throat.  " _Indoctrinating_!" 

"Well what do you call it?" Olivia replied instantly, the words falling from her lips like bullets. 

"I call it saying a really simple prayer just like we do every day we eat dinner together!"  Natalia answered, breathing hard.  She hadn't felt so angry at Olivia in what felt like forever.  But still, it was a familiar sensation.  Her face was hot, her muscles were clenched as if for a fight, she was breathing heavily... 

...and oh God, she wanted to kiss Olivia so bad her blood was screaming out for it. 

Her hand flew to her mouth as a sudden image flashed before her eyes - straddling Olivia's hips as she pinned her wrists to the bed...a low moan escaping the other woman's parted lips as she ground her hips down, pushing her hard into the mattress...a rush of heat as she explored that luscious, intoxicating mouth... 

A wave of liquid fire thundered through her veins, and she knew her desire must be written all over her face.  Olivia was looking right into her eyes - she had to see it.  The woman was much too perceptive to miss this.  Dear God, was this why they had always fought so much?  How long had the seeds of  _this_  been germinating in their subconscious minds?  How long had unacknowledged passion been forcing them to keep pushing each other closer and closer to the edge? 

"Are you two fighting?" 

Emma's small, sad voice distracted them, breaking their eye contact.  The girl was holding her mom's cardigan in slightly trembling hands. 

"Of course not sweetie," Olivia lied smoothly, taking the cardigan and clumsily slipping it round her shoulders. 

Natalia managed a smile for Emma before she looked down at her plate and began picking at her meal.  They ate in silence. 

 

* * *

Olivia made a conscious decision not to think about what she had seen in Natalia's face for the rest of the evening.  Surely she'd been wrong.  It hardly seemed possible...and yet, she'd seen the darkening of lust in enough men's eyes to know what it looked like.  Maybe it looked different on a woman's face.  It must.  This was Natalia, for crying out loud.  Pure, innocent, practically virginal, terminally Catholic Natalia.   _My brain is even more screwed up than I thought,_  she decided, locking away the image of Natalia's face flushed with heat in a dark corner of her mind. 

They managed to co-exist without further yelling for the rest of the night, but they accomplished that by not talking to each other.  After dinner Olivia helped Emma with her homework while Natalia did the dishes.  Then Natalia put Emma to bed while Olivia watched TV listlessly.  Enough was enough.  She needed to get back on speaking terms with Natalia before the next trip to the bathroom, she mused.  That first trip had been pretty awkward. 

She glanced up as Natalia slowly made her way downstairs.  Her body was tense, Olivia realised as she watched her.  She couldn't read the emotion on her face. 

"Don't you dare ever do that again," Natalia hissed. 

Oh.  Anger, then.  Well, anger she could deal with. 

"Do what?" 

"Speak to me like that where Emma might hear you," Natalia continued, speaking in a maddeningly calm and measured voice.  Olivia rolled her eyes. 

"Oh okay...so, what, I'm just supposed to accept my daughter being lured into your little Catholic cult?" 

Natalia crossed her arms across her chest.  "You could try trusting your own judgement," she said simply. 

Olivia had had a retort all lined up, but that reply took a little of the wind out of her sails.  "What?" 

Natalia walked slowly across the room so that she was standing by Olivia's chair. 

"You've been living here for four months," she began.  "And surely even you could see how used to saying grace Emma is.  You don't actually think we'd be doing that if you weren't okay with it, do you?" 

Olivia paused, a response dying on her lips.  She couldn't deny the logic of it...although she would have liked to.  Her eyes strayed again to the cross on the wall, the Our Lady statue on the mantle, the rosary beads on the shelf.  The idea that she had allowed Emma to be brought up in a house so full of religious iconography was difficult enough to stomach.  But praying as well?  She had been so careful to raise her daughter without any hint of religious input.  After all, her one and only rule for parenting had always been to be as different from her own mother as she could possibly manage. 

A memory swam to the front of her mind...her mother ranting and screaming at her in incandescent fury, telling her what an evil sinner she was, condemning both her and the unborn - and deeply, deeply unwanted - child in her womb to the depths of hell.  " _The wages of sin is death!_ " she'd shouted, practically spitting in her traumatised daughter's face.  Olivia considered it the deepest of all ironies that the vile woman had dropped dead herself almost immediately afterwards. 

She closed her eyes.  All the memories she'd lost and that one had to stay there, clear as a bell.  Typical. 

"Are you okay?"  Natalia's gentle voice intruded into the memory and she grabbed onto the sound gratefully, using it to pull herself back to the present. 

"I'm not comfortable with all this," she said, gesturing to the religious paraphernalia around the room, but the sharpness had gone from her voice. 

Natalia didn't respond for a long moment.  "Okay," she said at last.  "I'll move some of it into my bedroom." 

Olivia managed a brief smile.  "Thanks," she said.  She paused, looking at her hands as she tried to find the words for what she needed to say next.  "Look...I'm sorry about before.  I handled it badly." 

Natalia raised one eyebrow.  Olivia sounded almost...shy.  "Okay.  Apology accepted," she said. 

Olivia flashed a grateful smile up at her which made her heart do a tiny little jump.  "Bedtime," Natalia murmured, hoping her feelings hadn't shown in her eyes.  She'd given enough away for one day. 

 

* * *

Natalia woke from a thick sleep sometime in the early hours of the morning.  For a few moments she wasn't sure what had woken her, and she nearly fell asleep again.  Her body curled round the pillow she'd fallen asleep holding as she rolled over, her eyes fluttering closed. 

She had decided at the last moment that she wouldn't sleep on the couch that night.  Their conversation had cleared the air somewhat, but getting Olivia ready for bed had thickened the atmosphere yet again.  Natalia was sure Olivia must have guessed some of her feelings at dinner, and she'd seemed uncomfortable as Natalia had carefully taken off her T-shirt and dressed her in loose fitting flannel pyjamas.  Natalia remembered the smooth skin and soft curves that had been revealed to her hungry eyes and thirsty fingers as she undressed her.  Had Olivia sensed her desire?  She squeezed her eyes shut tight, trying not to think about that possibility.  Olivia was in no frame of mind to deal with all of that right now.  She was barely able to accept that they'd been friends - surely she would never believe that they'd come so close to being so much more. 

She turned over again, trying to settle and get comfortable.  Then she heard it.  A tiny whimper, so quiet that she wouldn't have caught it at all if she hadn't left her bedroom door slightly open that night.  She listened hard and it came again, louder this time.  "Olivia," she murmured, slipping out of bed immediately and finding her robe by touch alone. 

The lamp by Olivia's bed was switched on.  The woman herself was lying down with her leg elevated by a small tower of pillows and she was very pale, her face tight, her jaw clenching, beads of sweat forming at her temples.  Her lips opened in a plaintive groan as Natalia approached, her hand reaching automatically to smooth over Olivia's brow.  The other woman's eyes snapped open at her touch and Natalia realised that she'd been so lost in her own little world of pain that she hadn't even heard her approach. 

"Hurts," Olivia ground out. 

Natalia's fingers stroked rhythmically across her forehead and into her hair.  "What can I do?" she asked gently. 

Olivia's eyes squeezed shut.  "Pills," she said.  "I tried to take some but I dropped them.  Couldn't pick them up." 

Natalia looked down and saw Olivia's vicodin prescription strewn across the floor.  She broke her contact with the other woman momentarily to scoop them all up and slip them back into the bottle.  Then she slid an arm round Olivia's shoulders and made her sit up. 

"All right," she whispered as Olivia greedily swallowed the pills and a generous gulp of water.  "Sssh, sssh.  Everything's all right.  I'm here, everything's fine." 

Olivia leaned against her almost without thinking about it; her body angling towards Natalia's on some kind of instinct.  "Mmmm," she mumbled incoherently as Natalia retrieved the glass and sat it on the bedside table.  She cupped Olivia's cheek tenderly with one hand, gently lowering her back onto the bed. 

Olivia wrapped her hand round Natalia's forearm as she made to pull back, stopping her retreat.  "Don't leave me," she mumbled. 

"I'm just going to the sofa," she assured her, trying again to pull away.  Olivia just shook her head and tightened her hold. 

"Stay," she said. 

Natalia hesitated, thinking again of dinner and bedtime and all the words simmering inside her that she was trying so hard not to say.  But in the end she knew she could never say no to that voice and she relented, melting against Olivia who wrapped her good arm round her, her hand clawing at her back as she sought to pull her as close as possible. 

It wasn't the most comfortable hug she'd ever experienced.  The angle was all wrong and her back began to ache after just a few moments.  But that didn't matter.  Olivia needed her and Natalia knew she'd be happy to stay there all night long if she had to. 

She'd be happy to stay there forever.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have quoted a little from the Bible (psalm 25) in the beginning, and from Margery Williams' _The Velveteen Rabbit_ at the end.

Frank Cooper had made a lot of screw ups in his life but, he decided, what he'd done to Natalia was probably the worst.  He'd felt so justified at the time.  After all, Natalia had been stringing him along, using him for months to hide from her own feelings.  But that was nothing new for Frank; in fact, it seemed to be his lot in life.  He projected this image of goodness and decency and safety, and women had this way of seeing him as this non threatening brotherly figure.  Natalia obviously had.  She'd gone to him precisely because of her _lack_ of passion for him.  He remembered the time they'd made love.  How could he not have noticed the signs?  She had been so rigid and unresponsive to his touch, lying beneath him and staring at the ceiling as if trying to pretend she wasn't there.  He thought he might even have hurt her a little as he pressed on, despite her palpable lack of excitement.  And afterwards...the look on her face.  Like something in her had curled up and died.  And he'd been oblivious.  He'd told himself it was all about her religion - everyone knew Catholic girls were sexually repressed, right?  He'd been looking forward to spending a few years teasing some passion out of her. 

From the way she looked at Olivia, Frank understood that she really didn't need any help with that. 

Sighing, he took a long swig of his beer.  He'd necked three bottles already and it was only lunchtime.  Obviously he wasn't going back to work that day.  But that was fine.  He'd hardly been able to stand being in the station over the last week.  Everything about his job reminded him of how he'd used his petty power against Natalia, striking out in his pain and anger to hurt a woman he had claimed to love.  But how could he have loved her when he'd never really known her?  He'd wanted to take care of her, but she wasn't a child.  She'd been looking after herself since she was a teenager.  She was strong, independent.  Olivia had seen that from the start; he remembered her trying to tell him as much one day at Company.  He hadn't listened.  Olivia had said Natalia needed to be challenged...well, she had been, but not by him.  The things he'd wanted to give her - security, safety, protection - were not what she needed.  Olivia had given her what she needed.  She always had.  So how could he be surprised when, standing at an altar and faced with a choice between him and her, Natalia had chosen her? 

Frank knew first hand just how attractive Olivia was, but he could see it wasn't all about that.  There was more to Olivia than her looks, devastating though they were.  Hell, he'd thought he loved her once, until she'd smashed his heart into a million pieces.  But what he'd said to Natalia at the hospital wasn't true.  Olivia _had_ changed.  Anyone could see it.  She was a actually good person, and no-one had been more surprised to discover that than Olivia herself. 

"Hey." 

Frank glanced over to see his father sliding into the stool beside him.  He nodded at the bartender to order another beer for him and inclined his own bottle slightly towards Buzz when it was placed in front of him.  "Hey," he replied.  They sat drinking together for a silent few minutes. 

"So," Buzz said at last.  "It's been a hell of a week, huh?" 

"Yup." 

Buzz watched his son steadily and took a deep breath.  "You know, I've made plenty of mistakes in my time," he said quietly.  "And sometimes I thought there was no way to make it right.  But you know, what's important is to try." 

Frank shook his head.  "I really hurt her, pop," he said bleakly. 

"And she hurt you," Buzz replied.  "There's a lot of bad between you, and maybe nothing you can do will ever put things exactly right, but that doesn't mean you get to do nothing.  You've gotta try, Frank." 

A pensive expression stole across Frank's face just as Buzz's cellphone began to ring.  "Hello?" he said, then frowned.  "Hey," he said.  "How are you feeling?"  A low chuckle rumbled deep in his throat.  "Is that so?  Well maybe I can help you with that...uh huh...onions...okay...I won't be long."  He flipped the phone closed and turned back to his son.  "That was Olivia," he said.  "I'm going to go out to the farmhouse and visit for a little while.  Why don't you come with me?  Maybe it'll give you a chance to talk to Natalia?" 

Frank shook his head sadly.  "I can't see her right now pop," he said.  "She's not going to want to listen to anything I have to say, not now." 

Buzz shrugged.  "Okay...well, just think about what I said, okay?" 

Frank nodded.  "I will," he said, and meant it.  If there was one thing that was crystal clear it was that he had a _lot_ of thinking to do. 

* * *

In normal circumstances Buzz would have been flattered to have a woman so delighted to see him, but he figured it was actually the burger he'd brought with him that Olivia was really excited about.  She'd fallen on it the moment he placed it in her hands, chewing with almost orgasmic delight, her eyes fluttering closed in pleasure. 

"Oh Jesus tapdancing Christ, this is so good," she murmured around another mouthful.  "Why have I never had onions on my burgers before?  The onions are freakin' key."  Buzz smirked. 

"Are you sure you should be blaspheming in this house?" he quipped.  Olivia rolled her eyes. 

"Don't start," she muttered darkly. 

Buzz held up his hands.  "Okay, okay," he said, laughing.  "I take it the burger meets with your approval?" 

Olivia nodded.  "You have no idea how much I need this," she said, biting off another huge mouthful. 

"Natalia's not feeding you properly?" 

Olivia swallowed hard.  "Oh, she's feeding me _very_ properly," she said.  "Fish, and steamed vegetables, and low fat milk, and calcium supplements.  I swear, if I could walk I'd be out there right now murdering one of the cows."  She licked some grease off her fingers as she continued.  " _Red meat increases calcium loss,_ " she whined, making a game attempt at imitating Natalia's voice.  " _Salt robs your bone density_." 

Buzz chuckled.  "Well, you know Natalia, she's-" 

"I know, I know," Olivia interrupted testily.  "She's practically perfect in every way!" 

Buzz smiled.  "I was going to say she's always taken care you." 

There was a pause, and then a slow smile spread across Olivia's face.  "Yeah," she said softly.  "I'm starting to see that."  They lapsed into silence for a few moments before Olivia looked around and took a deep breath.  "Can you believe I actually live here?" she asked, a hint of wonder edging into her voice. 

Buzz tilted his head and raised his eyebrows in acknowledgement of the unlikeliness of the situation.  "Yeah, I remember thinking it would last ten minutes at best when you first moved in here," he admitted.  "But you know, it really works.  I almost can't imagine you anywhere else." 

Olivia frowned.  "Why?" she murmured, and Buzz could hear the sorrow at all she had lost seeping into her voice.  He leaned forward. 

"We've known each other a long time, right?" he said.  "Been through a lot together?" 

She nodded slowly.  "That's a bit of an understatement, yeah," she agreed. 

He reached out and took her hand, his face serious.  "You're a complicated woman, Olivia," he began.  "You're intelligent, you're ambitious, you're beautiful...but you've never really been happy."  Olivia opened her mouth to protest, but he hushed her.  "Please, let me finish," he said. 

Her hand felt tense in his but she relented, settling back against her pillows.  "Okay," she said guardedly. 

Buzz squeezed her hand.  "I wanted to be the one to make you happy once," he said, his eyes locked on their joined hands.  "I wanted to...I don't know, fix you.  Because you're damaged, Olivia.  There's something about you, something...inside.  Something missing that you've been trying to find for a very long time.  That's why you've been moving around all your life, from San Cristobal to Springfield, or from man to man.  You've always had your eyes open looking for something better, and you've never really let yourself just be content." 

Her eyes were shining with unshed tears as he looked up at her.  He let go of her hand and slid his fingers across her cheek.  "I'm not trying to upset you," he said quietly.  "I'm trying to make you understand...whatever it is, whatever's been missing from your life all this time that's stopped you from really being happy...you found it here.  In this place, with her." 

She swallowed hard.  "How?" she asked, her voice watery. 

Buzz shrugged.  "Who knows how anyone finds happiness?" he said.  "All I know is that you fit here.  You're calmer.  You're healthier.  And you're...yourself.  I think you're yourself for the first time." 

There was a long, protracted moment of silence as they stared at each other.  Olivia opened her mouth to speak. 

"Hey, I'm home!" came Natalia's voice, floating in from the kitchen.  Buzz dropped his hand to his side and Olivia quickly wiped her eyes. 

"Hey there," he called back, smiling as Natalia entered the room to greet him. 

"Buzz!  Oh, it's so good to see you," she exclaimed, hugging him briefly. 

She started to ask after his family (not Frank though, he noted) and how things were going at Company but he wasn't really listening.  His eyes were focused on Olivia who was staring at Natalia like she'd never seen her before. 

* * *

Natalia had always found something very comforting about baking bread.  It was almost magical - flour, water, salt and a little yeast was all it took.  It seemed simple, but whole civilisations had risen and fallen on that alchemy.  She'd certainly felt its absence in the past, when tips were bad or jobs were lost and she could afford to feed Rafe but not herself.  Those were the times when she found herself baking rather than buying bread, because she had a little more time on her hands, and because it was cheaper.  Plus there was the therapeutic value to the physical exertion involved.  Mix, knead, turn, knead, turn, knead until her muscles would scream and sweat would break out on her brow.  But it was always worth it because she got to see it rise, grow, slowly take on a life of its own.  Like bringing up a child.  Like falling in love. 

"I still don't see how this is better than buying it." 

Natalia turned her head to Olivia, a dot of flour dusting her nose.  Olivia's eyes honed in on it.  She wanted to wipe it off, she realised; her fingers tingled with the desire to reach out and touch.  She thought she'd done something like that before.  She remembered leaning over a table...fingers searching...giggling... 

"Well, it tastes better, it's cheaper and you have the satisfaction of knowing you made it all by yourself." 

Olivia shook herself a little as Natalia interrupted her memory.  "But it's so sloooow," she drawled.  Emma looked up from her homework and giggled.  Natalia rolled her eyes. 

"Some of the best things that have ever happened to me have happened slowly," she said, turning her dough ninety degrees and pushing it out with the heel of her hand.  Knead, turn, knead, turn. 

"How slow?" 

Natalia grinned to herself.  "Glacial," she said.  She turned back to Olivia.  "Besides," she added.  "We're supposed to be all about routine, right?  Well, every Sunday I go to church early then come home, make soup and bake bread while Emma does her homework and you criticize me."  She smiled.  "We're only following doctor's orders." 

Olivia shot her a lopsided smirk, their eyes met and locked, and for a second it was just like old times.  Something indefinable sparked between them and Natalia's breath caught.  Then Olivia looked away.  "What kind of soup?" she asked. 

Natalia turned back to her dough.  Butterflies.  "Carrot and cilantro," she said, hoping the tremble stayed out of her voice. 

Olivia pulled a face.  "Carrots again?" she asked. 

"They're good for you," Natalia replied instantly.  "Extremely high in Vitamin A.  Good for bone metabolism." 

She expected some kind of sarcastic retort and when it didn't come she turned, a frown creasing her brow.  Olivia was staring at her speculatively, with something Natalia couldn't quite name shining in her eyes.  "You are so sweet..." Olivia murmured seriously, then blinked.  She seemed to shake herself and quickly plastered a grin onto her face.  "This is why Rafe's diabetic, right?" she said, raising an eyebrow.  "He absorbed too much sugar in the womb." 

It was almost a relief.  Olivia was still Olivia after all - and there was nothing like a joke to cover up an emotional moment.  Natalia barked out a laugh and returned to kneading her dough, a little more forcefully than before.  Emma finished up her homework and excused herself, rushing off to catch her favourite TV show. 

Natalia cast a glance over her shoulder at Olivia.  "Hey, have you ever heard of the Road to Emmaus?" she said. 

"That's in Pennsylvania, right?" Olivia replied instantly, but Natalia could hear the smile in her voice.  She rolled her eyes. 

"It's a Bible story," she explained.  "Father Ray read it in church today." 

Olivia sighed indulgently.  "Go on," she said. 

Natalia smiled.  "Well, Emmaus was a town just outside Jerusalem," she began.  "And on the day of Christ's resurrection two of his followers were walking there, talking about everything that had happened.  A man they didn't recognise joined them and started talking to them and asking them why they were so sad.  They told him all about what had happened to Jesus, and he walked with them the whole way, explaining to them the Jewish prophecies about the messiah..."  She trailed off, kneading her dough harder and faster than before. 

Olivia waited for a moment.  "And..." she said, when it seemed as if Natalia wasn't going to continue. 

"And," Natalia went on.  "When they got to the town they invited the stranger to eat with them.  And at the meal something amazing happened.  The stranger blessed the bread and when he broke it their eyes were opened and they saw...it was him.  Jesus." 

Olivia stared at Natalia's back, watching the play of muscles underneath her white cotton T-shirt as she kneaded her bread.  "Why are you telling me this?" she asked softly.  Natalia slowed what she was doing, then stopped and turned to face her. 

"The Road to Emmaus teaches us to have hope, even when things seem bleakest.  The travellers thought they'd lost everything, but Jesus was with them all the time.  They just needed to have their eyes opened."  She paused, then took a deep breath.  "We're on our own Road to Emmaus, right now," she declared.  "It wasn't just you who lost something in that accident.  I lost something too.  Our life here...how close we've become...and now we're travelling back to that, together." 

Olivia watched Natalia for a long moment, then held out her hand.  "Come here," she said softly.  Natalia obeyed without question, reaching out and taking Olivia's hand in her own.  Olivia looked up at her with serious eyes.  "I'm not going to get my memory back because you feed me a bread roll," she said.  "You understand that, right?" 

Natalia nodded tightly.  "Of course I know that," she insisted.  "Of course I do." 

Olivia smiled.  "But that's not to say I won't ever get it back," she added.  "Some things are already slotting into place.  Like this..."  She reached up and wiped that spot of flour she'd been eyeing from Natalia's nose.  "It was ice cream before...right?"  Natalia nodded again, and Olivia could see tears springing to her eyes.  "Hey, don't cry," she admonished gently, tugging on Natalia's hand to get her to move down level with her.  Natalia crouched down, allowing Olivia to wrap her arm round her shoulders and pull her closer. 

"I'm sorry," Natalia breathed, wiping her eyes harshly with the back of her hand. 

"Don't be," Olivia soothed.  "I..." she trailed off, looking for the words.  "It means a lot to me...that you care," she said at last. 

"Of course I care," Natalia replied instantly. 

Olivia looked down shyly.  "About me?" she asked.  "Or about Gus's heart?" 

Her question sat in the air between them for a long moment before Natalia's hesitant, trembling fingers moved up and ghosted over Olivia's chest.  "I haven't thought of it as Gus's heart for a very long time," she whispered. 

Emotion welled up in Olivia's throat and for a moment she couldn't speak.  "Yeah?" she said at last, her voice low and husky. 

"Yeah," Natalia replied in a breath, flattening her palm against the beat of Olivia's heart.  "It's yours," she said.  "Just yours..."  She looked up into her eyes.  "I know you won't get all your memories back just like that," she murmured.  "I know this isn't like the story."  She took a deep breath.  "But you know, what the story teaches us is that salvation comes exactly when we need it.  And it can come in the most unexpected of guises.  In the most surprising ways..." 

Olivia felt something fundamental shift inside her.  She wanted to kiss this woman, she suddenly realised.  She'd never wanted anything like that before... 

She ran her hand through Natalia's hair without really thinking about what she was doing.  "Yes," she breathed, her eyes locked with Natalia's.  "I think you're right.  I think it can..." 

* * *

Natalia was familiar with this dance.  It began with hostility, the partners circling each other like wary animals waiting to see who would pounce first.  Then there would be a little change in the rhythm or the tempo and they'd find themselves - almost against their will - inching closer.  Soon the wariness would disappear, replaced by a deep desire to continue the dance, wherever it led.  Their hands would finally touch and then...just as they should have been falling into each other's arms...retreat. 

Olivia was definitely in retreat.  If she could have walked she would have bolted from the room after their last conversation.  Natalia had watched the shutters come down in her eyes, the hardening of her jaw, the tensing of her muscles.  Something had scared her badly and, from the look in the other woman's eyes, Natalia was pretty sure she knew what it was.  Lust.  Olivia had been staring at her with a very familiar expression...eyes half-lidded and dark, lips parted, breath shallow.  Natalia's face had burned under that gaze and for a brief moment she was sure they were about to kiss... 

...before Olivia abruptly dropped her hands to her sides and asked to be moved back to the living room. 

Natalia sighed as she stirred her soup.  History was repeating itself, albeit at a much quicker pace.  How was she going to stop Olivia from walking away from her again declaring bleakly " _there is no us_ "? 

But then, was it Olivia's fear or her own that had caused that little catastrophe? 

Olivia had demonstrated many times that she was willing to sacrifice her own happiness for Natalia's sake.  And what had she heard that day?  Natalia lamenting for the Coopers.  Natalia saying " _please just let go_ " and flinching as if burned when she'd tried to take her hand.  Natalia asking " _what good is that kind of truth?_ "  Olivia's truth.  Olivia's love. 

She had rejected it, she suddenly realised.  She hadn't meant to.  She'd just been talking without thinking, without considering what subtext Olivia was going to read into her words.  She'd said "I love you Olivia," but what had Olivia heard?  Maybe..."I love you Olivia, _but just saying that makes me miserable_." 

Natalia dropped the spoon into the soup and barely noticed the splash burning her hand.  How could she have been so stupid?  How could she have pushed Olivia away when all her body had been crying out for was to fall into her arms and never leave?  She replayed the gazebo conversation in her mind again, this time seeing the hope that had ascended and then gradually died in Olivia's eyes as Natalia just kept talking...and talking...and talking... 

_This is my fault_ , Natalia thought, blood draining from her face. _If I'd said what I really wanted to she wouldn't have walked away.  She wouldn't have been on that street.  She'd be here with me now, whole and healthy._

Sobs rose in her throat which she covered up with the sound of cold water gushing from the tap as she held her scalded hand under it.  She held it there for a long time, and when she finally turned the water off her hand was numb. 

"Hey, Em was wondering when dinner's going to be ready." 

Natalia turned before she had time to paste a fake smile onto her face.  Emma was grinning up at her, obviously proud of the fact that she'd managed to push her mom's wheelchair all the way from the living room to the kitchen.  But Olivia looked stricken. 

"What's wrong?  Why are you crying?" she demanded. 

Natalia smiled a watery smile and shrugged with one shoulder.  "It's nothing," she said. 

Olivia raised her eyebrows.  "No, it's not nothing," she insisted.  "What is it?" 

Natalia held up her hand.  "I just burnt my hand.  It's nothing, really." 

Olivia frowned.  "Em, will you run and get me the first aid kit?" she said, half turning to face her daughter. 

"Oh...really Olivia, it's nothing," Natalia protested. 

Olivia shook her head.  "Come here," she said, using her work voice.  Natalia obeyed reluctantly, closing the distance and sitting in a chair so they were level.  "I was a chef once, did you know that?" Olivia continued as Emma handed her the first aid kid. 

Natalia couldn't quite hide the look of disbelief that stole across her face.  "Then why do I do all the cooking?" 

Olivia smirked.  "Because it obviously suits me to pretend to be hopeless," she said.  "Hey, can you get me the Saran wrap sweetie?" she asked, turning to Emma and missing the look of outrage on Natalia's face. 

"You are unbelievable!" 

Olivia chuckled.  "That's why you love me, right?" 

Silence reigned as both women realised what she'd said.  Olivia's hands stilled and a deep frown creased her brow.  A bomb could have gone off in the other room and Natalia doubted they'd have noticed.  The universe had contracted suddenly and all that existed was the two of them and the place where their hands touched. 

"So," Natalia began, trying to cut the tension.  She coughed to clear her throat.  "What does being a chef have to do with my hand?" 

Olivia came back to life and grabbed the Saran wrap Emma was holding out to her gratefully, obviously glad of the distraction.  "Just that I know how serious kitchen accidents can be," she replied, wrapping Natalia's injured hand gently in the clear plastic.  Her fingers were soft and mild on Natalia's skin.  Natalia watched her as she worked, her heart melting at the look of intense concentration on Olivia's face as she began to dress the wound with a second layer, this time a cotton bandage.  "All done," Olivia said at last, but didn't release her hand.  Their fingers played together for a long moment, seemingly of their own volition.  Natalia smiled. 

"Thank you," she said, then slowly and deliberately leaned forward.  "We take such good care of each other," she whispered in Olivia's ear, then gently kissed her cheek. 

For a long moment Olivia didn't speak.  Natalia pulled back and smiled at her innocently.  _She's staring at my lips_ , Natalia thought almost giddily.  She'd seen that look before so many times - but now she was willing to acknowledge what it meant. 

Olivia coughed.  "Yeah," she said finally.  "I guess we do..." 

"I'll just go and get the soup," Natalia said softly.  She hoped she was projecting an air of calm because inside her stomach was doing cartwheels. 

Natalia believed that human beings were made up of their own version of the holy trinity - not Father, Son and Holy Spirit but Mind, Soul and Body.  _Olivia's mind may not remember_ , Natalia thought with a grin.  _But her body does..._ She glanced over at Olivia who still looked a little shell-shocked. 

_I can use that..._

* * *

Olivia had felt in a permanent state of discombobulation all day.  All week, really, if she was honest.  She was finding it very difficult to keep her eyes off Natalia, and she wasn't quite sure why.  She was noticing things...her hands, the way they moved, the play of muscles and tendons under the skin.  Her smile, the way it lit up the room and lifted her heart.  And her lips...oh dear God, her lips.  Full and soft looking and so very, very kissable. 

And that was really the crux of the issue.  Natalia's kissable lips that she couldn't stop staring at.  Olivia Spencer was known as a man-eater - she was even rather proud of the label.  She had never in her life wanted to kiss a woman before. 

She'd have liked to withdraw from Natalia, regroup and think.  But she couldn't because she couldn't just get up and leave the room - she was dependant on Natalia for everything.  And Natalia wasn't exactly giving her space.  If she didn't know the other woman better she'd almost think it was deliberate.  Every time she got up from the table at dinner she'd run her hand up her arm as she passed.  When she sat back down she'd pat her hand.  When Olivia ate she'd wipe little bits of food from her lips with the pad of her thumb - sometimes Olivia was sure there wasn't even anything there.  And always there was the smile, and the voice, and the sheer steady, simple presence of Natalia surrounding her, making her head spin. 

"Can we watch a movie tonight?" Emma asked as Natalia stood up to clear away the dishes. 

"Friday's movie night," Olivia replied distractedly.  Natalia stopped in mid stride and looked back at Olivia over her shoulder. 

"You remember that?"  Her voice was shaky. 

Olivia looked up.  She remembered popcorn, laughter, Emma and Natalia...one blanket.  "Yeah..." she replied dazedly.  She frowned.  " _King Kong_..." she whispered. 

Natalia dropped the plates. 

The spell was broken.  Olivia blinked and suddenly laughed as Natalia dropped to her knees and began frantically cleaning up the pieces.  "Hey, didn't I tell you I wouldn't be helping you when everything crashed to the floor?" 

If Natalia had been holding anything she'd have dropped it again.  "You remember that too?" 

Olivia paused then broke into a broad grin.  "I guess I do."  She grabbed Emma and pulled her into as strong a hug as she could manage with only one good arm.  "Pretty good going, huh Jellybean?  Two in one night!" 

Natalia finished tossing the remnants of their dinner plates in the trash.  "Well, apparently I don't have to do the dishes," she said brightly.  "I think this calls for a celebration!" 

Emma squealed.  "Movie?" she asked, her eyes bright. 

Natalia ruffled her hair.  "You choose Em; I'll get the popcorn." 

Emma rushed off to the living room, whooping.  Olivia and Natalia both laughed, but Olivia stopped when Natalia slid her fingers into her hair, cupped the back of her head and tilted her neck up.  "Looks like that bread roll did the job after all," she murmured. 

Olivia gulped, staring at those intoxicating lips.  "Uh huh," she breathed, but hadn't really heard what she'd said.  Natalia smirked. 

"I'll get the popcorn." 

Ten minutes later Olivia found herself in bed, propped up against her pillows with Emma nestled against her left side, carefully avoiding her casts.  The little girl had chosen _Beauty and the Beast_.  That was good.  She wouldn't have to concentrate on that at all, and she could spend a little time trying to get her head on straight.  Natalia's intoxicating presence would at last be slightly distant.  She would have space. 

Or at least that's what she thought until Natalia climbed up onto the bed and casually laid her head on her shoulder. 

"Ooh, I love this movie," Natalia said, as if nothing had happened.  "Good choice Em." 

Olivia's heart was racing.  "Uhm...Natalia?" she muttered.  "What are you doing?" 

Natalia smiled up at her.  "We're watching a movie," she explained, as if it should have been obvious.  "You, me and Emma."  She patted her hand on Olivia's stomach.  "This is our routine." 

"Oh..." Olivia breathed, noting that Natalia hadn't removed her hand. 

Emma covered Natalia's hand with her own and smiled up at her too.  "Yeah, mommy," she agreed, and Olivia could only nod.  _Attacked on two fronts_ , her brain murmured.  _Hardly fair_. 

* * *

Natalia wasn't sure when she fell asleep.  She'd been trying valiantly to finish watching the movie but the last thing she remembered was her eyes flickering shut and Olivia's arm hesitantly coming round her shoulders to pull her closer. 

She wasn't leaning against Olivia anymore.  She was lying on her side, one hand trapped under her, the other thrown carelessly above her head.  She was exceedingly comfortable and warm and safe and... 

...and Olivia was pressed up against her back. 

For a moment she thought that Olivia was asleep too, and then she felt it.  A slightly trembling hand came to rest on her shoulder and then slowly travelled down her arm, a trail of gooseflesh erupting in its wake.  Olivia's breath was on her neck, warm and shallow, and Natalia thought her heart was going to beat right out of her chest. 

"What are you doing to me?" Olivia whispered softly.  Natalia could hear the faint static hiss of the TV in the background, the whistle of the wind in the tree outside, the occasional drip of the leaky faucet in the kitchen.  With sudden clarity she realised that she would never, ever forget this moment.  This was going to be burned onto her soul forever. 

Olivia brought her hand back up and this time tangled it into her hair.  She ran her fingers through it almost reverently, sighing gently at the incredible softness beneath her fingertips.  "You're beautiful," she murmured, sounding almost surprised.  Fingers ghosted across Natalia's cheek, pulling her hair back.  "So beautiful..." 

Natalia's breath hitched but Olivia was too far gone to notice.  She hovered over her for just a moment - hardly any time, but long enough for Natalia to wonder if it was possible to actually die of anticipation.  And then - unutterably slowly - Olivia leaned down and placed a gentle kiss behind Natalia's ear, just at the point where her jawbone met her neck.  It wasn't a peck.  It was long and slow and deliberate and Natalia was sure she was going to ascend into heaven right there on the spot. 

"Mommy?" 

Emma's small sleepy voice intruded into the moment and Olivia turned quickly back to her daughter.  Natalia's eyes snapped open and she gasped.  Her heart was thundering wildly in her ears and for a few moments she was aware of nothing but her pulse, her breath and the burning where Olivia's lips had touched her skin. 

Slowly she came back to reality.  "Hey," she said, making a big performance of yawning and stretching to maintain the illusion that she'd just woken.  "Is the movie over?" 

Emma nodded, rubbing at her eyes with the heel of her hands. 

Natalia smiled.  "Okay Jellybean, time for bed," she said, and it was a testament to how tired the girl she was that she didn't even protest. 

It took twenty minutes to get Emma settled in bed, and when Natalia returned to the living room after getting into her own night clothes she felt she'd done a very good job of getting herself under control.  She was breathing normally, her heart was only doing a jog instead of a sprint and she could even look Olivia in the eye while she got her dressed for bed.  Only briefly of course, but it was something. 

"Are you going to stay down here tonight?" Olivia asked as Natalia fed her some pills and made her drink half a glass of water. 

Natalia nodded firmly.  "Yup," she said, smiling.  "I'll be right here if you need me." 

Olivia looked down, unable to meet Natalia's eyes.  "You could..." she began, then coughed.  "You could sleep here..."  Her eyes glanced over the empty half of her bed.  "If you want." 

Natalia hardly dared to breathe.  "Okay," she murmured.  She turned off the light and looked back at Olivia who looked absolutely petrified.  Slowly she climbed into the bed, pulling the covers over her shoulders.  She could feel the heat of Olivia's body just inches away and had to almost physically restrain herself from reaching out to touch. 

Olivia turned to face her, eyes burning in the near darkness.  "Tell me a story," she whispered. 

Natalia smirked.  "What kind of story?" she asked.  "The kind with a princess and a space pirate and some evil aliens?" 

Olivia chuckled softly.  "No," she murmured.  "Tell me something I've forgotten.  Something about us." 

Natalia closed her eyes briefly.  _Us.  She said us.  There **is** an us.  _ "Okay," she said and began to think hard.  "Well," she began at last.  "You remember the house Gus bought..." 

Her voice was low and almost husky as she told the story and Olivia hung on her every word.  They talked long into the night. 

* * *

Olivia Spencer was in pain.  Her leg ached and itched under the cast, her arm throbbed, her head was usually thumping and she needed to go to the bathroom almost constantly because Natalia was making her drink a ton of water.  She was also really cold all the time except, of course, for the times when she broke out in terrible sweats that nothing would quite relieve.  She was often alone and often bored, unable to concentrate on her books or the TV or a movie someone had left on.  All in all she should have been having a frustrating time but she noticed none of it because Natalia was there. 

Natalia was there when she woke up in the morning, lying beside her peacefully, her lips slightly parted, breathing slow and deep.  Natalia was there when she lost interest in her book or TV show around midday and needed a new distraction, bringing her carefully thought out, balanced meals, specially selected for their nutritional properties.  Natalia was there when she fell asleep, usually talking softly and rhythmically about some event from their shared past which Olivia had forgotten.  Her memory was still an unfinished painting, but she felt that some of the colours were coming through now; filled in by Natalia's patient brushstrokes in the quiet hours between Emma's bedtime and sleep.  Some of them she'd even remembered for herself - the piece of skirting she'd spent way too much money and time tracking down at Christmas, and the look of joy on Natalia's face that had made it all worthwhile.  She hadn't told Natalia that one yet.  She was saving it for that night in bed, because when she surprised Natalia in bed she always got a hug. 

And, she'd come to discover, there weren't many things she wouldn't do for one of Natalia's hugs. 

That scared her a little, but less than it had.  The familiarity of it had gradually seeped under her skin, chasing the fear away and leaving warmth and contentment in its place.  She felt right when Natalia was in her arms.  She felt empty when she was gone. 

But even when she was gone from the farmhouse physically she was present in spirit.  In the fresh fruit salad she left by Olivia's bed every morning, in the flowers on the mantle, in the notes Olivia sometimes found tucked under her pillow - simple things like ' _Call me if you get bored_ ' or ' _Work's so dull without you_ '.  Olivia had kept all of them folded carefully between the pages of the Stephen King book Emma had picked out for her - a temporary home until she find somewhere permanent.  Sometimes she'd take them out and read them over again and again...if she concentrated hard enough she believed she could almost smell the scent of Natalia's skin lingering on the paper... 

"So, you're getting on with Natalia then," Jeffrey said, looking at her with an amused smirk. 

Olivia stopped mid sentence.  "What?" 

Jeffrey shrugged.  "You haven't stopped talking about her since I came in," he explained blandly.  "I thought I was here to see how you're feeling, not to get a personal performance of the _Natalia Rivera is Wonderful_ show." 

Olivia's lips tautened into a severe line.  "I talked about other things," she protested, but even she didn't believe it was true. 

Jeffrey raised his eyebrow.  " _Natalia's such a good cook!_ " he sing-songed, trying to imitate her voice.  " _Natalia's so good with Emma!  Natalia's been helping me get my memory back!  Natalia's looking after me so well!_ " 

Olivia flushed darkly.  "God, you're annoying," she muttered, sinking back against her pillows. 

"And you," he replied, leaning forward.  "Are _smitten_." 

Olivia's face went from red to white so quickly it was almost comical.  "What?" 

Jeffrey leaned back again, a self-satisfied smirk on his face.  "You heard me." 

A silence stretched between them.  "I don't know what you're talking about," Olivia lied.  This feeling, whatever it was, whatever the reason she was having it, she wanted to enjoy it a little longer.  She wanted to just bask in it for a while without naming it, because if it was named she'd have to face it and- 

"You're falling for her," Jeffrey said, interrupting her inner monologue. 

_So much for that_ , Olivia's mind remarked acidly. 

"I really wish you hadn't said that," she said quietly. 

Jeffrey regarded her steadily for a moment.  "I know you, Olivia," he said at last.  "I know you don't like losing control." 

"Yeah, I wonder how I developed that little hangup," she replied instantly, shooting him a look filled with a kind of anger he hadn't seen for a long time. 

"I know," he said softly.  "I know exactly how I...damaged you."  He looked at the floor, a familiar shame washing over him like a wave. 

Olivia covered her eyes with her hand.  "What does any of this have to do with Natalia?" she asked. 

Jeffrey looked up.  "Just that...when you love someone," he began, "you do give them power.  Power to hurt you.  But power to heal you too." 

Olivia shook her head.  "I don't need to be healed." 

Jeffrey smiled gently.  "Really." 

Silence stretched between them for a long moment before Olivia looked away and forced a laugh.  "This is ridiculous," she muttered.  "Me and Natalia?  She's just so...and I'm..." 

"What?  What is she?" 

Olivia closed her eyes.  "She's good," she said at last.  "She's decent, she's kind, she's warm, she's b-beautiful-" her breath caught as she stumbled over the last word, and suddenly remembered saying all of that before, to someone else she couldn't quite place. 

Jeffrey took her hand in his.  "And what are you?" he asked softly. 

Olivia opened her eyes, a look of infinite sadness passing over her face like a cloud.  "I'm Olivia freakin' Spencer," she said, in the same tone as she might have said 'serial killer'.  "I'm toxic.  I destroy everything I touch.  I disappoint the people I love.  I hurt them.  I'm not a good person, and it doesn't matter how hard I try to change.  It'll never happen...because of me...the way I am..." 

For a moment Jeffrey didn't know what to say.  "Olivia," he murmured at last.  "You don't honestly believe all that, do you?"  Olivia looked away and didn't answer.  Jeffrey pressed.  "Olivia?"  When she didn't answer he squeezed her hand.  "You're wrong," he said sharply. 

"Am I?"  She sounded weary, defeated. 

"Yes!"  Jeffrey leaned forward.  "You're _good_ Olivia.  And do you know how I know?  _Because you forgave me_." 

Olivia shook her head.  "It was my fault-" she began, but Jeffrey cut her off. 

"No," he said, shaking his head.  "I know what I did.  I know.  Don't!" he warned, holding up his hand to stop her from interrupting.  "What happened was _not_ in any way your fault.  It was mine.  No one forced _me_.  I forced _you_." 

For a long moment neither of them could speak.  Twenty-three years worth of pain, shame and guilt sat between them like a living thing. 

"I-" Olivia began, breathing hard through sudden tears.  "I...I don't-" 

"Sssh," Jeffrey hushed her.  "You don't have to say anything.  But you need to know...there are very, very few people in this world who could forgive me for what I did.  You are one of those rare, special people.  And that's how I know you're good, Olivia.  Because you sacrificed your righteous anger to ease my shame."  He looked away.  "You do that a lot," he murmured. 

"What?" Olivia asked, her voice husky with tears. 

"Sacrifice yourself," he replied.  "You think you're a bad person?  What kind of person is willing to give up everything that could make them happy for the sake of someone they love?"  He squeezed her hand tightly.  "That's what you've done.  I know you don't remember."  He looked up.  "But if you don't believe me, you can ask Natalia." 

"Ask me what?" 

Two sets of eyes swung round to the smiling woman who'd just walked in.  But as soon as she saw Olivia's face Natalia's smile faded.  "What's wrong?" 

Olivia wiped at her eyes harshly with the heel of her hand.  "Jeffrey and I are reminiscing," she answered vaguely. 

Jeffrey leaned back in his chair.  "Actually, I was just going," he said.  "Think about what I said, Olivia."  Then, with a quick press of his lips to her forehead, he was gone.  Natalia took his place in the chair by her bed. 

"What's going on?" she asked, a frown creasing her brow. 

Olivia stared at her, seeing for the first time the warmth, affection and...yes...love in Natalia's eyes.  She didn't know why, didn't know what she could have possibly done to deserve this but there was one thing of which she was absolutely sure. 

Natalia _was_ her salvation. 

She just couldn't shake the feeling that she, Olivia, was a curse. 

* * *

The halfway house really wasn't that bad, Rafe Rivera had decided.  He got a room to himself, with a bed that didn't feel like a layer of bricks with a sheet on it, and no-one was trying to beat him up or sell him drugs.  This was definite progress.  He had some free time, he had various community service jobs going on, and he could see his family a bit more often now that his mom didn't have to drive so far.  Of course, she'd been pretty pre-occupied with Olivia. 

It was strange - Rafe couldn't say exactly when Olivia had started creeping into his mother's conversation.  It had happened so gradually that it had just seemed normal.  " _Hey sweetie, how are you, are you taking your medicine, are you eating enough, and oh, I must tell you about this hilarious thing Olivia said..._ "  And pretty soon Olivia's billing had moved up in the conversation so that eventually his mother would just give him a quick visual once over to check how he was before launching into a story about something Olivia or Emma had said or done.  And he'd liked that.  He'd liked not having to tell her about the things that were going on in his head late at night while his cellmate snored.  He'd liked imagining her on a farm with a friend and a child she could mother.  He'd begun to like Olivia vicariously.  And he'd looked forward to going to that place, that home his mother had sculpted with nothing but sheer determination and love. 

But Frank had ruined that for the time being, which was why Rafe was so surprised to see him waltzing into the kitchen and sitting down opposite him while he was trying to eat his breakfast. 

"What are you doing here?" Rafe said warily, swallowing his cereal so quickly that it scraped his throat a little on the way down. 

Frank smiled, but it didn't reach his eyes.  "I came to see how you are," he said. 

Rafe shot him a disbelieving look.  "I've been here for a freakin' month, you're just now developing a conscience?" 

Frank shifted in his seat.  "It's not sudden," he said.  "It's just taken me this long to figure out what I need to do." 

Rafe tossed his spoon into the bowl and pushed it away, his appetite deserting him.  "And what's that?" 

Frank looked down, then slowly reached into his inside jacket pocket.  "Firstly," he said with a deep breath.  "I need to give you this." 

Rafe looked down at the object in Frank's hand.  "My dad's badge..." he breathed, reaching out immediately to take it.  Frank nodded. 

"When you gave this to me..." he began haltingly.  "It was because you thought...I don't know, that I was going to look after your mom, or that she'd be happy with me.  Because everyone always says what a good guy I am, right?"  He met Rafe's eyes steadily, but briefly.  "I haven't behaved like a good guy."  Rafe nodded seriously in agreement, and Frank looked down again.  "I've struck out, in anger and pain...not physically...but I hurt your mom, and you, just to make a point.  That I can be a bad guy sometimes.  That I'm not as safe as everyone thinks."  He rubbed his eyes.  "But it's just kinda backfired on me because I can't look at my reflection anymore without feeling disgusted with myself.  With what I've done..." 

Rafe knew his mother would have wanted him to feel sympathetic towards him, if only for the obvious pain he was in.  But he wasn't as good a person as his mother, although he knew he should try.  He couldn't bring himself to display anything but disdain for Frank.  Not yet.  "So what," he said harshly.  "You want sympathy now?  You think I'm gonna forgive you because you're acting all broken up and you give me back my dad's badge?  It's not that easy." 

Frank shook his head.  "I know," he said.  "I know it's not that easy.  I know that maybe nothing will ever make this right.  But that doesn't mean I'm absolved of the responsibility to try." 

Rafe sat back in his chair and regarded Frank curiously for a long moment.  "So what do you want, man?" he asked at last, crossing his legs over at the ankles. 

Frank laid his palms flat on the table.  "Do you still want to be a cop?" he asked. 

For a long moment there was silence.  Rafe looked away.  "Doesn't much matter, does it?" he said bitterly.  "Criminal record and everything.  Not much call for ex-con cops, is there?" 

Frank leaned forward.  "Ah, but that's where I can help you," he said.  Rafe's head snapped round to meet Frank's gaze. 

"What?" 

"I've been talking to a few people," Frank continued eagerly.  "The parole board, the judge, the mayor...I think I can get you out of this place as soon as next week.  If..." 

Rafe looked sceptical.  "If?" 

Frank leaned back.  "If you take on an internship at Springfield PD," he said.  "The parole board think it's a great idea.  I guess maybe they like the irony of a guy who shot a DA typing reports and filing at a police station.  And it would give you experience of what life as a cop is really like.  There's a whole lot more routine than excitement you know.  And then, when the time comes and your record is up for review...I could use my influence.  I could help you." 

Rafe linked his fingers together and ran his joined hands over his hair.  "Are you for real?" he asked, excitement beginning to tinge his voice.  "I could get out of here?  Go home?  And maybe still be a cop one day?" 

Frank nodded.  "You sure could." 

"Hell yes!" Rafe exclaimed excitedly, then subsided slightly.  "Wait...what's the catch?" 

Frank held his arms open in a gesture of surrender.  "No catch," he said.  "I owe you.  And your mom." 

Rafe narrowed his eyes.  "She's not gonna come back to you, you know," he said.  "She loves-" 

"Olivia," Frank finished for him.  "Trust me, I know." 

A silence crept in between them for a few moments as Rafe watched Frank and Frank watched Rafe. 

"Why are you doing this?" Rafe asked at last.  Frank sighed. 

"So I can look myself in the eyes again," he said softly.  "You know...that day in the hospital.  It wasn't just you and your mom I betrayed.  It was myself.  That's not me, Rafe.  I'm not the kind of guy who hurts a woman just because he got rejected.  At least...that's not the man I want to be."  He coughed.  "Soooo," he drawled, looking up at Rafe again and extending his hand.  "Have we got a deal?" 

Rafe considered it for a moment before grinning slowly and shaking Frank's hand.  "Deal," he said, then tilted his head.  "Next week?" 

Frank nodded.  "Yup, I just need to get a bit of paperwork sorted out and then...you'll be going home." 

Rafe laughed with joy.  He couldn't wait to tell his mom!  But his smile faded as he looked at the clock. 

It was Sunday, and she was supposed to be picking him up so they could go to Mass together.  She was twenty minutes late. 

* * *

Natalia knew what people thought of her.  She knew she was thought of as pure, sweet, innocent, kind, chaste - all that good stuff.  And it was mostly true.  But today, as she sat by the side of the road in a car that refused to drive any further with smoke rising lazily from the hood, all that went straight out of the proverbial window. 

"Fuck, fuck, fuck, FUCK!" she screamed, punctuating each curse with a smack of her hand on the steering wheel.  She took a deep breath when she was done, leaning her head forward.  She didn't feel any better.  All that had changed was that now her hand hurt and she knew that, even if she managed to get to Mass today, she wouldn't be able to receive communion because she wasn't in anything close to what could be described as a State of Grace. 

The day had started so promisingly.  She'd woken - warm, contented and safe - early, to the sound of birdsong and the sensation of being held, an arm loose around her hip, warm breath tickling her neck evenly and slowly.  Olivia had still been asleep, and Natalia had greedily drunk in the feeling of a heavy, sleepy arm pinning her to the mattress, knowing that Olivia would withdraw as soon as she woke up, like always, and she'd have to pretend she'd been asleep the whole time. 

It was strange how, in the days and weeks since Jeffrey's visit, Olivia had been seemingly stuck in a cycle of pushing Natalia away one minute and pulling her closer the next.  There were days when she'd flinch from the other woman's casual touches and impulsive hugs as if burned - but then there were days when she craved them, even initiated them.  Natalia's head was spinning with it all.  She wanted to ask Olivia what was going on, but the words kept sticking in her throat, transforming into banal, everyday questions on the trip from her heart to her mouth. 

_Why do you fear me?_ became _What do you want for dinner?_

_Will you let me touch you?_ became _How does your arm feel?_

_Do you long for me as I long for you?_ became nothing but ash in her mouth - there was no simple platitude to take the place of that one yet.  And yet still she couldn't just ask it, no-matter how many times it leapt unbidden to her lips 

Because what if the answer was _no_? 

Natalia sighed.  They had been coasting along in neutral for weeks and she had  no idea how to find first gear.  She had about as much of an idea of how to get their relationship - such as it was - back on the road as she did the broken down car that had failed her so suddenly and spectacularly on the way to pick up Rafe. 

A sudden knocking at the window made her head jerk up in surprise.  "Oh no..." she muttered as she saw who was there. 

"Hey," Frank said, shouting slightly to be heard through the glass.  "You need some help?" 

* * *

_Well_ , Olivia's mind remarked caustically as she flopped on the floor like a fish out of water.  _This wasn't one of your better ideas_. 

It was Natalia's fault really.  _Gotta keep yourself hydrated Olivia.  Water will help your bones heal Olivia._ Yeah, and water also made her want to piss like a racehorse almost all the time, and Natalia had been in a rush for some reason that morning and hadn't remembered to take her to the bathroom. 

It wasn't like her at all.  Usually Natalia was up long before Olivia even stirred but this morning she'd woken first...with her body pressed up against Natalia's back and her arm draped possessively over her hip.  The thought of it made her blood run cold then hot in such quick succession it made her head spin.  Hot because it felt so, so heartbreakingly right.  Cold because she couldn't help but wonder how many other times her body had sought out Natalia's in the night - how many times had Natalia woken to Olivia manhandling her and sneaked out of bed to spare her blushes?  She could barely bring herself to think about it, but pretty soon it was pushed from her mind by ever louder interruptions from her body, which were leaving her in no doubt of what would happen if she didn't get to the bathroom quickly.  Really quickly. 

Natalia had been gone for an hour and Emma was still at Jodie's on a sleepover, so Olivia had decided she needed to take matters into her own hands.  Which was how she found herself lying painfully on the floor with no way to get herself up, feeling weak, helpless and strangely embarrassed, even though she was alone in the house.  Like a turtle upended on its shell, all she could do was lie there and wait for rescue. 

Which came much more promptly than she had expected. 

"Olivia!  What the hell are you doing on the floor?" 

Olivia raised a sardonic eyebrow at Natalia as she hovered over her.  "Tapdancing," she muttered darkly.  "What does it look like?" 

Natalia rolled her eyes.  "You could have hurt yourself," she admonished. 

"Oh no, I didn't think of that," Olivia deadpanned as Natalia helped her up and into her wheelchair. 

"Oh, could you just stop for five minutes?"  Natalia's voice was raised and tense. 

"I will if you will," Olivia snapped, shrugging off the arm that had curled round her shoulders. 

Natalia put her hands on her hips.  "What does that mean?" 

Olivia turned away, scowling.  "You don't have to lecture me about consequences all the time," she growled.  "You're not my mother, you know." 

Natalia let out a bitter laugh.  "Trust me, I am very, _very_ much aware of that," she said.  "And I don't suppose she had any luck trying to get through to you either, right?" 

Olivia's mind flashed back to a warm summer night, an embassy party, an argument, a rebellion...a mistake.  "No, she didn't," she said, and her voice was so forlorn that Natalia forgot to be angry. 

"What were you trying to do?" she asked gently, sliding her arm once again round Olivia's shoulders.  This time she was not rebuffed. 

Olivia's jaw tightened.  "I need to go to the bathroom," she muttered. 

Natalia suddenly remembered that she hadn't gone through their normal morning routine that day.  She'd been enjoying the feeling of being held by Olivia so much that she'd just basked in it - and she'd left it so late that by the time Olivia woke up and pulled away she barely had time to dress before rushing out the door to get Rafe.  The familiar sensation of guilt hit her like a bucket of water.  She had been selfish that morning, and now Olivia was suffering for it. 

"Okay," she said at last.  "Then let's go." 

This trip to the bathroom was almost as awkward as the first one had been.  There was just something about fighting with Natalia that made Olivia much more aware of the other woman and what an intimate situation they were in.  Natalia had always been very good about giving her as much privacy as she could, but Olivia was finding it hard to ignore her when her skin burned everywhere her fingers touched and her heart was pounding like a jackhammer. 

"Why are you back so quick anyway?" Olivia asked when Natalia had got her safely back to bed, more for something to say than anything else. 

Natalia sighed deeply.  "My car broke down again," she said wearily.  "Frank found me on the way to the halfway house and got me a tow truck." 

"Did he give you a ride back?" Olivia asked. 

Natalia shook her head.  "I took a cab," she said. 

Olivia frowned.  "What?  Why didn't Frank take you?  He had better things to do?" 

Natalia shook her head.  "Long story." 

That seemed to close that chapter of the conversation and for a moment Olivia couldn't think of anything to say.  "Is it going to be expensive?  The car I mean," she said at last and Natalia winced. 

"Probably.  This is all I need..." 

Suddenly Olivia brightened.  "Hey, I've got an idea.  Why don't you get a new car?" 

Natalia shot her a dubious look.  "Have you seen me buying lottery tickets lately?" 

Olivia waved her hand dismissively.  "I'll take care of it," she breezed. 

Natalia's lips thinned into a line and she shook her head.  "No." 

Olivia sat back a little as some of the wind crept from her sails.  "What?" 

"I don't need charity," Natalia said firmly. 

Olivia stared at her in disbelief for a long few moments.  "Charity," she repeated incredulously.  "You think of me giving you a gift as charity." 

Natalia looked away, shaking her head.  "This isn't exactly like a candy bar or a new sweater.  A car is a serious financial commitment.  I can't ask you to do that." 

Olivia threw her hands in the air.  "You're not asking!  I want you to have it." 

Natalia's resolve strengthened.  "No," she said adamantly. 

Olivia suddenly felt as if she might cry.  Appalled at herself for the treacherous feeling, she transferred most of it to anger.  "Why do you do this?" 

Natalia sat back a little, slightly stunned by the vitriol in Olivia's tone.  "Do what?" 

"Reject everything I try to give you.  I can't do anything right with you, can I?" 

Natalia frowned, searching Olivia's face for the source of this abrupt mood swing.  "I don't-" 

"You do!" Olivia interrupted, and hated herself for the tears springing to her eyes.  "I try so hard to do the right thing...to be a better person for you and you just...won't let me..."  She trailed off, punching the bed in frustration as sobs choked through her words. 

"Hey, come on, don't cry," Natalia gasped, moving to take the distraught woman into her arms.  "Sssh, it's okay," she murmured against Olivia's brow, smoothing her hair back with one hand while clutching her shoulder with the other.  "Why are you getting so upset?" 

Olivia clung to her, trying to suppress her tears, feeling ridiculous, but unable to stop.  "I just want," she gasped, "to give you something for a change.  You just give give give to everyone all the time...and there's nothing I can do for you except this...this is all I know how to do..." 

Natalia held her tight, soothing her with soft words and even softer lips pressed against her forehead, her cheek and once, ever so briefly, her trembling mouth.  "Okay," she breathed against Olivia's lips.  "How about a compromise?" 

Olivia took a long time to answer.  She was lost in a vague haze with nothing but the memory of Natalia's lips on hers for company.  "Wh...what?" she murmured at last. 

Natalia released her and sat back in her chair.  "A business arrangement," she said. 

Olivia's head spun at the abrupt change in the tone of the conversation.  "A business arrangement," she repeated flatly. 

Natalia nodded.  "Instead of you buying me a car," she said.  "How about _we_ buy a car?" 

Olivia frowned.  "You mean...we buy a car...together?" 

Natalia nodded.  "We already live and work together," she said.  "It couldn't hurt to do a little merging in other areas.  Say I talk to the bank and get us a joint account - you pay your rent and a percentage of your income in there, I put a chunk in every month and we use it to pay the mortgage, and the car loan, and any other joint expenses that come up."  She made it all sound extremely reasonable. 

"So..." Olivia said warily.  "We'd...have a joint bank account..." 

Natalia shrugged.  "Obviously we maintain our separate accounts for most things," she explained.  "But this would make things easier for expenses relating to the house and the car, if you still want to go ahead with that.  I'm sure even I can get credit with you co-signing." 

Olivia considered the idea for a moment.  "I don't know..." she said softly.  "I've...I've never had a joint account with anyone before." 

Natalia looked at her steadily.  "You've been married five times, Olivia," she said in surprise.  "And you've never shared your life with anyone?" 

Olivia shifted uncomfortably.  "Well, when you put it like that..." 

Natalia interrupted her with a wave of her hand.  "Do you trust me?" she said. 

Olivia didn't even have to think about it.  "Yes," she replied instantly. 

Natalia smiled one of her amazing, breathtaking smiles.  "Okay then," she said brightly.  "I'll get the ball rolling."  She stood, breathing deeply through her nose.  "Now, what would you like for lunch?" 

Olivia watched her get up and head towards the kitchen, humming a cheery tune.  She had the distinct impression that she'd just been wound tightly round Natalia Rivera's little finger. 

Strangely, she didn't really mind. 

* * *

Olivia felt strangely like a toddler learning to walk for the first time.  Finally - _finally_ \- the cast on her arm had come off and she was allowed to have crutches.  Doctor Rick had examined her arm and the verdict was 'weak, but acceptable'.  She had a whole list of exercises to do which she'd fully planned to ignore - of course, Natalia wouldn't let her.  She'd made sure Olivia had done her full quota of half an hour's exercise every evening since she'd had the cast removed.  And she'd been taking her for short walks outside too.  Olivia had missed the smell and feel of the outdoors and it was a joy to be out again, even if the crutches made her tired and unsteady on her feet. 

And they weren't the only thing making her unsteady on her feet.  There was Natalia, too. 

_She kissed me_ , Olivia thought for the fiftieth time that week.  Her heart did an acrobatic manoeuvre and her stomach lurched.  Her reaction to the memory of Natalia's lips pressed ever so briefly to hers had not become one iota less visceral, despite the days she'd had to think about it. 

She'd tried telling herself that it was nothing more than comfort, but she knew deep down that wasn't true.  She knew when someone was into her.  She could recognise the signs - even if those signs appearing in a woman's guise and thrown her in the beginning.  Natalia was into her in a big way.  And as for Olivia...well, Olivia more than reciprocated the feeling.  She'd realised some time ago that she wanted to kiss her.  Her mind had gone much further than that now.  It had gone from kissing, to holding, to touching, to the bedroom with indecent haste and was now firmly stuck in _And what happens then?_ mode. 

Shame.  Whispering.  Looks.  Judgement.  Natalia hating her for tempting her off the path to heaven. 

It was the last one more than anything that she couldn't live with.  She could live with the disdain of this one horse town quite happily - how would it be any worse than being known as the manipulative man-eater after all?  But to see love and desire transfigure themselves into hatred and disgust in Natalia's beautiful eyes...Olivia had a feeling that would break her heart.  Possibly literally. 

A knock at the back door interrupted her thoughts.  Olivia smiled.  Finally, an excuse to move.  Natalia had gone out to pick up some paperwork at The Beacon over an hour ago and she'd given her strict instructions not to go wandering round on her crutches without supervision.  Olivia had been behaving.  She knew better than to disobey Natalia, after all. 

_Married five times and **this** is the one you're happy to obey?_ her mind quipped as she headed for the door.  _Not to mention love and honour._   _You're really far gone._

"Hey Frank!" she exclaimed, pushing the sarcastic inner voice down.  "How are you?" 

Frank smiled a small, careful smile.  "I'm OK thanks Liv...good to see you up and about at last." 

Olivia shrugged with one shoulder as she hopped back and let him enter.  "Can I get you anything?" she asked. 

Frank shook his head.  "I'm good." 

Olivia smirked.  "Good, because I'm not allowed to make coffee anyway." 

Frank's eyebrow twitched.  "Not _allowed_?"  He smiled.  "Olivia Spencer, not allowed to do something?  And actually paying attention?" 

"Yeah yeah," Olivia replied, a hint of a blush colouring her cheekbones. 

Frank took pity.  "Is Natalia home?" 

Olivia shook her head.  "She went to The Beacon for a bit," she explained.  "But she'll be back soon, I think." 

Frank looked down at the paperwork in his hand.  "I need her to sign these papers so I can get Rafe's release finalised..." he muttered.  "Do you mind if I wait?" 

Olivia shrugged magnanimously.  "Sure.  You want to come through to the living rom?" 

Frank followed her as she delicately limped back to her bed, trying not to appear as tired as she felt from the short walk.  He took her crutches and set them aside as she climbed up onto the bed, sitting her leg on top of a small pile of pillows.  "How long until this comes off?" Frank asked, nodding towards her leg. 

Olivia smiled.  "Doctor Rick says two weeks," she replied.  "Natalia's been making sure I look after myself." 

Frank looked away.  "Yeah, Natalia's always looked after you..." he murmured.  Olivia shifted uncomfortably. 

"Yeah...well...this is just temporary."  She pasted a smile on her face to cover the unease that had crept into her heart.  When she didn't need to be looked after anymore she'd have to give all this up.  She couldn't go on living in this place, seeing Natalia every day, knowing she wanted her and knowing she couldn't... _shouldn't_...have her.  "And you know what?" she continued, false cheer in her voice.  "Pretty soon Natalia's going to need someone to look after her." 

Frank fixed her with an enquiring look.  "She already has that, Liv," he said steadily. 

Olivia flushed.  Was she so transparent?  "You know," she began, pushing her embarrassment away.  "Natalia is really...special.  She's a really special person." 

Frank nodded.  "You'll get no argument from me." 

Olivia nodded.  "And you like her, right?" 

Frank leaned back in his chair.  "Yeah..." he drawled, not adding that she didn't much like him at the moment. 

Olivia flashed a smile on and off at him like a light bulb that burns out the moment you hit the switch.  "Do I have to draw you a diagram?" she asked. 

Comprehension slowly dawned on Frank's face.  If it hadn't been so sad he might have laughed.  "Oh...so you think that me and Natalia...?" 

"Yes!" Olivia exclaimed.  "It's perfect.  You're such a good guy, Frank.  And she deserves the kind of life you can give her." 

Frank regarded Olivia steadily.  "And what kind of life is that?" 

_A normal one_ , Olivia's mind supplied.  _One that doesn't involve being attached to the biggest screw-up in Springfield_.  "I'm talking about safety," she said aloud.  "And security and protection." 

Frank couldn't meet her eyes.  "And love?" he sounded forlorn and far away.  Olivia frowned. 

"Frank?" she murmured as he leaned forward and took her hand. 

"Let me tell you how this goes," he said, still not meeting her eyes.  "You push me and Natalia together.  You help me out, you coach me in a few things - her favourite foods, what she likes, what she needs...  It works.  We get engaged, but it's never really right because it's not me she's been falling for.  It's just the reflection of who she really wants." 

Olivia's mouth was dry.  "Frank-" she began, but he squeezed her hand. 

"Let me finish," he said.  "And do want to know where this leads?  The absolute best case scenario?  It leads to an altar.  Where she leaves me.  For you." 

Olivia's eyes had filled with tears and when she spoke her voice was shaking.  "She deserves so much better..." she whispered. 

Frank shook his head.  "What she _deserves_ " he said, pinning her with his eyes.  "Is everything her heart desires."  He gave her hand a final squeeze and released it.  "Stop making trouble where there isn't any," he said.  "Okay?  She loves you, she wants to be with _you_." 

Silence stretched between them as Olivia blinked away tears.  "I-" she choked out, then coughed.  "Frankie...I-" 

Frank held up his hand.  "Don't say anything," he murmured, then waved his papers in the air, speaking with a cheer he didn't really feel.  "You know, I'm just going to leave these for Natalia.  Can you tell her to get them back to me as soon as she can?" 

Olivia nodded dumbly, and Frank left her there trying to process exactly what had just happened. 

* * *

Natalia looked up, her eyes dark and bleak as Frank entered the kitchen.  "Oh, hey," he said in surprise.  "How long have you been here?" 

Her lip trembled a little as she looked away.  "Long enough," she murmured.  "Long enough to hear her trying to do it again...trying to give me away..." 

Frank pulled up a chair and sat beside her.  He would have liked to reach out to her somehow, but didn't know if he'd be welcome.  "She's just confused," he said. 

Natalia snorted.  "This isn't confusion," she said harshly.  "This is cowardice." 

Frank frowned and leaned forward, resting his elbows on the table.  "Maybe," he allowed.  "But you know...it takes a lot for Olivia to give her heart to someone."  He smiled at her incredulous look.  "I know, married five times, right?  But you know...I think for her that's always been more about her body than her heart.  Body is easy.  She knows exactly what she has to offer in that department.  But this...you know, she's just scared.  She's scared she won't be able to give you everything you deserve." 

Natalia scraped her hands through her hair in frustration.  "But she's everything!" she exclaimed, though quietly, conscious of Olivia in the other room.  "She's everything to me." 

Frank looked down at his hands.  "Have you told her that?" he asked. 

Natalia sighed.  "I've shown her," she said.  "That's more important.  Words can be false, words can be lies...actions are where you find the truth.  I've loved her...in every touch and every movement and every smile...for so long." 

Frank considered that for a moment.  "Can I give you some advice?" he asked hesitantly.  "Some advice that...a friend gave to me once." 

Natalia regarded him warily.  "Okay," she said at last. 

Frank smiled wryly, barely able to believe he was about to say this.  "Tell her," he said.  "Tell her what she means to you.  And keep telling her.  And when she seems unsure..." his voice wavered, but he carried on, "you just hold her, and you love her." 

After a moment he looked up at her and had to smile.  She was wearing a shell-shocked expression that could have been the twin of Olivia's.  He held up the paperwork he'd brought.  "I need you to sign this," he said, bringing her back to reality. 

"What...?  Oh.  Right." 

She quickly found the places she needed to sign and did it, with a slightly trembling hand.  Frank double checked the forms and nodded.  "Okay...he should be with you the day after tomorrow," he said.  Natalia still looked shell-shocked.  "Did you hear me?" 

Natalia shook herself.  "Yes."  She managed to smile.  "Yes, I heard you."  She surprised him by wrapping her arms round his neck in a brief hug.  "I heard everything.  Thank you, Frank." 

Frank blushed and pulled away from the embrace as soon as he could.  "It was the least I could do," he said.  "I know it'll never be enough..." 

Natalia held up her hand to interrupt him.  "Forgiveness isn't something you can earn," she said softly.  "Not from me, anyway.  It's a gift."  She took a deep breath.  "I forgive you, Frank," she said at last.  "Can you forgive me?" 

Frank looked away, sudden tears stinging his eyes.  "There's nothing to forgive," he said.  "Just...be happy." 

Natalia's smile was brilliant.  "I will," she said.  "If I have to drag her kicking and screaming, I'll get through to her.  I will." 

In that moment, Frank almost didn't envy Olivia at all. 

Almost. 

When he was gone Natalia sat alone for a few minutes, thoughts swirling through her head.  Was what she had done really not enough?  Did Olivia really still doubt how she felt, what she wanted? 

The chair scraped along the floor as she stood and moved to the doorway.  She leaned her hip against the doorframe, crossing her arms as she looked at Olivia in the bed.  "Hey," she said. 

"Hey," Olivia replied huskily.  She coughed.  "Frank was here..." 

"I know," Natalia replied.  "I saw him." 

They lapsed into silence.  Olivia couldn't meet Natalia's eyes.  Love, tenderness and desire swelled in Natalia's chest, growing stronger and stronger like a wave rushing to shore the longer their silence stretched until, finally...it broke.  "Do I have to hit you over the head with this?" she murmured. 

Olivia's eyes snapped towards her as she pushed away from the doorframe and crossed the room.  She watched her, heart pounding, as she perched on her bed.  Her breath caught in her throat as Natalia took her face in her hands, her thumbs stroking her cheeks, her eyes gentle and soft as they stared into hers. 

And then she kissed her and there was nothing brief or chaste or comforting about it. 

Olivia gasped, her lips parting slightly as Natalia's hands stroked through her hair.  She felt rather than heard Natalia's soft moan and suddenly knew that she had been waiting for this for longer than she could remember.  This was all she needed, all she had ever needed, all she would ever need...  She wrapped her arms round Natalia's neck, giving in, sinking back into the pillows as Natalia kissed her, and loved her, and claimed her. 

Their foreheads bumped together and their breath mingled as Natalia finally pulled away.  For a long time Olivia couldn't speak, couldn't think, couldn't even open her eyes.  When she did they were dark, love and desire blending in a complex cocktail that made Natalia's head spin. 

"We were in love," Olivia breathed, wonder and awe and clarity edging into her voice.  "Weren't we?" 

Natalia kissed her again, giddiness bubbling up inside her.  Her trembling hands cupped Olivia's face like it was the most precious of jewels and her eyes were filled with such heat that she was surprised she hadn't set something on fire.  She took a deep, steadying breath. 

"Yes."


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have quoted a little from the Bible (psalm 25) in the beginning, and from Margery Williams' _The Velveteen Rabbit_ at the end.

The farmhouse had never been so clean, but Natalia wasn't anywhere near finished yet.  It was important that everything was perfect today, because today was the fulfilment of eighteen years of work and toil and longing.  Rafe was coming home.  A real home, safe and warm and secure, with a real family. 

She'd woken that morning wrapped securely in Olivia's arms.  That wasn't new - she had often woken up to find Olivia's body had migrated towards hers in the night.  What was new was that Olivia was already awake but hadn't pulled away.  She was watching the other woman steadily, her eyes swimming with a tangle of emotions that Natalia couldn't begin to unravel at such an early hour.  They hadn't spoken.  Natalia had just watched Olivia watching her, until finally she'd kissed her, whispered ' _Good morning_ ' and slipped out of bed to make breakfast. 

Warmth flooding through her at the memory, Natalia looked at the clock.  It was 11.30am and Rafe was due at one.  Frank had promised to bring him in time for lunch, along with a delivery from Company to celebrate - on the house.  With no cooking to worry about Natalia had thrown herself into cleaning with abandon. 

"You don't think you're taking this a bit far?" Olivia asked, her lips twitching as she watched Natalia scrubbing the kitchen floor for at least the third time.  "Or are you planning to make him eat off the floor?" 

Natalia shot her a dangerous look.  "I just want everything to be right," she said, returning to work and redoubling her efforts. 

"It will be," Olivia soothed.  "Because you'll be there and he'll be there.  That's all you need." 

Natalia slowed her scrubbing then stopped, looking up at Olivia with shining eyes.  "Not quite," she said.  "But luckily for me I already have everything else." 

Olivia smiled.  "What's that?" 

"The rest of my family."  Natalia stood and crossed to where Olivia was sitting.  She stepped up as close as she could and wrapped her arms round the other woman's neck.  "You and Emma," she explained, leaning down for an entirely too brief kiss. 

Olivia slid her arms round Natalia's waist, nestling her head against the other woman's stomach.  "Natalia..." she sighed happily. 

Natalia curled her hand round the other woman's head, holding her against her body as she breathed deeply.  For a moment there was nothing else in the world.  Until... 

"I want a hug too!" 

The adults pulled apart just a little, both turning to see Emma bounding towards them.  Olivia laughed.  "Okay Jellybean, group hug," she said, holding one arm out to her daughter.  The child wriggled in between them and clung on to them both as tight as she could.  Natalia thought she might actually burst from happiness.  She hadn't known it was possible to actually get everything you'd ever wanted. 

"When's Rafe getting here?" Emma asked excitedly when Natalia finally pulled away to go back to her scrubbing. 

Natalia smiled indulgently.  The little girl was almost happier about Rafe coming home than she was, if that was even possible.  "Around one," she said.  "How's the card coming?" 

"Good.  It has purple glitter."  Emma looked up at her mother with a gleam in her eye.  "Do you want to help me write something in it mommy?" 

Olivia looked over at Natalia briefly before turning her attention back to her daughter.  "How could I ever resist purple glitter?" she asked.  "I seem to recall that's our colour!" 

Natalia couldn't quite wipe the silly grin from her face as Olivia stood awkwardly and hobbled after her daughter.  Then, after another look at the clock, she went back to scrubbing. 

* * *

Rafe sat in Frank's car just looking at the farmhouse for long minutes after they pulled up.  Frank didn't speak.  Maybe he didn't know what to say; maybe he just knew that words were inadequate for this moment. 

"I'm home," Rafe said at last.  He unplugged his seatbelt, turning to Frank.  "You coming in?" 

Frank shook his head.  "This is a moment for your family," he said, and managed only to sound a little bit sad. 

Rafe didn't argue the point.  "All right," he said, and grabbed the couple of bags of food they'd picked up from Company.  "When should I come by the station?" 

"The day after tomorrow, nine o'clock sharp," Frank replied.  "I've been saving up my case reports for two weeks.  They're all ready for you." 

"Oh, goodie," Rafe deadpanned, and Frank managed a smile. 

"Have a great day," he said, turning the key in the ignition as Rafe opened the door and stepped out. 

When his car was gone from sight Rafe turned back to the house, feeling strangely nervous.  Which was silly.  What did he have to be nervous about?  It was just his mom.  And Olivia, and Emma, and the little family they'd built up together over the last six months without him while he'd been in jail, or in the halfway house.  Feeling strangely like a cuckoo about to fetch up in some other bird's nest, he took a deep breath and knocked on the front door. 

It opened instantly and Emma launched herself at him like a jack-in-the-box.  "Mama, mommy, Rafe's here!" she yelled excitedly, bouncing up and down with glee while still clinging to his legs. 

He couldn't help but laugh, swallowing his lingering fears.  "Nice to see you too, Em," he said.  And then his mother was there, closely followed by Olivia on her crutches. 

"Raphael," Natalia breathed, crying already as she wrapped him in the longest, fiercest hug he'd had since the time when he was seven and he'd sneaked out of bed to go and play in a friend's house and Natalia had thought he was lost. 

"Hey ma," he said, choking back a few tears himself.  "I brought food." 

And so the four of them sat down together to share their first real family meal.  Buzz had outdone himself and provided all of their favourites - cheese-burgers with onions (they were key), chilli, chicken enchiladas and chocolate sundaes for everyone except Rafe, who needed to watch his sugar intake. 

"I can't believe you're actually letting me eat this," Olivia murmured around a mouthful of burger.  She glanced at Rafe.  "She's had me on freakin' rabbit food and vitamins for six weeks." 

Rafe laughed.  "Yeah, my mom knows exactly how to guilt people into eating right," he said, thinking of all the times as a kid when he'd really wanted to sneak a candy bar or an ice cream to be more like his friends, only to find his mother's disapproving voice in his head talking him out of it. 

Natalia rolled her eyes.  "It's not a guilt trip," she said defensively.  "I just want the people I love to be healthy, is that so wrong?" 

Olivia smiled and threaded her fingers through Natalia's casually.  "Not at all," she replied, with such warmth in her voice that Rafe looked up from his food.  When he saw their joined hands he smiled and winked at his mom, who blushed crimson, but couldn't help but smile too. 

"I made you a card!" Emma said suddenly, rushing off to retrieve it from the living room. 

"Oh, wow," Rafe said when she came back and handed it to him.  "This is awesome, Em.  I love the colour." 

Emma giggled.  "Purple's our colour," she explained. 

Rafe studied the card for a few moments.  Big block letters declared _Welcome Home Rafe_ and underneath them Emma had drawn a picture of their little family - a tall boy and a little girl off to one side playing with some ducks while two women looked on, holding hands.  "This is great, Em," he said, opening it and reading the message inside. 

"What does it say?" Natalia asked.  "They wouldn't let me read it." 

Rafe looked up at his mom who was surprised to see tears glittering in his eyes.  He coughed.  " _Dear Rafe_ ," he read.  " _It's been a long time coming but you're finally home.  I know this is something your mother's been dreaming of for a very long time - and I don't just mean since you went away.  What you have here - both of you - is a home where you will be safe and loved always.  Wherever you end up going in life - and I just know that you will go far - know that you will always have a place here, with people who love you unconditionally and without limits.  Welcome home.  Love, Olivia._ " 

He looked up.  His mother was crying and Olivia was blushing and Emma was grinning from ear to ear. 

Natalia wiped her eyes.  "I don't know who to hug first!" she exclaimed, laughter bubbling up from inside. 

Rafe shook his head.  "Yes you do." 

Natalia nodded.  "Yes, I do," she admitted.  She turned to Olivia and wrapped her in a crushing hug, which was eagerly returned.  Emma climbed up on her chair and leaned against her mom's back. 

"Come on Rafe," she said, gesturing to Natalia with her eyes. 

"What the hell," he muttered and stood, crossing to the other side of the table in two easy strides and joining in their first - but not last - group hug. 

* * *

"I think I need to take an extra shot of insulin tonight," Rafe said as he helped his mom with the dishes.  "We've had a bit of sugar overload in here." 

Natalia swatted his arm.  "Stop it," she said, but she was smiling.  "We're all just really, really happy." 

"I know ma," he said gently, and looked over at Olivia who was playing cards with Emma.  "You got through to her then," he added, lowering his voice a little so the woman in question wouldn't hear. 

Natalia turned to watch Olivia, her eyes filling with warmth.  "I did," she said, then turned to Rafe.  Her happiness faltered for a moment.  "You're sure you're okay with this?" 

Rafe rolled his eyes.  "You're impossible ma," he muttered. "You give me everything I've ever wanted and you ask if I'm okay with it?" 

Natalia smiled slowly.  "Everything you've ever wanted?" 

Rafe nodded.  "A nice home.  A place to belong.  A real family, with a little brother or sister and...a second parent.  That's everything we came to this town to find, right?" 

Tears leapt to Natalia's eyes again.  She couldn't even count the number of times she'd cried that day.  "We came here looking for a father for you," she amended. 

Rafe shrugged.  "And we found him.  I had Gus in my life, even if it wasn't for very long.  I don't need another father figure."  He smirked.  "And if I did...well, Olivia can be pretty butch." 

He laughed at the scandalised look that crossed her face.  "You are too much," she said, shooing him away.  "Go and play with Emma.  I think I'll get this done quicker on my own." 

She turned back to the dishes and lost herself in them for a few minutes, basking in the warmth of her family, together and safe at long last.  She was so far into her own little world that she didn't notice Olivia's approach until she was pressed up against her back, her arms round her waist and her chin resting on her shoulder. 

"Hey," Olivia breathed. 

"Hey," Natalia replied, leaning back into her...friend?  No, that didn't even come close to covering it.  Girlfriend?  A little too sophomore for her taste.  Lover?  She suppressed a shudder.  Not yet but, oh...soon.  She really, really wanted it to be soon. 

Olivia kissed her cheek and tightened her hold.  "Are you happy?" she asked. 

Natalia turned in the circle of her arms, leaning back and draping her own arms round Olivia's neck.  "Very," she purred.  She watched Olivia with half-lidded eyes for a few moments.  "Thank you," she said at last.  "For what you wrote on the card." 

Olivia blushed.  "It was nothing," she murmured, but Natalia hushed her with a kiss. 

"No," she said.  "No it wasn't.  It was the truth."  She brought her hand round and nudged Olivia's chin up.  "And not just for me and Rafe, you know that right?" 

Olivia looked away.  "You don't need to say anything..." she said softly, but Natalia shook her head. 

"Yes I do," she said.  "You know I think actions speak louder than words.  And I've shown you how I feel in every way I know how.  But you need to hear this too."  She took a deep breath, and ducked her head, forcing Olivia to look her in the eye.  "I love you," she breathed.  "I love Emma.  This is your home.  This is where you belong.  There is nothing... _nothing_...you could ever do that would make me stop loving you."  She smiled.  "Unconditionally and without limits," she said.  "I love you, Olivia." 

The world dropped away and for a brief moment nothing existed but the two of them, enclosed in the bubble of each other's arms.  "I love you too," Olivia said, her voice little more than a sigh across Natalia's lips as she leaned in to kiss her. 

"It's rude to stare," Emma hissed at Rafe, swatting him on the arm until he returned his attention to their game.  "Got any threes?" 

He blinked, unable to reply for several long moments.  Finally he shook himself and smiled at her. 

"Go fish." 

* * *

"So, the big day's finally arrived huh?"  Rick smiled broadly at Olivia who scowled in response.  "Hey," he said, wounded.  "What have I done to deserve that?" 

"Just hurry up and take it off," Olivia grumbled, leaning heavily back against the pillows. 

Natalia smiled nervously.  "Sorry, Rick," she said.  "She's just a little anxious." 

Olivia turned her head towards Natalia, her scowl deepening.  "Don't apologise for me." 

Natalia rolled her eyes as she pushed Olivia's hair away from her face.  "Someone has to," she replied, laughter edging into the corners of her voice. 

Olivia grunted and crossed her arms over her chest.  "Hurry up!" she snapped at Rick. 

Natalia pulled a chair up to Olivia's bedside and took her hand.  "You're like a child," she scolded. 

Olivia grinned wickedly.  "I guess that makes you a pervert then," she said, and laughed when Natalia flushed. 

"You are too much," Natalia mumbled. 

"You love it." 

Natalia shook her head.  "I love you," she whispered. 

Rick coughed suddenly.  "Uh...still in the room ladies," he said. 

Two pairs of eyes snapped round to meet his.  "Oh, would you hurry up?" two voices said in harmony. 

He held up his hands.  Attacked on two fronts.  Hardly fair. 

* * *

Natalia tried to resist the urge to look at the clock as Rick worked.  Who would have thought removing a cast would take so long?  She was starting to think Rick was dragging it out deliberately. 

As soon as the thought crossed her mind she felt guilty about it.  It wasn't Rick's fault they were...frustrated.  He couldn't possibly know about the long nights spent whispering and kissing and...she shuddered lightly...touching.  Every night things had gone a little further before Olivia's leg had made itself known, like an elephant in the room, and killed the mood.  It was ridiculous really.  Over a year of dancing around these feelings, moving forward and retreating, one step forward and two steps back and now they were finally, _finally_ ,on the same page - and they couldn't do anything about it!  It was like some kind of giant cosmic joke. 

"How long exactly is this going to take?" 

Olivia glared at Rick who managed not to seem phased at all.  "Just a little longer," he said breezily.  He smiled.  "So, how's the memory situation, swiss-cheese for brains?" 

Natalia frowned at him.  "Don't call her that," she admonished.  "She's been doing really, really well." 

Olivia nodded.  "Yeah...bits and pieces are coming back here and there." 

Rick nodded distractedly.  "That's good, good," he murmured.  "You'll probably find that'll slow down a little now though." 

Olivia frowned.  "What do you mean?" 

"Oh, you know, just that the chances of achieving full recall diminish the further you get from the original trauma.  What you have now after a couple of months is probably going to be all you get.  Give or take a flash or two here and there.  Don't expect too much though." 

For a long moment Olivia couldn't speak.  She looked up at Natalia, her eyes shining.  "I'm never going to remember..." she murmured.  "I've...I've lost everything?" 

Natalia shook her head and gripped her hand even tighter.  "I can remember for both of us," she said steadily. 

Olivia looked away.  "I'm thirsty,"  she said at last.  "Could you maybe get me a water or something?" 

Natalia nodded, trying not to be hurt that Olivia's instinct was still to draw away when wounded.  It was only to be expected.  It had been just Olivia against the world for so long it was hardly a surprise that she found it hard to lean on anyone else.  But Natalia could work on that.  There wasn't much she couldn't achieve - when she was determined.  And she was very, very determined. 

"Now that's the look of a woman on a mission," a mocking voice said.  Natalia looked up from the vending machine where she'd been trying to choose between flat water, fizzy water, fizzy water with lemon, or another of the myriad of complicated and unnecessary choices. 

"Oh, it's you," she said. 

Doris smiled broadly.  "Don't sound so pleased to see me Natalia, I might get the wrong idea," she said, her lips twitching as she leaned against the wall. 

"Why are you here?" 

"Well, maybe I just like to check on the voters, I'm that kind of mayor." 

Natalia rolled her eyes but didn't challenge the statement.  "Well, it's been a joy seeing you Doris, as always, but I really have to get back to Olivia."  She jabbed a random button on the machine and grabbed the bottle of flat water with hints of peach that popped out. 

Doris raised an eyebrow.  "Ohhhh," she drawled.  "Of course.  Well, I wouldn't want to keep you from your _friend_." 

Natalia stopped in her tracks and slowly turned around.  "What's that supposed to mean?" 

"Oh, nothing at all Natalia, nothing at all." 

Natalia frowned.  "Has she...has she told you anything about us?" she asked hesitantly.  Doris laughed. 

"Dear God Natalia, is there anyone in town she _hasn't_ told?" 

Natalia frowned.  "Wh-what do you mean?" 

"You're serious," Doris said, her smile fading.  "Natalia, everyone knew except you.  And Frank, I suppose, but that's no shocker really - you could fill libraries with the things that man doesn't know." 

Natalia ignored the affront to her ex-fiance's honour.  "So...Olivia's been talking to people about...her feelings for me." 

Doris nodded.  "Everyone who'd listen.  _Oh, woe is me, I'm falling madly in love with my bestest fwiend!  Does that make me a l-l-l-lesbian?  Oh no!_ "  She let out a bark of laughter.  "It was kind of cute.  In an annoying way." 

Natalia stood staring at the mayor for long moments.  There was only one part of her speech she'd really focused on.  "Does it?" she asked softly. 

Doris frowned.  "Does what?" 

Natalia coughed.  "Does falling madly in love with your best friend make you a lesbian?" 

For a moment Doris didn't reply, and then a slow devious grin spread across her face as she advanced on Natalia.  "That depends," she said.  "Do you want to hold her hand and have little pecks on the cheek before you toddle off to your separate rooms?  Do you just want to fold laundry and take Emma on field trips for the rest of your life?"  She was within a few inches of Natalia now, and her voice had lowered an octave.  "Or do you want to hold her down on a bed and fuck her into next week?" 

Natalia's breath caught and her face flushed dark with desire at the image Doris's words had painted in her mind.  "Uh..." 

Doris smirked.  "I guess that answers that question." 

Natalia looked away, embarrassment following hot on the heels of lust.  "I don't," she began, then coughed to clear the huskiness from her voice.  "I don't really know how..." she admitted. 

Doris thought about teasing her some more, but decided at last to take pity.  "You'll find it comes naturally," she said gently.  "In fact, I'm willing to bet you'll wonder how you ever enjoyed anything else."  Her lips twitched.  "I reckon our Ms Spencer is a demon in the sack." 

Natalia rolled her eyes.  "Been thinking about that a lot have you?" 

Doris raised an eyebrow.  "Maybe a little.  I'm not made of stone." 

Natalia felt strangely jealous for a moment, which was ridiculous.  If she was going to feel jealous over every person who'd ever lusted after Olivia Spencer...well, her eyes would be greener than Olivia's before she was through.  "I have to get back now," she said. 

Doris watched her go, but couldn't resist one last quip.  "Natalia?"  She waited until she turned her head.  "I'm sure as a religious woman you're familiar with the expression ' _Do unto others as you would have them do unto you_ '.  Just so you know?  That was _made_ for this situation." 

Natalia blushed as she hurried back to Olivia's side, followed by the sound of Doris Wolfe's laughter which sounded equal parts mocking and affectionate. _Do unto others_ , she thought speculatively.  _That **does** give me a few ideas..._

* * *

"My leg looks weird," Olivia said for the tenth time as Natalia pulled up at the farmhouse in her - their - new car.  Natalia rolled her eyes. 

"Your leg looks wonderful, and beautiful and sexy," she said. 

"It's all skinny and wasted!" Olivia insisted. 

Natalia took her hand and squeezed.  "Doctor Rick explained this to you," she said.  "Your muscles have atrophied slightly.  You need a few months of physical therapy before you'll be back to normal." 

Olivia huffed.  "Stupid car accident," she grumbled.  "Who would have thought two broken bones and some brain damage would be so much trouble?" 

Natalia leaned over and silenced her with a kiss.  "Who indeed?" she murmured against her lips.  "But we're still here.  We're together.  What does that say?" 

Olivia closed her eyes and sighed deeply.  "That this is real," she said happily. 

Natalia nodded.  "It sure is.  Now come on." 

Natalia moulded herself to Olivia's side as she helped her out of the car.  Doctor Rick had warned them that Olivia should avoid putting too much weight on the leg right away - he had even mimed what might happen if she took things too quickly.  Natalia felt they could probably have done without the pantomime of Rick crumpling to the floor clutching his leg and moaning, but it had seemed to make him happy. 

The living room looked strange when they entered, but it took Natalia a moment to realise what had changed.  "Oh," she said at last.  "Rafe must have moved your bed upstairs."  Indeed, the room was back to normal again; the couch and coffee table in their regular places.  A bottle of champagne stood on the table with a note propped up against it. 

Olivia grabbed it as she settled onto the couch.  " _Dear mom,_ " she read.  " _Have taken Emma for a little field trip to The Beacon for the night.  Don't worry about the expense - the owner owes me a favour._ "  She looked up at Natalia with a smile.  "He's almost as devious as you," she said.  Natalia took the note from her. 

" _I figured the two of you might like some privacy,_ " she continued.  " _And there are some things I really don't need to hear.  Just so you know, the walls in this house are pretty thin._ "  Natalia flushed.  "What do you suppose he means by that?" she murmured. 

Olivia's mind flashed back to the previous night, her hands meandering under Natalia's shirt, her lips fastened to her neck, and Natalia moaning like she was in pain, her fingers threaded through Olivia's hair.  "No idea," she said. 

Natalia shook her head.  " _Have fun, and don't worry about us - we'll order room service and watch movies and go to bed at a reasonable hour.  I've brought some clothes for Em to change into so she can go straight to school from here.  We'll see you both tomorrow around four.  Love, Rafe."_

Olivia watched Natalia through half-lidded eyes as she dropped the note onto the table.  "Alone at last," she said softly.  Natalia's mouth twitched up in a grin. 

"I've been waiting to do this for a long time," she muttered as she straddled Olivia's lap and draped her arms round her neck.  Olivia's arms wrapped around her waist as she leaned back. 

"Is that so?" she asked.  Natalia leaned forward, bumping their foreheads together. 

"Oh yeah," she sighed, and captured Olivia's lips in a heated, bruising kiss. 

"Mmmph," Olivia moaned, pulling Natalia closer to her as her lips parted and she felt the other woman's tongue dip briefly and tangle with hers. 

"You feel so good," Natalia murmured, dropping her head to hide in the crook of Olivia's shoulder, kissing her collarbone. 

Olivia gasped.  "You don't feel so bad yourself," she managed to say, her head spinning just a little. 

Natalia kissed a trail across her neck, finally lifting up to claim her lips again.  "I need to get you upstairs," she murmured between kisses. 

"Mmm," Olivia agreed.  "Good idea...very, very good idea..." 

Natalia tore herself away and stood.  She was in danger of losing control and just taking Olivia right there on the couch.  Which wouldn't necessarily be bad...but she wanted their first time to be perfect.  Just the two of them together in a bed, no interruptions, no hesitancy, no regrets.  She smiled down at Olivia and held out her hand. 

"Come on." 

* * *

Olivia Spencer had had a lot of sex in her life.  That wasn't exactly a secret.  She could barely go anywhere in this town without encountering someone she'd seen naked.  It had never really meant anything though.  Oh, it was exciting, even thrilling sometimes, but she'd never been nervous beforehand, never found her heart racing and her fingers trembling so badly that she couldn't even undo the buttons on her lover's shirt. 

"Let me," Natalia said smoothly, her hands coming up to cover Olivia's and still them.  Slowly she undid each button one by one until finally her shirt was hanging open, revealing smooth skin and a lacy bra the colour of sin itself.  Olivia spread her hands over her stomach and felt her muscles clench. 

"Someone was confident when she got dressed this morning," she muttered. 

Natalia's lips twitched.  "Like you could possibly resist me," she replied, planting her hands on either side of Olivia's head and leaning down. 

"No, I couldn't," Olivia agreed, her lips parting to accept the first of many, many kisses.  Her fingers curled round Natalia's hips, pulling her closer. 

"I love you," Natalia murmured against her lips, her hands sliding under Olivia's T-shirt and pushing it up.  They parted long enough for the shirt and the T-shirt to disappear onto the floor, and then Natalia stretched out on top of her lover, kissing her like she wouldn't get another chance. 

"Oh my God," Olivia moaned, her hands leading a trail of gooseflesh down Natalia's back. 

"Right back atcha," Natalia breathed, her hands tangling in Olivia's hair as she kissed her again, and again, and again. 

For a long time Olivia lost herself in the sensation of skin and lips and the delicious weight of Natalia pressing her into the mattress.  "This is new, right?" she said in the brief gap between one kiss and the next.  "We haven't done this before, have we?" 

Natalia managed a brief shake of her head.  "No..." 

Olivia bent her head to Natalia's throat, kissing that soft spot where her neck met her shoulder.  "What the hell was wrong with us?" 

Natalia laughed.  What indeed?  Fear and uncertainty and other people's interpretations of a holy book translated and retranslated over thousands of years like a massive game of Telephone all dwarfed in comparison to how good, how unutterably _right_ this felt.  Her body fit with Olivia's like they were two halves of a matching pair.  This was it for Natalia, she realised.  This was what she was meant to have.  God had made this woman with his own two hands...for her. 

Olivia rolled them over so Natalia was on her back and she was on her side.  Their legs tangled together of their own accord as Olivia looked down on Natalia, leaning her head on one hand.  "You are so beautiful," she whispered, her fingers trailing a path from Natalia's clavicle to her navel.  Natalia's breath hitched. 

"Not as beautiful as you," she said, and meant it.  There was no-one in the world to match Olivia Spencer.  Every person who'd loved her before and let her go was a fool. 

Olivia blushed and looked away.  Natalia smiled slowly, utterly enchanted by this sudden shyness.  "What?  Come on, people have told you you're beautiful before." 

Olivia nodded, and closed her eyes.  "Yes, she whispered.  "I just haven't ever _felt_ it before..." 

The smile faded from Natalia's face, her expression turning deep and serious.  "You are," she said, threading her fingers through Olivia's hair.  "You're beautiful.  You're clever.  You're charming.  You're good.  You're kind.  You're everything." 

Olivia turned to her with tears in her eyes.  Natalia leaned up and tenderly kissed them away, and then for long moments there were no more words.  Lips and skin and trembling hands and muffled sighs were all that existed. 

"I don't really know what I'm doing," Olivia admitted at last, tearing her lips from Natalia's overheated skin with an effort. 

Natalia breathed deeply.  "There isn't a script for this you know," she muttered.  "Just...let's do what we feel like doing.  Whatever feels right..." 

Olivia stretched so she was lying half on top of her lover.  "Everything feels right," she said. 

Natalia smiled.  "Then let's do everything." 

A slow smile spread across Olivia's face as her hands dipped to the fastening of Natalia's jeans.  "Everything?  I don't think we have time.  Not today anyway." 

Natalia hooked her arms round Olivia's neck.  "Hmm.  Should we make a list?  Prioritise?" 

Olivia grinned as her fingers slid inside the waistband of Natalia's jeans.  "Maybe.  What should be number one?" 

Natalia pinned her with eyes shaded dark with desire and love.  "I really want you inside me," she said, her voice low and gravelly. 

A lick of fire coursed through Olivia's blood and she thought she might have growled.  "Oh, fuck," she groaned, baring her teeth a little as she steadied herself.  "If you don't get out of these clothes right now I'm going to tear them off." 

Natalia's fingers were busy with the buttons and zip of Olivia's slacks.  "Ditto," she ground out. 

Natalia didn't really remember how the rest of their clothes ended up on the floor, and she didn't care.  All that mattered was the feeling of Olivia and her, together _finally_ , lips and limbs tangling together like they'd been doing it forever.  The world had contracted yet again, but Natalia was also hyper aware of everything around her - the warm summer breeze coming through the window, the bark of a dog somewhere in the distance, the chirp of a bird in the oak outside the window.  And then Olivia raised up and raked those remarkable eyes across her face and all that melted away like a pavement chalk drawing in the rain. 

"I love you," Olivia whispered.  "I feel like...I've been waiting for you...all my life..." 

Tears nipped at Natalia's eyes.  "I'm here," she breathed.  "Oh, honey...I'm here..." 

A deep, breathless kiss was her reply and when Olivia pulled away there was fire in her eyes.  "I can't get enough of you," she murmured, dipping her head to Natalia's throat.  Natalia felt teeth nipping at her and knew she'd be marked the next day. 

"You've got me," she moaned.  "Everything, anything you want." 

Olivia's breath left her in a rush as she arched her back and trailed her hands down Natalia's sides.  "I won't break," Natalia whispered.  "You can...you can have me.  Any way you want..." 

Olivia's eyes flickered shut and she ground her hips into Natalia's on pure instinct.  "Oh Jesus," she muttered.  "Please...I want this to be perfect for you..." 

Natalia cupped her lover's face in her hands.  "It already is," she said steadily but softly.  "Because I'm with you."  Slowly and deliberately she took Olivia's hand in hers and pressed them between their bodies.  "This is what you do to me," she murmured, and pushed Olivia's fingers into wet heat. 

The breath left both their bodies in a rush.  "Oh, Natalia..." Olivia moaned.  Her fingers twitched a little and Natalia squeezed her eyes shut. 

"Inside," she gasped.  "Please...I need you." 

"Natalia..." 

Natalia grabbed Olivia's wrist in a punishing grip.  "If I don't have you inside me right now I'm going to fucking die.  You don't want me to die, do you?" 

"Nuh uh," Olivia replied and slid two fingers all the way inside her lover in one stroke. 

"Oh, Jesus!"  Natalia clutched at Olivia's shoulders and arched her back, her head thumping back into the pillow.  Olivia's eyes squeezed shut.  She had never felt anything like this before, never even imagined...  The sensation of warmth and wetness and her lover's muscles contracting on her fingers...  For an awful moment she actually thought she was going to cry.  How terrible would that be?  Olivia freakin' Spencer brought to her (metaphorical) knees by a tiny slip of a woman, by Natalia Rivera, her sometime rival, then friend, and then...and then... 

_Everything_ , her mind supplied.  _She's everything_. 

Olivia kissed her desperately and added a third finger, flattening the heel of her hand against Natalia's heat.  Natalia ground down against her instinctively, her nails scraping almost painfully against her shoulders.  They moved together for what felt like forever.  Time had lost all meaning; they were outside it, outside the world.  They were in their own little pocket of existence and nothing mattered but love, and desire, and that glorious, rare and precious moment when they intersected. 

"Mmmph, Olivia," Natalia moaned at last.  "I've been waiting so long...I think...oh...I'm going to..." 

Olivia silenced her with her lips.  "Yes baby," she whispered.  "Yes.  Let go, I want to see you..." 

When it happened Natalia actually sobbed.  A mix of pleasure, love and indescribable joy crashed into her like a train and Natalia had the strangest sense that the world had contracted to the length and breadth of their twined bodies, and yet also simultaneously expanded wider than she'd dreamed was possible.  For an endless moment she felt like she was floating a foot off the bed, and then she came crashing down and was caught by Olivia's strong arms. 

She shuddered, muscles twitching and clenching still, her heart racing, her breath coming in hitching gasps.  Olivia wrapped her arms around her tightly and she clung to her, eyes clenched shut. 

Something had just happened, she realised, something deeply profound, something she'd never felt before.  "Ecstasy..." she murmured, and wasn't aware she'd even spoken until she felt the rumble of Olivia's laughter against her chest and the press of her lips against her forehead. 

"That good huh?"  She sounded proud of herself. 

Natalia smiled.  "Yes," she breathed against her lover's skin.  "But that's not what I meant."  She raised herself up onto one arm with effort, gazing seriously into dark green eyes.  "I'm talking about _ecstasy_ ," she said.  "Not just feeling good - even really, really good.  It means...being outside yourself, I guess."  She closed her eyes.  "I could feel me," she breathed.  "And I could feel you.  I could feel your heart beating.  I could feel the birds singing.  I could feel the grass growing."  She opened her eyes and trailed her fingers across the planes of Olivia's face.  "I could feel God," she whispered rapturously.  "In you, in me.  In our love...didn't you?" 

Olivia couldn't bring herself to meet Natalia's eyes.  "I don't think I've ever felt God, Natalia," she admitted, sadness washing through her at that thought for the first time.  At that moment she thought she might just have given anything to have felt what Natalia had just felt.  "But I know what I see when I look in your eyes." 

Natalia curled her fingers under her chin and tilted her head up, forcing Olivia to meet her steady gaze.  "What?" she breathed. 

Olivia attempted a smile, although it didn't quite come off.  "Everything," she said simply. 

Natalia was silent for a long, long moment.  Then she nodded slowly and smiled.  "Good enough," she said, then ran her suddenly fire-filled eyes across Olivia's body.  She bared her teeth. 

"My turn." 

* * *

"You're trying to kill me," Olivia grunted, sweat breaking out on her brow. 

Natalia shook her head.  "I keep telling you, I need your rent money," she said, smirking. 

"Hmmph.  You know, I really think I should get a discount on that.  I'm not renting a whole room anymore." 

Natalia grinned.  "No, but you're still getting full time care.  In more ways than one." 

Olivia thought of several replies she could make to that; unfortunately they all led to her sleeping on the couch that night so she held her tongue.  "You call this care?" she muttered.  "This is torture." 

Natalia smoothed her hands over Olivia's calf, massaging tired and aching muscles.  "Do you want to be able to walk without a limp or not?" 

Eyebrows twitched.  "Depends.  Is the limp sexy?" 

Natalia's hands moved up as she stood, sliding over firm thighs and curling round Olivia's hips.  "Excruciatingly," she murmured.  "But I'd like you one hundred percent healthy again.  There are some things I'd like to do to you that will require _all_ your strength." 

The thermostat raised at least ten degrees and Olivia grinned wolfishly as she grabbed Natalia and pressed their bodies together.  "Is that so?" she growled, nipping at her lover's throat. 

"Mmm," Natalia replied, tangling her fingers in Olivia's hair. 

"Oh God...could you two get a room please?" 

Natalia turned to see Rafe descending the stairs, a traumatised look on his face.  _Poor boy_ , Natalia thought.  This was at least the tenth time that week he'd walked in on them in a compromising position.  It was Olivia's fault, of course.  There was something about her that made Natalia lose all sense of propriety.  Strangely enough, she didn't really mind. 

"Do I have to remind you who owns this house?" she teased her son, but pulled away from Olivia's embrace nonetheless. 

Rafe rolled his eyes.  "Emma's in bed," he said, turning to Olivia.  "But she wants you to read her a story.  I offered, but she said it had to be you."  He shrugged. 

Olivia grabbed her cane.  "Then I guess I have some reading to do," she said. 

"I'll be up in a minute," Natalia said and, just to make Rafe groan, patted her lover on the butt as she walked away. 

"Aw Jeez, ma!" Rafe whined, right on cue. 

Natalia laughed, and Olivia's low chuckle merged with hers as she climbed the stairs.  "I thought you were happy for us?" she said, smiling. 

"Oh, I am," Rafe replied, holding up his hands.  "But there are some things I don't need to see.  Or hear.  Or imagine."  He shuddered.  "Speaking of which - can I move into Olivia's old room?" 

Natalia frowned.  "But...why?  It's smaller." 

Rafe rolled his eyes and cupped his mother's face in his hands.  "Maybe so ma, but it doesn't share a wall with yours."  Having finally succeeded in making his mother blush he laughed and released her.  "Come with me," he said, leading her into the kitchen. 

"You want me to make you a snack?" she asked. 

Rafe shook his head as he stopped before the cross on the wall, the only one still hanging in the shared part of the house, although other little trinkets were sneaking back in.  "I want you to pray with me," he said. 

Natalia's lips parted.  "Oh..." she breathed, and smiled.  "Rafe..." 

Rafe looked away.  "You know," he began hesitantly.  "When I was in prison...you, and your faith, was the only thing that really got me through everything.  And I know that...being with Olivia maybe made you question some things?  But that's why you're so amazing, ma - you still believe and you still try to be the best person you can."  He coughed.  "I admire that," he admitted.  "And, you know...I want to be more like you." 

He looked up and she was crying, as he'd known she would be.  "Oh Rafe," she managed to choke out, and he found himself enveloped in a breath-stealing, bone-shattering hug.  Then she took his hand and turned to the cross.  "Dear God," she prayed.  "Thank you...for my son.  Thank you for helping me raise him to be such a good, good man.  I know I couldn't have done it without your help." 

"Ma-" Rafe interrupted, but she shushed him with a finger over his lips. 

"Thank you for Olivia and Emma," she continued.  "Thank you for helping us to find our family.  And above all, God, thank you for the gift of your love, revealed to us through the wonderful people you have sent to share our lives."  She stopped, unable to say the last word of the prayer, lost in a memory of praying to this cross what seemed like forever ago, when she'd been filled with such despair and hopelessness.  But she had felt God's presence then...and she felt it again now. 

"Amen," said Rafe quietly. 

* * *

When Olivia finally made her way up the stairs she was out of breath and her leg ached but, and she hated to admit it, the exercises Natalia had been putting her through did seem to be helping.  She felt like she was getting stronger day by day, like a sickly plant brought back to life with careful watering. 

"Hey Jellybean," she said, grinning as she entered her daughter's room and limped over to her bed. 

"Mommy!"  The little girl grabbed her for a hug and a kiss as she flopped down beside her, and Olivia felt her heart swell with a love so deep and pure it almost took her breath away. 

She smiled.  "So," she said.  "I hear that someone wants a story.  Do you have one picked out?" 

Emma nodded eagerly and handed her a thin book.  "Bunny wants this one," she said, squeezing the plush rabbit that had been her near constant bedtime companion since she'd been given it at Christmas.  "Because it's about a bunny too." 

Olivia looked down at the book.  _The Velveteen Rabbit_.  "Okay," she said.  "I like this one too."  She decided not to mention that it always made her cry.  She hoped she could make it through this time without blubbing like a baby. 

For long moments she read softly to her child, her voice low and steady.  " _'What is REAL?' asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. 'Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?'_ " 

Emma giggled.  "Silly rabbit..." she mumbled sleepily. 

Olivia nodded.  "Very silly," she agreed and continued reading.  " _'Real isn't how you are made,' said the Skin Horse. 'It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.'_ " 

"Like Bunny," Emma said, kissing the top of her rabbit's furry head. 

"Uh huh," Olivia replied.  She could feel the tears coming already.  Olivia Spencer, reduced to tears over a children's book - she'd never live it down.  "' _It doesn't happen all at once,' said the Skin Horse. 'You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand.'_ "  The words began to swim before her eyes and she blinked quickly to clear her vision. 

"Why are you crying mommy?" Emma asked, reaching out to touch her mother's face. 

Olivia managed a trembling smile.  "Well...can I tell you a little secret?"  She bent her head to whisper conspiratorially. 

"Uh huh."  Emma's eyes danced with excitement. 

Olivia bent down even closer.  "I never used to be Real," she said softly.  "I had to become Real, just like the rabbit in the story." 

Emma's eyes were wide as saucers.  "It can happen to people too?" she gasped.  "Not just toys?" 

Olivia nodded and gestured to herself.  "I'm living proof, aren't I?"  She smiled.  "And you know, what the horse said is right.  It did take a really long time but it was all worth it.  Every step." 

Emma squeezed her bunny tighter.  "How does it happen?" 

There was a pause before Olivia spoke.  "It's love," she explained.  "When someone loves you for exactly who you are.  When they're there for you no-matter what happens.  When they give you everything without wanting anything in return.  When you know that it doesn't matter what you look like or what you do - you'll always have a home with someone who only sees the beautiful in you.  That's what makes you Real."  She tucked the blankets round her daughter's shoulders.  "And I never had that before I had you and our family here, baby." 

Emma looked up at her with sleepy eyes.  "Am I Real?" she asked softly, her eyes fluttering shut. 

Olivia nodded and kissed her forehead.  "You've been Real since the day you were born," she assured her.  "Because I love you.  And I'll always love you.  There's nothing you could do, say or be that would ever make me stop."  She took a breath.  "And that goes for your mama too." 

A gasp from behind her made her turn her head sharply  Natalia was there in the doorway, a hand covering her mouth, tears streaming down her face as she locked eyes with Olivia.  "You've never," she began, wiping her eyes, "you've never called me that before." 

Olivia nodded, and turned back to Emma who was already asleep.  "I may not remember exactly how we became a family," she said softly, regret creeping into her voice.  "But I do know why we are."  She looked up at Natalia.  "Because we love each other." 

Natalia nodded, smiling and crying simultaneously as she crossed the room in two strides and wrapped her arm round Olivia's shoulder.  Olivia's arm curled round her waist as her head nestled against her stomach.  "We do," Natalia agreed, stroking her free hand through her lover's hair. 

For a long time they rested together in silence, listening to the sounds of Emma's deep, regular breathing.  "I'm sorry," Olivia said at last.  "That I'm probably not going to remember everything...about us...how we fell in love..." 

Natalia hushed her with a kiss.  "Sssh," she said.  "Who cares about the past?" she murmured.  "We have the future.  And I'd trade a million yesterdays for one tomorrow with you." 

Olivia's breath escaped her in a ragged sigh.  "Me too," she said softly, and stood.  "And you know...even if I never get all my memories back-" 

"-we can make new ones," Natalia finished for her. 

Olivia laughed, but quietly so as not to wake her daughter.  "Finishing each other's thoughts now?  Before you know it we'll be wearing matching jogging suits and fighting over the remote like an old married couple." 

Natalia knew she meant it as a joke, but she couldn't help but sound serious as she replied.  "Sounds good to me," she said, and held out her hand. 

Olivia took it.

**Author's Note:**

> I have quoted a little from the Bible (psalm 25) in the beginning, and from Margery Williams' _The Velveteen Rabbit_ at the end.


End file.
